Throughout the winter we’ve been getting teased by this mild, spring-like weather. I can count on a half a hand the number of times this past winter I even had tothink about shoveling snow. But boy, did it ever rain! I thought I was living in Seattle. Well spring is here and summer is right around the corner.
During winter we dream about lush gardens and well-manicured lawns. In springtime we attempt to make them a reality. We race over to the nurseries to buy plants and seedlings. We flood the home stores, snatching up seed and fertilizer and equipment. But inevitably, the energy that propelled us to make the dream of a perfect lawn or garden a reality fizzles. We realize that there is no such thing as a perfect lawn or garden. In fact, it's hard work just to achieve mediocrity, let alone perfection! Lawns and gardens are hard work. They require mowing and watering and trimming and weed pulling and pruning and fertilizing and renovating.
A few years ago I resolved to destroy every weed in my yard. Every day as the grill was heating up, I would walk around my house with a hand sprayer. Wherever I saw a weed, I would zap it. Dandelions, crab grass, ground ivy, chickweed. But every day, other weeds would pop up. And some stubborn weeds would never die!
And I noticed that I had two or three types of grass in my yard. Some of the grass would grow taller and thicker—and not just in the dog kennel area. Some of the grass was thin. And there were several areas where no grass could grow at all. I would get on the internet and contact professionals. Their answer always seemed to be— kill it all off with Round-up, tear it out, and start over from scratch. But I didn’t want to do that. I had already invested so much time and energy. And besides, I didn’t want my neighbors looking at me as if I were some failure. "Look at Morrissette. He’s throwing in the towel. He's giving up. He’s starting over from scratch."
So I have just settled for mediocrity. I tolerate the weeds and imperfections. Golf courses make me bitter and angry. They’re a lie! They’re cheating somehow! "Come over to my house and try to make my yard look like a golf course," I say. Those pictures in magazines and on television of the perfect lawns and gardens— they're retouched!
I think our relationships are a lot like lawns and gardens, even the marriage relationship. We spend our lives dreaming about perfect relationships. The perfect marriage, in-laws, parents, friends, neighbors, children. Even the perfect church. But in reality, relationships are hard work. In fact, they are such hard work thatwe are often tempted to give up and throw in the towel. We are tempted to settle for mediocrity.
When we do see healthy and vibrant relationships, it's easy to be cynical or to utter words of contempt."I'll bet you I could find some weeds in that relationship." Or, "I'll bet if they had my yard to take care of, they’d have just as much a mess as I do."But I don’t think anyone gets a pass on this. Relationships are hard work. They require constant attention, constant tending, and constant care. You turn your back on a relationship, and it can go to seed very quickly. Overnight, in fact. Again, relationships are hard work, but boy, are they worth the effort! God created us to enjoy relationships. He wants us to be a success. He never wants us to give up.
There are several methods of dealing with relationship struggles.
Increasingly, we seem to be struggling to make life’s relationships work. For many, the answer to relational difficulties is non-commitment. Instead of making a commitment and pledging to make a relationship work before God, family, and friends, couples opt to live together or to have a common-law arrangement. They seem to have all the trappings of a marriage relationship. The family dog, home mortgage, shared vehicles, shared bed, and children. But there is an asterisk. The asterisk reads, "If this relationship starts getting tough, if this relationship stops being easy, either one or both of us can pack up our bags and move out." Couples who live together always pat themselves on the backs for making a commitment, but they really need to ask, "Why haven’t we made a commitment? What are we scared of? What is it that we don’t trust about each other? Why won’t we pledge to make things work until death dous part?"
For others the answer to relational difficulties is divorce or separation. Instead of working things out, couples just give up and opt to start over from scratch with an entirely new relationship. We see it every day. Another couple gives up hope. Another couple believes the lie, "This relationship was doomed from the start. We were never meant for one another. We married too young. I married the antichrist. My spouse is evil. My spouse won’t change." Couples divorce and remarry all the time, only to enter into new relationships and experience the same problems all over again. Couples who divorce or separate pat themselves on the backs for having the courage to get out of a bad relationship. But what they really need to ask is, "Why didn’t we have the courage to make the relationship work? Why didn’t we have the courage to ask for help? Why didn’t we have the courage to face ourselves and to truly change and to work through our differences and to demonstrate Christ’s love to one another?"
