One of our greatest areas of struggles is our own sexuality. Growing up in the Church (and a Christian home), the topic of sexuality was never raised. I wouldn't say it was taboo, it was just never brought up. High School Health class was the first time the topic of sexuality ever saw the light of day.
Back in the 80s there was a lot of concern about the AIDs epidemic, the alarming rise of STDs, the tragic incidences of unwanted pregnancies. Educators took a kind of “scared straight" approach. If you so much as looked at a person of the opposite sex, you were made to believe all the terrors of AIDS, STDs, Teenage Pregnancy, Divine and Parental Wrath were certain to visit you. *Most discussions about sexuality were negative, and fear-based. “Don't mess up.”
Now by the time I graduated high school, youth groups began preaching the virtues of purity and abstinence. I subscribed to these virtues then; I subscribe to them now. But most discussions in Christian circles about sexuality were both fear and shame-based. If you failed at any point sexually, you became a kind of pariah. You were permanently stained by your sin. There wasn't much grace shown, or hope held out for you.
Funny story. The summer after I graduated college, I attended church camp one last time. That week a pastor forcefully taught, “If you lose your virginity, it’s gone forever. You can never be made pure again. It’s like in the Bible, when God put a mark on Cain, warning that no one should touch him. Now I was sitting there and, keep in mind, I never so much as kissed a girl. I never dated anyone.
Months later, everything changed. I’d begun dating Lara. She was like me. We’d never found anyone until we found each other. But fast forward, that first semester I’m sitting in Bible class. The topic of sexuality came up, and the professor says he believed… through forgiveness in Christ, through work of Holy Spirit, through God's grace… one could regain their “spiritual virginity” and be “made pure again." The professor was just as adamant as the pastor I’d heard.
So, after class, I told the professor I’d just been taught differently. I had no self-awareness, it was terrible. Next thing I know, the professor gives me a once over, as if trying to size me up, and says, “I'm sorry you've been hurt by that kind of teaching.” Before I could say anything else, he turned and walked away. I stood there speechless thinking, “No wait, I'm not asking for me, me, I'm just asking. I've only ever been kissed by my mom. . .” I told Lara about it later. I said, “I’m pretty sure your dad’s colleague thinks I'm promiscuous.” Her dad was a prominent professor, Vice President, and a pastor! Lara reassuringly said, “Yeah, that was really dumb!”
Anyhow, fear and shame seemed to dominate discussions about sexuality. If you tweak the story of the Pharisee and Tax Collector, who went up to the Temple to pray… The one prays, “I thank God I've been so righteous (i.e. pure and abstinent), and not at all like that promiscuous sinner over there…” But the other stays at a distance, beating his chest. He cannot so much as lift his head to heaven, he is so filled with shame. “God have mercy on me a sinner…”
Through the years we’ve created a two-class system of Christian. I’m pretty sure there is no asterisk next to the word sinner in the Bible. The blood of Christ is sufficient and atones for all sin. 1 John 1:9. If you confess your sin, God is faithful and just not just to forgive your son but by his Holy Spirit, purify you from *all* unrighteousness. Galatians 2:20. If anyone is in Christ, he or she is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come. Grace should never be a license for someone to sin recklessly or promiscuously… but neither should grace be held back, and the shame and guilt of a broken and contrite soul exacerbated. Jesus didn't come to condemn, but to save. He who the Son sets free is free indeed.
Besides. There are so many people who have been sinned against sexually. A positive of the #MeToo Movement, is people started talking openly about their wounds. Before #MeToo I would have guessed a small percentage of people were sinned against sexually. It’s actually a majority.
If you've been sinned against, do you become so eternally dirty there can be no coming back, not even to God? What if through no intent of your own… a family member…a stranger… a criminal… an aggressive boyfriend… violated you? Are you now forever an outcast and failure? Is there no path of healing? Can there ever be forgiveness, or release from the guilt, the shame , the victimization, the injustices, and the traumas of sexual sin? And what if you were the aggressor?
