Before retiring last year, Jack Welch was the CEO of General Electric for twenty years. During his tenure he helped build GE's market cap to over 450 billion, making GE one of the most profitable companies in history. He is known and admired globally for his leadership ability and people smarts. Recently he published an autobiography that can be found in dozens of stores. It is titled Jack: Straight From The Gut. Even though the title of his autobiography seems rather self-promoting, his book actually celebrates the people who helped shape his life and the success of GE.
In the preface he writes, "This may seem a strange way to begin an autobiography. A confession: I hate having to use the first person. Nearly everything I've done in my life has been accomplished with other people. Yet when you write a book like this, you're forced to use the narrative 'I' when it's really the 'we' that counts. Please remember that every time you see the word 'I' in these pages it refers to all those colleagues and friends, and some I might have missed."
Jack Welch has stumbled unto a transformational truth. In life it is not the "I" or the "me" that counts. Rather, it is the "we" that counts! John Maxwell in his book Being a People Person writes, "The basis of life is people and how they relate to each other. Our success, fulfillment, and happiness depend on our ability to relate effectively."
Building deep relationships.
As we continue our study in Philippians we discover that the apostle Paul was very effective at relating to people. He also believed that it is the "we" that counts. It is impossible to read his letters to the churches without experiencing something of his relational genius and intuitive ability. He was gifted at forging deep relationships and inspiring people to reach their full potential in Jesus Christ. He knew how to communicate value to people. He knew how to love people in practical, concrete ways. He had genuine people-smarts. He was people-savvy, but not in a disingenuous or manipulative way.
The bottom line is that we stand to learn a lot from Paul's relationship to the Philippians. There is a real breakdown these days in every kind of relationship. Technology has us communicating via e-mail, fax, and pagers instead of face to face. Many times a week, I send e-mails to Jay, Jason, and Lesa while we are all in the office. Our busy schedules and family demands cause us to withdraw from relationships with people in our churches, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Even in our own homes the television, internet, and video games encourage us to retreat to our own corner of the house in order to be alone.
In a relationally deficient culture, we can use all the help we can get when it comes to forging deeper relationships with people we love. At the heart of forging relationships with other people is Jesus' command in Matthew 19:19 (NIV), "...to love your neighbor as yourself." Another command that is similar is commonly referred to as the Golden Rule. In Matthew 7:12 (NIV) Jesus said, "...do to others what you would have them do to you." In a rather intentional way, we find Paul doing this very thing in Philippians. He is loving the Philippians just like he himself would like to be loved.
I want you to think for a moment about the relationships you value the most. Think about those few people who stand out in your mind as being charismatic or dynamic or personable or gregarious or warm or magnetic. What is special about them? What draws you to them? Why are you energized and refreshed after spending even a short time with them while with others, you are left feeling exhausted and drained? There is a good chance that you are drawn to them because they are treating you just like they themselves would like to be treated.
Consider how some of Paul's relational qualities might enhance your relationships.
Paul was a master at conveying appreciation.
In Philippians 1:3 (NIV)Paul writes to his friends saying, "I thank my God every time I remember you." It is impossible to forge deep relationships without mastering the art of showing appreciation. Showing appreciation is showing the people around you how much you value them. Whenever we fail to show appreciation, the people around us begin to feel used and taken for granted. The relationship becomes another chore or time demand. Given enough time, they soon withdraw. If they work for you they begin sending out resumes. If they are married to you they ask, "Why did I ever get married?" If they are your children they say, "They gave birth to me so I'd do chores."
In contrast, it is amazing what can happen when we spread a little appreciation around. One of my summer jobs in college was tedious and mundane. My job was to grind the rough edges off delicate pewter jewelry that had just been cast. The owner of the business was a perfectionist with an eye for detail. He got frustrated with employee after employee because no one could do the job right without damaging the tiny pewter pieces. I hated the job from the day I started.
Out of a half dozen employees I was the only one who ever acquired the "touch". But once that happened, everything changed. The owner slobbered gratitude on me every day. He let me know I was an asset to his business. He praised me! In the end we built a good friendship and I spent much more time doing that monotonous job than I ever intended to, and I did it with enthusiasm.
Think about the last time someone appreciated you and then do unto other people what you enjoy having them do to you!
