(Note to reader- this sermon was preceded by a video of clips from commercials and billboards.)
Those clips give us a flavor of what women do for love and what men do for respect. Every billboard, every commercial, every radio spot, and every newspaper ad promises a creative new way for women to find love, and men to find respect. According to these commercials, love and respect is all about health club membership, the liquor you drink, the perfume you choose, the car you drive, or the brand of clothing you wear. Yet none of these things produce the love that women want or the respect that men desire. Let’s talk for a moment about women’s desire for love and men’s desire for respect.
Men have an innate need for respect. To find respect, men bury themselves in a frenzy of activity. Many of us are industrious. We acquire tools and expensive toys. And sometimes we use them. But we want to make a mark. We want something we can point at and be proud of and say, "I did that!"
We have a competitive drive. We want to be the best at what we do. We will even build up our physical strength, skills, and knowledge to gain the edge over others. We love sports and at times try to mimic professional athletes. When we fail, we keep on trying and believing anyway. Denial is a beautiful thing for us.
Men have an interest in power and authority. For men, position is synonymous with respect. "If I get that promotion. If I am put in charge of that project. If people listen to me and follow my instructions and ask my advice. If I can somehow become irreplaceable." For men, respect is also synonymous with social status. We like to build castles and wield all the symbols of success. We want the home in the upscale neighborhood, the luxury sports car, the Harley Davidson, the fine dining, and the big home. All stereotypical things.
Men work hard for respect. But men aren’t finding respect in these things. We are continually being outdistanced by people with just a little more of a competitive edge, or a little more charm, or a little more intelligence, or a little more luck. Our greatest accomplishments today will be forgotten tomorrow. Eventually, all the trophies will be removed from the trophy case, placed in storage, and forever forgotten. For men, respect is hard to achieve and it is even harder to sustain.
Women need to be loved.
On the flip side, women have this innate need for love. To find love, women are doing many of the same things men do in order to find respect. While men are being encouraged to become more tender and nurturing and feminine, women are being encouraged to become more masculine. Today, women can be just as competitive, just as career-driven, just as sports-oriented, and just as interested in power and authority and social status as men. But they are doing these things for different reasons than men.
It's not that women don’t want to be respected. We all need to be respected. It's just that women really want to be loved. They want to be cherished, treasured, appreciated, valued, and esteemed for who they are. Whereas men could care less, women take pride in their appearance. In order to be loved, they want to look younger, to maintain that perfect figure, to fit into certain size clothing, to smell good, to turn heads, to be attractive, and to be on the cover of Glamour Magazine. In order to be loved women get involved, they listen, they empathize, they laugh and cry, they interact, they talk, and talk, and talk some more. They think of others, and want to be thought of themselves. To be loved, women will take charge of the Homefront and family. Dishes, laundry, scrubbing, vacuuming, dusting, bills, changing diapers, child-rearing, parent-teacher meetings, homework, discipline, errands, shopping, cooking, gardening. Not a stone is left unturned. Plus, on top of these things, they’ll work outside the home.
What destroys relationships is when men stop loving their wives and when wives stop respecting their husbands. It's when each one begins to ignore the needs of the other.
Men's actions which candooma relationship.
We'll pick on men first. We can be so rude and insensitive. We can pretend the whole world revolves around us and that our wives exist to serve us. We can act like what we do is so much more important and demanding than what our wives do. With a few words we can completely shut them off as we retreat into our caves to work, or to play, or to kick back and relax.
Traditionally, men have been rather chauvinistic by putting women in their places, making them feel stupid, not appreciating their contributions, not recognizing their sacrifices, not esteeming their beauty, and becoming controlling and demanding and unfair. This is why it is not really that funny when men quote scriptures like Ephesians 5:22 (NIV) out of context. "Wives, submit to your husbands." It is like joking about slavery. There is a history of oppression and exploitation between men and women.
Women's actions which can doom a relationship.
But let’s be fair and balanced here, because women often do not respect men. For a lot of women it's, "Anything he can do, I can do better." And that may be the case. But many women carry on as if men needn’t exist. Today’s woman is independent. She wears a tool belt. She does plumbing and electrical work. She runs a chain saw. She’s the breadwinner. She’s an army of one.
She tells her husband how he can improve himself, how he can be more ambitious, how he can be more romantic, and how he can be a little more tidy. She nags and controls and demeans and mothers and criticizes and second-guesses his decisions. She belittles him and causes him to doubt his own abilities.
It is not that women, or wives, need to become co-dependent on their husbands, unable to execute a single decision without his permissive word, or even unable to criticize. It's just that men will surrender their leadership whenever they are disrespected. "You think I’m lazy? You think I’m a coach potato? You think I’m a child? You think I am worthless? You think you can do it better without me? Fine!"
