Anger management is a kind of catch-phrase today. I don’t know exactly when we started using this phrase. But there is this sense that instead of managing our anger, our anger is managing us. When Lara and I were first married we lived in a church parsonage. Even though the parsonage wasn’t our home, we took pride in its appearance and made it look the best that we could.
The parsonage hadn’t been taken care of much in the past, so we worked hard to make it look nice. That first year we planted flowers and a small garden. I spread weed killer on the lawn and tried to revitalize the dead grass in some areas of the lawn. I power-washed the outside of the parsonage which was covered with spiders, dust, and grass clippings. We purchased some moveable fencing to keep our dogs corralled. Things were great.
But there was this guy the church had hired to take care of the church property. You never knew when he was going to show up to mow the lawn. Sometimes he showed up on Sunday, sometimes early in the morning, sometimes late at night. He had this big tractor. When he mowed, he’d set his mower deck to the lowest possible setting. He would scalp the grass, kick up dust, and throw rocks everywhere. When he mowed he always shot the grass up against the house which covered our walkways, clogged the air conditioner unit, and stained the white siding that I had power-washed. If there were any objects left in the yard, or if the garden hose was left out, he would angrily throw it up by the house and stuff it down into our window well. He hated our movable fencing and he would throw that around while cussing and carrying on.
For the longest time I tried to ignore all the antics. Maybe he was having a bad day. But things progressed and even seemed to worsen. One time I came home and found my garden hose sliced to pieces and the yard ravaged. Another time he had mowed down all the strawberries and plants that I had spent the summer growing. Then he stopped putting the movable fencing back in its proper place.
One day I let the dogs out into their kennel area, and not paying attention went back into the house. A few moments later, I happened to glance out the front window and noticed cars braking on the busy highway in front of our house. Looking more closely, I saw our girl dog Addie standing on the shoulder of the road just inches from sudden death! Racing out to catch her, I began calling for our dog Reilly. He had gone in the opposite direction and was headed out to a nearby pasture, presumably to chase the cows.
I so badly wanted that guy to know my Lord that I regularly prayed for his salvation, but he was hostile to God and had absolutely no respect for the church or for me. Whenever he would come around I would get this knot in my stomach. My muscles would tense, my blood pressure would rise, my jaw would clinch, and I’d boil inside.
I finally purchased my own mower and had him to stay away from the parsonage. But instead of managing my anger, my anger managed me. I failed the self-control test.
Anger Management?
I think all of us have a desire to manage our anger a little better. But how do we do it? Is counting to ten enough? Is the key to anger management shouting, "Serenity now!" like Seinfield’s George Castanza? Will deep breathing exercises help? How about one of those stress balls? Yoga class? Medication?
In Ephesians 4:24-32 (NIV) God’s word has this to say about anger. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 'In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need."
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
If you haven’t already noticed, the Bible never actually speaks of anger management. No matter how deeply you have been hurt and no matter how justified you feel your anger is, the Bible offers just one universal remedy. That remedy is forgiveness. You should know that forgiveness is not an anger management strategy. God has no interest in you managing something as volatile and dangerous as anger.
Forgiveness isn’t used to manage anything. Forgiveness obliterates the hostility that takes residence in life’s relationships. God doesn’t manage his anger toward us. In Christ Jesus, God forgave us our sin. Ephesians 2:14 (NIV) says, "He destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility." Why lower the bar by talking about managing or coping with anger? Why not pursue forgiveness? Why not be done with anger altogether? Why not be set free? Do you really want to be a slave to your anger for your whole life? It will destroy you!
So the Bible doesn’t talk about anger management. It talks about forgiveness. Our text today in Ephesians 4:24-32 is all about pursuing a pathway of forgiveness. This is one of the easiest passages to understand, but one of the most difficult to put into practice. Yet as you pursue this pathway of forgiveness, you will discover that God’s grace is sufficient, that his power is perfected in weakness, and that God will prove faithful. If you have a pen and paper, why not draw a curvy line on your paper? This will be the pathway to forgiveness. I’ll give you seven stepping stones for defeating anger.
Speak truthfully.
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
If you are genuinely angry with someone, the first thing you need to do is to stop pretending that there is nothing wrong in your relationship. I mean that you need to put off the false mask, and speak the truth to the person who has offended you. There is a good possibility that they have no idea that you are angry, or how deeply you feel about what has happened. I’d guess that ninety percent of the anger we feel could be obliterated by taking this one step. But most often we just internalize things. We stew around and things build in our minds. So this is the starting point. The truth will set you free, but it must first be spoken.
Stop sinning.
"In your anger do not sin:"
One of the first things we do when we are angry is that we begin sinning. We sin against God for sure, but we sin directly against the person who has hurt us. We look to sabotage her, to humiliate her, and to harm her in some way that creates the same pain in her life that we feel in our lives. We lay awake at night, just plotting.