But there is another group here who thinks that the answer to relational difficulties is survival. Instead of taking a relationship to the next level, couples opt to "make do" and settle for mediocrity. A couple stops believing, stops hoping and striving for greater things, and they let the relationship kind of run its course. This is the couple who pat themselves on the backs for sticking together. "We hate each other, but we're still together after all these years. We talk nasty to each other, we ignore each other, we fulfill our marital duty, we sleep in the same bed, we’ve neither one had affairs, we’ve had children together, and we do everything together. But we don’t have to like it! Hey! Look over there at all those couples living together and those marriages that are failing."
God's method for handling relationship difficulties.
Is non-commitment, divorce, separation and sticking together the best we can do? We cannot achieve relational perfection, but in God’s power, why don’t we aim higher? Where are our ideals? Where is our hope? Where is the dream? Hard work isn’t such hard work when you are driven by the dream. Do you still believe? Do you still have hope? Don’t give up! It’s spring! Get out there and tend your relationships. Make commitments. Fulfill your pledge. Be courageous. Don’t settle for mediocrity.
The answer to any relational difficulty is always hard work. But if you are going to exert the energy, why not exert it in a way that is really going to make a difference? Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV) offers us a wealth of advice about one of those most challenging relationships of all; marriage.
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV)
For a relationship to flourish ,for a relationship to experience healing, someone has to swallow his pride and take the initiative. Someone has to lay it on the line. I know this passage begins in Ephesians 5:22-24 by talking about wives submitting to their husbands. My wife wouldn’t give me permission to preach these verses, so I have to skip to Ephesians 5:25. In all seriousness, we will come back to these verses next week. But this morning I want to focus in on husbands. Next week we will talk about the better half.
Husbands are to imitate Jesus Christ's relationship with his Church.
It is foolishness to talk about submitting to someone who is less than Christ-like. In this passage it is the husbands who have the onus to love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. Men are to follow Christ’s lead. A lot of men always think they are in the right. So they can relate to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was always right. He was perfect. He was without sin. He did no wrong. Yet it was Jesus who took the initiative in redeeming the Church. We were sinners. We were unfaithful. We offended God’s holy nature. We disrespected God by not fearing him. We chose evil. We separated ourselves from God. We chose divorce. We, the Church, were the offending party.
But Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. He desired to make the Church holy, to cleanse us, to wash us with water, to beautify the relationship, and to feed and care for us. The Church is the bride of Christ .Christ, the perfect, took the initiative to redeem the imperfect from sin.
If you want to be a real man, if you want to be a real husband, take the initiative. Commit yourself to your marriage's health and vitality. Stop wallowing in your hurts and make the sacrifice necessary to redeem your relationship from the curse of sin. Husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the Church. Let’s talk about this.
Husbands are to love their wives unconditionally.
There are no conditions placed on Christ’s love for us. The Bible says, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 (NIV) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)
I was looking for some asterisks and fine print here, but I didn’t see any. I am commanded to love Lara whether she is perfect or not, whether she respects me or not, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and for richer or for poorer. Relationships take work, but Christ is my example. Christ’s relationship with the Church isn’t perfect, but think what it would be without his unconditional love and grace! There would be no relationship, because we would be dead in our sins. I am thankful that God’s love is unconditional. But now I must show this love to my wife.
Husbands are to love their wives purely.
A husband’s unselfish love must bring out the best in his wife, just as Christ’s love brings out the absolute best in the church. Listen to the effect Christ’s love has on the Church. This is anything but status quo. Ephesians 5:25-28 (NIV) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies."
Men, we must love our wives in a way that helps them have self-respect. Our love must not lead them into sexual immorality (adultery, fornication), but into righteousness. Our love must entice them into a deeper relationship with Christ, not repel them. Our love must bring healing and wholeness. It must have a cleansing effect, whereby our wives more strongly seek God’s will for their lives and where they see wisdom in it. Because of us, through our spiritual leadership, our purity, our love, our grace, our forgiveness, and our humility, our wives should become more holy, not more sinful.
Husbands are to love their wives forever.
Ephesians 5:28-33 (NIV) says, "He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Paul reminds us that in marriage, the two become one. Husband and wife are one flesh. There isn’t anything a man wouldn’t do to preserve his own life. The husband should bring this same determination into the marriage relationship. The relationship must endure, no matter what the cost or sacrifice. Christ died for his bride, the Church. The husband must feed and care for the relationship with his wife and not starve and neglect it.
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church. Unconditionally, with purity, for eternity.