Listen: God's mercy and grace are exceedingly abundant. If you have been wronged, there is grace. If you have wronged another, there is real mercy and hope. Regardless of your past, you are not a sexual pariah. You can be washed and forgiven, you can be made whole by blood of Jesus. You can move through your past, and beyond your past.
One thing that must happen… because sin (especially sexual sin) is so prevalent… because those who’ve sinned or been sinned against have been so beat up by fear, guilt and shame… because those who’ve prevailed can be so suffocatingly self-righteous… what must happen is we need to be made new in our attitude and mind about our own sexuality.
So along comes this tiny book called the Song of Songs, written by King Solomon. We probably wouldn't put Solomon on any kind of pedestal of sexual virtue or righteousness. The guy had countless wives and concubines, his lifestyle cut a broad path of #MeToo destruction. Did he write this book early in life, late in life? Remarkably, the Lord God gave Solomon Divine Wisdom in spades, more than any other man. It's only because of the Spirit of God, not the character of the vessel, that we’d entertain this book.
The book Song of Songs has been a kind of thorn in the church's side. Like the book of Esther, there is no mention of God! This has caused the church to treat this book as one giant allegory for our relationship with God. If you ever feel uncomfortable with contemporary “Jesus, my boyfriend” music, it doesn’t hold a candle to Song of Songs, if this book is indeed a giant allegory for God our Lover!
This book is problematic for another reason. It seems to be rated “E” for Everyone. The Song of Songs is a positive, unapologetic, unqualified, wisdom-guided, Divinely-inspired, portrait of human sexuality! We shouldn’t read this book as if it’s been given in a vacuum. We have all the Bible, that defines and sets the hedges of protection around our sexuality. We’d all do well to pay equal attention to the “fuller” counsel of God’s Word. For instance, we know that sexuality is a God-given gift. That’s it been given for our enjoyment, even for God’s glory! We know what the Bible says not just about marriage and sexuality, but also gender and one’s very personhood.
The dominant metaphor for personhood (not just sexuality) in the Song of Solomons is that of a garden. It’s not coincidental, that in the beginning, God created Adam and Eve in his own image, male and female, and put them in the garden. In the garden, Adam announces of Eve, Genesis 2:23, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” God has wired man and woman up to experience profound bond of unity. Genesis 2:24 describes how, “They were naked and felt no shame.” In the Hebrew text, Genesis 4:21 describes how “Adam KNEW Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.” Modern translations say, Adam “made love.” But something much more profound than mere love making, or a physical act, is in view. Adam and Eve’s love was far more than skin deep. They “knew” one another spiritually, socially, intellectually, emotionally, psychologically, volitionally. There was a vulnerability and intimacy, a universe removed from transactional, self-centered, superficial sexuality we see today.
Let me explain the difference this way. Adam and Eve didn't “make love” no more than a gardener “makes fruit.” Love isn’t “made” instead it’s “cultivated.” To produce fruit the gardener must cultivate the soil, sow seeds, water and fertilize what’s been sown. But at the end of the day, the gardener knows that it is God who causes all things to grow and bear fruit. For Adam and Eve, “knowing” was cultivating not coercing. Thus, Eve’s acknowledgement: “God gave me a man (child).”
A major theme of Song of Songs is that love shouldn’t be rushed. Three times, Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4, it warns, “Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and the wild does of the field, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.” Love-making is to crown, celebrate a relationship. It’s not a cheap, nor casual, nor impulsive gesture.
