Spiraling Marriages
My preparation for this message began fifty-three years ago when I was a seminary student in a course called New Testament Ethics. One of my assignments was to research and write a paper on the ethical dilemma of divorce and remarriage and present it to the class. That was a challenge for a young, newly married minister in training with very little experience. Thirty years later, a colleague asked me to write a chapter on that same subject for a book he was editing on the Sermon on the Mount called The Preacher’s Teacher. So, I have been thinking about and studying this subject for a long time but that doesn’t make me an expert.
I would add to that this confession: even after 57 years of marriage, I am anything but an expert on marriage (you can ask my wife). My convictions about marriage, divorce, and remarriage have been shaped much more by studying what Scripture teaches than by my own experience or by the examples of others in my upbringing. All of that is important because this is not an easy subject.
John R. W. Stott expressed the challenge well in his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount when he wrote: “I confess to a basic reluctance to attempt an exposition of these verses. This is partly because divorce is a controversial and complex subject, but even more because it is a subject which touches people’s emotions at a deep level.”
He went on to describe the pain of an unhappy marriage and the tragedy of seeing what God intended for love and fulfillment deteriorate into bitterness, discord, and despair. Stott concluded by saying that although he believed God’s way in most cases was not divorce, he wanted to write with sensitivity because he knew the pain many people experience. Yet he also believed that the teaching of Jesus was good—good for individuals and good for society—and therefore he had the courage to address it. I share that same sentiment, so my prayer today is that I will speak with sensitivity, grace and truth.
I know some of you have been divorced perhaps for no fault of your own. My intent is not to guilt you but to encourage you to honor God in your singleness or in a God-honoring marriage. For too long the church treated divorce like an unforgivable sin. While preparing this message I heard the true story of a couple who wanted to leave their spouses so they could get together. Because of their strong religious convictions divorce was not an option so they conspired to murder their spouses instead. They actually murdered one of the spouses. How is it possible that they perceived their religion would not tolerate being divorced but would accept them as murderers?
The title for this message “Spiraling Marriages” certainly describes the trajectory of views toward marriage and divorce. This is not only supported by statistics from the Pew Research Center and Gallup’s annual tracking but illustrated by James Emery White in a Church & Culture blog. He pointed to a TikTok trend in which women post pictures of themselves before and after a relationship ends and describe the result as a “divorce glow-up.” The message behind the trend is essentially this: My life got better when my marriage ended. He translated this trend: “Divorce can be good for you. After all, it was for them. And since almost every online influencer leverages their experience as their authority, credibility and credentials, it’s affecting sensibilities—even leading some women to throw divorce parties to mark the occasion.”
White came to this conclusion—"There are certainly biblical grounds for divorce, but the trend on TikTok is not about the painful but sometimes necessary release from an adulterous or abusive relationship. It feels more akin to the trivialization of the marriage vows and the celebration of their ending in highly narcissistic ways. It sends the message that divorce is better than staying married, almost no matter what state the marriage is in, because it results in a better ‘you.’”
In the first-century Roman world, divorce and remarriage were commonly accepted.
My New Testament Ethics professor, Knofel Staton, once noted that “the historian Seneca recorded that some people married in order to get divorced and divorced in order to marry again.” He also observed that “even among the crowds listening to Jesus in first-century Palestine were people who had experienced divorce and remarriage.” So, Jesus was not speaking into a culture where this was a theoretical issue. He was speaking into a culture where marriage and divorce were already common and complicated realities.
And here is what Jesus said in His Kingdom manifesto regarding how to surpass the righteousness of the religious leaders of His day (the third contrast after murder and adultery): 31 “It was also said, Whoever divorces his wife must give her a written notice of divorce., 32 But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:31–32, CSB)
Those are difficult words, so rather than glossing over them or rushing past them, let’s put them into their Biblical context. In Jesus’ day divorce was primarily the privilege and prerogative of the husband, not the wife (not unlike the plight of Palestinian women today). The Old Testament background for this teaching is Deuteronomy 24:1-4 where the law said: “If a man marries a woman, but she becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, he may write her a divorce certificate, hand it to her, and send her away from his house. (Deuteronomy 24:1, CSB) The law goes on to forbid that husband from marrying her again if she remarries and her second husband sends her away.
The prohibition in that complex scenario was designed to slow down the process of frivolous divorce and give some protection to the wife, but the teachers of the law found the loopholes in it. In Jesus’ day the debate centered on the meaning of the phrase “something indecent.” The school of Rabbi Shammai interpreted that phrase narrowly, essentially limiting divorce to marital unfaithfulness. The school of Rabbi Hillel interpreted it much more broadly—allowing divorce for virtually any reason. In fact, the interpretation could become so broad that even something as trivial as burning the toast or a husband deciding that his wife was no longer attractive could become grounds for divorce. Husbands, can you imagine how many of us would be divorced if burning the toast was a justifiable reason for divorce.
Regardless of the reason, the consequences for women could be devastating. A divorced woman often had few options for economic survival other than remarriage. That is the environment into which Jesus speaks these words.