I vividly remember high school. There were dozens of kids who hurt me. The first few years I got beaten up, harassed, insulted, and humiliated. I would often lay awake at night plotting how I might exact revenge from those who tormented me. I rehearsed what I would say and what I would do. It was total foolishness, but I thought that sinning would be therapeutic and that it would give release to my anger. Instead, it only fueled it more!
Folks, sin only adds fuel to the fire. It makes you angrier andit makes the other party angry. There is a good possibility that your sins are part of the anger problem. It takes two to tango. When you stop sinning, you are at least halfway to the solution.
Reconcile today.
"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
Consider Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:23-26 (NIV). "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
Be honest. All too often we have no intention of reconciling our relationships. We want to hold on to our anger. Day after day we want to be stubborn and obstinate, continually inflicting as much hardship, inconvenience, and grief as possible. All too often we’d just as soongive the devil some real estate in our souls rather than to reconcile. Well ultimately, it isn’t the other person who will pay the price. It is you.
The courts, whether divorce court, the local police department, or our prison system, aren’t the places where you want to start working things out. The only day better than today to resolve your anger is yesterday. You may think that worshiping God should be your first order of business today. Well not if you have angry business to take care of. First go and reconcile, then come offer your gift.
Do something useful.
"He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need."
At first I thought it was odd that Paul inserted these verses in the text. But then I realized how important it is that these verses appear where they do. A lot of our anger stems from an idle, self-absorbed mind. An idle mind invents intentions and assigns motives. A self-absorbed mind exaggerates offenses. A lot of the anger we feel, not all, but a lot, is completely manufactured in the idle mind.
In 1 Timothy 5:13 (NIV) Paul speaks of those who, "get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to."
If you are a stay-at-home mom, an unemployed or retired person, or work in a slow job where you have a lot of time to think about things, it is important that you busy your body and mind with things that are beneficial. Volunteer. Serve in the church. Read your Bible. Pray. Get a job. It is not healthy to have an idle mind or an idle body. It often leads to depression and mental illness. If you have exerted a lot of energy being angry at someone and recently forgave them, it's good for you to move on and put your energies into something beneficial.
Build them up.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."
Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The tongue betrays the heart and the tongue betrays our anger. Have you ever noticed that you can tell how angry someone is by listening to how they talk about others? Have you ever listened how the angry person talks directly to others? As part of the pathway to forgiveness, Paul is instructing us to bring our tongues under control. The tongue can inflict tremendous pain. It can rip old wounds wide open.
If your tongue is still whipping your children, your spouse, or whoever, you haven’t yet forgiven them. There is no other way to say this. You need to knock it off! Stop the cussing. Stop the malice. Stop the bitterness. Stop the slander and gossip. Stop the name calling, the insults, the sniping, and the grenade throwing. Say something of benefit, something helpful, or something that meets the needs of the other person. Say something that encourages him, that builds him up, and that pleases God. A kind word disarms. It disarms your anger and it disarms the person who has hurt you.
Be kind and compassionate.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another...,"
As you get rid of all the anger, it's time to demonstrate kindness and compassion. This is the ultimate test of forgiveness. Can you be kind to the person who has hurt you? Can you be kind to your spouse, your children, your ex, your inlaws, and your boss? A kind act is just as powerful, if not more powerful than a kind word. It demonstrates to you and to the other person that you have truly moved beyond your anger and hurt. It's also a great passive-aggressive behavior to enjoy.
Romans 12:19-21 (NIV) says, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay', says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Forgive as God forgave.
"...forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
This my friends, is the destination. This is the goal. That we would be like Christ, that we would be imitators of God, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave us. In Christ, God destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility. We who were once far away from God have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.
Action Plan: Your pathway to forgiveness.
So let’s do a quick flyover and survey the pathway to forgiveness. First, we put off falsehood and speak the truth to the other person about our anger. Don’t use the phone. Don’t send an e-mail. You go directly to the person, face-to-face, and tell him the truth about how his actions have impacted you.
Second, stop sinning. We stop adding fuel to the fire, exacerbating the problem with more hurt.
Third, be reconciled today. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Work out your differences. Get a counselor or mediator if necessary. But work things out sooner, ratherthan later.
Fourth, do something useful. Move beyond the anger. Channel all your energy in a new direction. Busy your mind and body and don’t be idle. Don’t slip back into a rut.
Fifth, build the person up. Stop tongue-lashing the one you’ve been angry with. Use your tongue for good and not for evil. Encourage him. Compliment him. Support him. Praise him. Pray for him.
Sixth, be kind and compassionate. Do good. Serve the person who has wronged you.
Seventh, forgive each other just as in Christ, God forgave you.
How did God forgive us through Christ Jesus? Jesus spoke the truth to us about our sins. Jesus was without sin. He died on the cross for our sins in order to reconcile us to God. He completed the work that God gave him to do. Jesus spoke to us about the hope of eternal life. He sent his Holy Spirit to work in our lives, and he has promised to be with us to very end of the age.