In fact, in Song of Songs 7:10 the woman says, “. . . I am my love’s, and his desire is for me.” There is an exclusivity, a profound devotion, to their relationship. Song of Songs 8:6 she says, “Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; jealousy is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love’s flames are fiery flames—an almighty flame.” The invitation is not to “fall in love” but to “set one’s love and affections.” The imagery is of sealing, or relational permanence, of covenant. The terms are unto death… our love is a strong as death! Until death do we part! For them to be separated, or made jealous, or to have their love stolen by another, is to experience a kind of spiritual hell, or sheol! And the intense fiery passion of their love is characterized by the Almighty’s affection for Israel. If ever you dared to tread upon God, and deny God his son, you’d have hell to pay. Ask Pharoah! Their love is unquenchable, the Almighty’s fire!
Something amazing about Song of Songs, is it speaks of a pure and natural, perhaps even naïve kind of love. The lovers approach one another with complete sobriety. Song of Songs 1:2, “Oh, that he would kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your caresses are more delightful than wine.” Love is intoxicating enough, it need not be spoiled by wine, or anything else. Song of Songs 1:16-17, “Our bed is verdant; the beams of our house are cedars, and our rafters are cypresses.” Verdant means fertile! It means grassy, green, lush, fruitful, satisfying. Neither has to go outside the marriage to be satisfied.
In Song of Songs, love isn’t a passive endeavor. Love must be vigilant. Song of Songs 2:15 the woman pleads, “Catch the foxes for us—the little foxes that ruin the vineyards—for our vineyards are in bloom.” Marriages aren’t always ruined by big enemies or threats… they’re ruined by little pesky foxes that are allowed run free.
Yesterday a neighbor told me he loved the cute little ground squirrels that played in his yard. But soon, they began destroying everything. He had no choice but to set lethal traps for the critters. He said, “Jon, I thought I had a ground squirrel problem, as in a singular ground squirrel. No, there were 21 of them things in my yard, they just all looked the same.” You let one thing go, and soon you begin letting many things go, and pretty soon your marriage and home is ruined. A fox can be any attitude, or behavior, or vice you let into your marriage. In the beginning it seems harmless, even cute… oh they play video games, smoke a little weed, watch a little porn, skip church, harbor anger, act self-centered, lie about their spending… but soon the train is off the rails! Love must be vigilant!
In Song of Songs 3:7-8 love powerfully protects. “Look! Solomon’s bed surrounded by sixty warriors from the mighty men of Israel. All of them are skilled with swords and trained in warfare. Each has his sword at his side to guard against the terror of the night.” Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that read, “Destroy the Patriarchy.” The car had all sorts of other bumper stickers about hating men. A strong patriarchy is a blessing to a nation—to have men that use their power to protect, to defend, to fight. In a weak patriarchy, the rights of people are tread upon—like the freedom of expression. Drive around in China, or Russia, or Middle East with those bumper stickers. Godly men fight, protect, defend.
Holy smokes, in Song of Songs love both “admires” and “is admired.” The book has eight chapters, you can read it in fifteen minutes. The woman’s admiration for her lover is explicit. Song of Songs 5:10–16 (CSB): 10 My love is fit and strong, notable among ten thousand. 11 His head is purest gold. His hair is wavy, and black as a raven. 12 His eyes are like doves beside flowing streams, washed in milk and set like jewels. 13 His cheeks are like beds of spice, mounds of perfume. His lips are lilies, dripping with flowing myrrh. 14 His arms are rods of gold set with beryl. His body is an ivory panel covered with lapis lazuli. 15 His legs are alabaster pillars set on pedestals of pure gold. His presence is like Lebanon, as majestic as the cedars. 16 His mouth is sweetness. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.” His love is even more explicit. Their love is just as much admired by the young women and daughters of Jerusalem. Their love inspires younger people to want the same kind of love. There isn’t anything wholesome or lifegiving about the corrupted sexuality, corrupted gender, corrupted state of marriage today. Young people need to understand and see the beauty of their gender, sexuality, personhood expressed in healthy manner in context of God’s honoring love.
What am I cultivating in the garden of my own soul? What am I cultivating in the garden of my marriage and home? What am I cultivating in view of next generation of young people?