Paul was a master at affirming people's good qualities.
In Philippians 1:5 (NIV) Paul affirms their, "partnership in the gospel from the first day until now." We gravitate towards those who recognize our good qualities, and we avoid like a plague those individuals who will not let go of our shortcomings. The Christians at Philippi were among the first converts to Christ in all of Europe. They became Christians under extremely difficult circumstances and they faced persecution for their faith early on. You can read about the details in Acts 16.
Despite their hardships they stuck to their faith and partnered with Paul as he spread the gospel and planted churches throughout Europe. They generously supported his ministry with one sacrificial gift after another. Paul later affirms their generosity in Philippians 4:18 (NIV) when he tells them, "They (your gifts) are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God."
We gravitate toward people like Paul who accentuate our good qualities. A while back I visited a member of our church at his place of business. As we walked throughout the building he introduced me to dozens of workers. He introduced everyone by telling me each one's name, followed by an affirmation of the difference they were making as an employee. He would say, "This is Joe. He came up with the great idea of..." or "This is Mary. She is one hundred percent reliable. I can always count on her for..." You should have seen the difference these simple affirmations made!
Since we like having our good qualities affirmed, we should do this for others!
Paul was a master at instilling hope and optimism.
In Philippians 1:6 (NIV) he expresses confidence, "that he (God) who began a good work in you (the Philippians) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Life can be discouraging enough without people unnecessarily adding to our misery. Therefore, we avoid pessimistic and negative people like the plague! We avoid people for whom the glass is always half-empty instead of half-full. We avoid people who are always complaining about their circumstances and playing the "woe-is-me-I'm-a-victim" bit. In contrast, we are inclined toward those who offer encouragement, who lift our spirits, who have a positive outlook, and who remind us that there will be better days.
Remember, Paul is sitting in prison while offering encouragement to the Philippians! I regularly get mail from people in prison. Prison can be a hard place to stay positive! And yet Paul confidently reminded the Philippians that God was working and that all things would turn out for the good of God's kingdom. All of us need a few dozen Pauls in our lives to encourage us, to give us a lift, to remind us that there are better days ahead, and to remind us that God is working. People are attracted to hope and optimism. They are turned off by cynicism, negativity, and the like.
And since you love hope and optimism, why not develop this quality in your life?
Paul was a master at putting others first.
In Philippians 1:7 (NIV) he says, "It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart." On the surface this verse seems a little bit touchy-feely, but in reality it is very poorly translated in our English Bibles. The Greek word that is translated here as "feel" is better understood as "to think" or to "have a certain mindset about" or "to have an attitude." This word appears later in Philippians 2:5-6 (NIV) where Paul says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped..."
Just as Jesus Christ put us first by becoming our servant and by becoming obedient unto death, even death on a cross, so Paul was putting the Philippians first! In Paul's mind the Philippians didn't exist for him. Instead, he existed for them! They were the focus of his ministry and life, second only to Jesus Christ.
One of the keys to building deep relationships with other people is to adopt Paul's attitude and mindset of putting others first. The whole world doesn't evolve around your desires, your needs, your preferences, your opinions, or your problems. The people in our lives do not exist to serve us. They are not the means to our end. Personal fulfillment and success is never found in self-gratification and self-advancement. Fulfillment is found in gratifying others by putting their needs first.
This can be a very difficult paradigm shift for many of us to make. We can get so self-absorbed and begin placing demands on those around us by talking about our needs and never thinking about others. And yet nothing will terminate a relationship more quickly than being selfish. Paul put the Philippians first and out of the abundance of that relationship, they provided for all his needs.
Paul was a master at sharing grace and forgiveness.
In Philippians 1:7 (NIV) Paul continues, "for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me." Paul lived his life with a profound awareness of his need for God's grace. Remember, Paul was a murderer. He killed Christians before he knew Christ. It was because of God's grace that Paul could find acceptance in the Church at Philippi.
Paul made his dependence on God's grace a regular theme in all his letters. He had no grounds for boasting and he was the first to admit it. Without Christ, he was dead in his sins. Without Christ, he was destined for condemnation. In this verse Paul is reminding the Philippians that all of them were partakers in God's grace. They all shared in God's grace together, equally. Grace was the common denominator in all of their lives. Grace is what brought them together. Grace is what unified them. God's grace was everything!