You want to bring out the worst in a man? Disrespect him. It doesn’t matter whether he is your husband, your son, your coworker, your boss, or your subordinate. You want to bring out the worst in a woman? Be a chauvinist. Take her for granted. Put her in her place. Bully her into your way. Put yourself first and ignore her needs. It is foolishness to talk this way! Of course we want the best for one another.
God's key to a happy marriage.
Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." This verse is the key to a happy marriage, but also the key for any successful male-female relationship.
A few weeks back I really hit the verse in Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) hard. It says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Men are fond of quoting the next verse that is directed to women, but this verse is directed at both men and women, to both husband and wife. "Submit to one another!" The husband and wife are to each put the needs of the other before his or her own needs.
The husband is to love his wife just as he loves himself. Why? Not because that is what he most needs, but because that is what his wife most needs! Men, your wives need to know that you are at least as concerned about them as you are for yourself!
The wife is to show respect for her husband. Why? Not because that is what she most needs, but because that is what the husband most needs! Wives, your husbands need to know that you need them and that you value their leadership. The submission between a husband and wife is to be complementary. It is to be mutually beneficial, with each meeting the deepest need and longing in the other.
Women may snicker at their husbands' need for respect, but show me a happy marriage and a peaceful home where a wife has no respect for her husband! Show me a happy marriage where the husband is whipped into submission, following along behind his wife, being mothered and never given a chance to lead out. Such a happy marriage doesn’t exist.
Men may snicker at their wives' need for love, but show me a happy marriage and a peaceful home where a husband is a chauvinist! One where a husband thinks his gender excuses him from having to be thoughtful, decent, sensitive, and appreciative. Such a happy marriage doesn’t exist.
God’s word is going to get some marriages and relationships back on track today. Let’s keep this as simple and clear as God’s word. A husband should always concern himself with only one question. What is the most loving thing I can do for my wife?
Jesus' example for husbands.
Jesus Christ is the example for husbands. He didn’t come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many. He didn’t wait for us to respect him, but while we were still sinners, he died for us. He took the initiative. He set aside his wrath against sin, and his grace made room for us. He laid down his life for the Church. He forgave us. He bled for us. He valued us. He is our great example.
But Jesus did something else for his bride, the Church. He made her beautiful. Not by giving her outward adornments like braided hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothing. But by giving her another kind of beauty, an inner beauty that will never fade. Christ has made the Church holy by demonstrating sacrificial love, by speaking holy and redemptive words to her. By presenting her to himself as a radiant bride, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. By caring for and nourishing the relationship. By becoming one with her, forever and for eternity.
Husbands, what is the most loving thing you can do for your wife? Ephesians 5:25-27 (NIV) says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
Your wife wants love. She wants grace. She wants you to look beyond her imperfections. She wants to see in your eyes that you see her as you did on your wedding day. She wants you to see her as a radiant bride, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and beautiful. She wants to know if she matters, that you value the relationship, that your love is more than skin deep, that it is till death do you part, that your love is unconditional, and that your love is bringing out the absolute best in her. This isn’t a bunch of sentimental mumbo-jumbo. You want God to love you in the very same ways. I’m glad God’s love forgives my imperfections and weaknesses. I’m humbled at how God’s love compels me to become more holy. What is the most loving thing you can do for your wife? Love as Christ loved.
Instruction on submission
But there is an equally important question. Wives, what is the most loving thing you can do for your husbands? Ephesians 5:22-24(NIV) says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." The standard for husbands is to love just as Christ loved. Christ sacrificed his whole life. But the standard for wives is that they should submit to their husbands just as the Church submits to Christ. This submission isn’t for the husband to demand, but for the wife to voluntarily offer.
The Church’s submission to Christ is always for the glory of God. It is always for the sake of righteousness. The wife’s submission is always, "as to the Lord" as stated in Ephesians 5:22(NIV). Her submission is always out of, "reverence for Christ." as stated in Ephesians 5:21(NIV). The wife is not being asked to submit to her husband in violation of her duty to walk in holiness and righteousness before Jesus Christ. Rather, the wife is being commanded to respect her husband. She is being commanded to give him the opportunity and space to exercise true spiritual leadership.
Giving respect
What many women don’t understand is that respect is a powerful motivator. You can nag your husband to death, but you are really just feeding his inertia. If Lara says, "Get up. Be useful. Why are you taking a nap?", I may do what she wants because I’m a nice guy. But a lot of times I will just sit there. But if she says, "I can’t believe all the stuff you’ve done around here. Fixing the septic system, remodeling the basement, hanging that shelf on the wall. My friends at work cannot believe the things you do. Mom cannot believe it either." Then she’s got me!
Men want to be respected for the good work they do, but they also want the space and opportunity to do even more good. They don’t want to be told, commanded, or nagged. Wives, submission tells your husbands, "I respect you. I give you the space and the opportunity to lead. I’m ready to follow your example, as you follow Christ. I’d rather follow along with you than walk ahead all alone."
Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
You have tried it your way long enough, why not try it God’s way for a while?