The application is simple. In order for a relationship to work, both parties must acknowledge their need for God's grace and forgiveness. When forgiveness becomes a one-way street in a relationship, the relationship inevitably self-destructs. You cannot have a relationship without forgiveness. If you withhold forgiveness you are actually withholding relationship. If you will not forgive your spouse, your parent, your child, your neighbor, your sibling, or your co-worker, you are in fact saying "no" to that relationship!
Forgiveness is a prerequisite to each and every relationship. It is only as we encounter our own need for God's grace that we become more willing to extend God's grace to other people. We want people to forgive us and we want God to forgive us no matter how badly we mess up. We should extend this same grace to others. In order to forge deep relationships we must treat others as we would like to be treated.
Paul was a master at showing empathy and understanding.
In Philippians 1:8 (NIV) he says, "God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus." This may surprise you. It really surprised me. When Paul tells the Philippians he longs for them with the, "affection of Christ Jesus" he is using some of the most potent imagery found in all the New Testament.
You may remember the parable of the prodigal son. In rebellion, the prodigal son demands his inheritance from his father and runs away to a distant country. While there he squanders his wealth on liquor, women, shallow friends, and every imaginable and unimaginable indulgence. After a while he hits rock bottom. As he plunges into despair and reaps the fruit of his wasteful and indulgent lifestyle, he reasons that it would be best to throw himself at the mercy of his father. So the son returns to his earthly father. In the parable, while the son approaches in the distance, we find the father hoping and praying while scanning the horizon. When the father at least sees the son, he has compassion and runs to the son.
The same phrase that is used to describe the compassionate response of the father to the son is the word Paul used to describe his longing for the Philippians. The Philippians stirred the guts of Paul. They tore at his inner being. They tugged and yanked and pulled at his heart as he thought about them. The same word is used to describe Jesus' disposition as he wept over the city of Jerusalem shortly before he was crucified.
This phrase conveys the idea of deep empathy and understanding. I like what John Maxwell says about being a people person. In order to forge deep relationships he says that we must focus more on "putting ourselves in the other's place instead of putting others in their place." Steven Covey, in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People has the principle, "Seek First to Understand Before Being Understood". In order to truly relate to other people we must learn to listen. We must use our imaginations to understand what they are going through and to identify with them in their needs. Paul did this with his friends at Philippi. He showed them empathy. He listened. He responded to their deepest needs.
Paul was a master at praying specifically.
In Philippians 1:9-11 (NIV) Paul prays, "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ— to the glory and praise of God."
There is no need to cover this prayer in depth now. We will do that next week! Let me just say that we pray for those who we love. You pray God's blessing on them. You pray for them to become more like Jesus Christ. You remember them in specific ways before God even before you talk about yourself. Prayer is another way of putting others first. Prayer is a terrific relationship builder, which is why God commands us to pray for one another.
In closing, I want you to show you something that has helped me in building deeper relationships with people. It was shared with me by one of my mentors. This is a formula that you can use to determine how successful you are at being a people person.
COST
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REWARDS
The bottom part of this formula represents all the benefits that a person might receive from having a relationship with you. The top part of this formula represents all the costs that a person has to pay in order to sustain a relationship with you. Whenever costs outweigh benefits, the relationship becomes threatened. People withdraw. They avoid you. They stop answering their phones when you call.
You can plug everything we talked about this morning into this formula. As you increase the rewards and benefits side of this formula, people become attracted to your personality. They perceive you as charismatic and warm. You can increase this side by conveying appreciation to those around you, affirming people's good qualities, having an optimistic outlook, putting others first, offering grace and forgiveness, showing empathy to others, and praying specifically for their needs. The other side of the formula, the cost side, increases every time you make demands, have a negative or critical spirit, become cynical, put yourself first, take others for granted, fail to show appreciation, turn a cold shoulder to their needs, or hold a grudge.
Our goal should be to make as many deposits on the rewards side as possible. Our focus should be on "we" instead of "me". And when we make this fundamental shift, deep relationships are forged.
Which side of the equation are you building? The "me" side or the "we" side? Are you becoming a people person? Are you learning to love your others as much as you love yourself? Are you following the example of Paul and Jesus Christ?