As I demonstrate in our Logos Bible software training (that’s my shameless plug), “The best interpreter of Scripture is Scripture” and in this case the best commentary on Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount is found in Matthew 19—3 Some Pharisees approached him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife on any grounds?” 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female,, 5 and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:3-6, CSB)
Notice the differences—The Pharisees began with divorce. Jesus began with creation. The Pharisees asked, “When can a marriage be dissolved?” Jesus answered, in effect, “First, let’s talk about what marriage is.” The Pharisees focused on what Moses said about divorce. Jesus focused on what God said about marriage as a monogamous union between one man and one woman for a lifetime.
The questioning continued: 7 “Why then,” they asked him, “did Moses command us to give divorce papers and to send her away?” 8 He told them, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts, but it was not like that from the beginning. 9 I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:7-9, CSB)
Again, notice the differences—The Pharisees focused on what Moses commanded. Jesus focused on what Moses permitted because of the hardness of people’s hearts. The Pharisees conclusion was from Rabbi Hillel’s perspective of divorce “for any and every reason.” Jesus’ conclusion was more akin to Rabbi Shammai’s perspective of divorce for “one reason”—“sexual immorality.” The word he uses is porneia from which we get our word porn and related words like pornography. It is a general word for sexual immorality. In the midst of numerous perspectives on the meaning of this word, I believe it encompasses any immoral behavior that breaks the “one flesh” relationship of marriage.
Notice the reaction of the disciples—His disciples said to him, “If the relationship of a man with his wife is like this, it’s better not to marry.” (Matthew 19:10, CSB) Apparently, even the disciples thought Jesus was asking for a serious level of commitment! That is precisely the point.
I am going to take my cue from Jesus rather than the Pharisees. Rather than spending our time trying to identify every possible implication of divorce from these texts or the parallel texts in Mark and Luke and Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7, I want us to focus on the biblical case for marriage. Because here is my settled conviction—The best prevention of divorce is better preparation for marriage. So let me put in my plug for the Marriage Reset course that begins here next week led by Brad and Christen Owen. It will be a good investment for you.
I appreciated the way John Stott described his pastoral practice. He said that when someone came to him wanting to talk about divorce, he would first talk with them about two other subjects: marriage and reconciliation. He said sometimes talking about those two subjects made the discussion of divorce unnecessary. At the very least, understanding God’s view of marriage and God’s call to reconciliation created the right context for talking about divorce. I think that is a wise pastoral priority.
We will learn more about forgiveness and reconciliation in upcoming messages from Matthew. So let me share with you my three convictions about marriage this morning.
1. The origin of marriage is rooted in creation not in culture.
When Jesus answered the question about divorce, He went back to Genesis 2. When Paul later spoke about the mystery of Christian marriage, he also went back to Genesis 2:24: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24, CSB) Why? Because marriage did not originate with culture. It originated with God. Contrary to popular marriage is not merely a social construct
Marriage ceremonies and rituals may vary from culture to culture. Customs surrounding marriage may change. Wedding traditions and the amount of money spent on weddings have certainly changed. But the institution of marriage itself is not a human invention.
Think about how strange it would be to theorize that lifelong, monogamous marriage simply evolved out of human ingenuity. Imagine a prehistoric cave man who has lived a promiscuous life, taking one partner after another, suddenly deciding, “You know, this isn't working. I think I'll choose one woman, commit to her for the rest of my life, and build a family together.”
That would be a remarkable evolutionary leap! But Scripture gives us a different explanation. Marriage is God’s design dating all the way back to creation.
As marriage spirals toward losing its divine origin, its very identity becomes uncertain and unstable. That brings me to my second conviction:
2. The essence of marriage is a covenant not a contract.
Our culture often thinks of marriage primarily in contractual terms. Two people agree to certain conditions and if those conditions are no longer being met, the contract can be dissolved. But biblically, marriage is more than a contract. It is a covenant.
A contract says, “I will fulfill my obligations as long as you fulfill yours.” A covenant says, “I am committing myself to you.” Marriage is a covenant between two people made in the presence of the God who created them in His image. Just as God was present when He gave the bride away in the Garden of Eden (bringing Eve to Adam), He is present in every wedding. He is the one who joins the two together. That is why the language of covenant is so important in Scripture.
God is a covenant-making God. He is a covenant-keeping God. And as people of the new covenant, we are called to become people who understand the seriousness of keeping covenant commitments.
The breaking of a covenant is the backdrop of Malachi 2: . . . the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, you have acted treacherously against her. She was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant. (Malachi 2:14, CSB)
Then the prophet says 15 Didn’t God make them one and give them a portion of spirit? What is the one seeking? Godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, so that no one acts treacherously against the wife of his youth. (Malachi 2:15, CSB)
And then to drive home his point, 16 “If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,” says the LORD of Armies. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously. (Malachi 2:16, CSB) Whatever else one may say about divorce, we must not miss the reason Scripture speaks so strongly about it: God takes covenants seriously. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant—not a temporary take it or leave it contract that can be discarded whenever it becomes difficult.
But understand this—We must not use the language of covenant to pressure people to remain in situations where they are being harmed, but neither should we treat marriage as though it is merely an arrangement we can abandon whenever it becomes inconvenient.
When marriage spirals toward a covenant becoming a contract, commitment becomes conditional and transactional. And that leads to my third conviction.
3. The essential ingredient for marriage is commitment not compatibility.
Years ago, Psychology Today offered readers what it called “The Compatibility Game,” testing couples on things like backgrounds, interests, personalities, and preferences. We often assume that the key to a successful marriage is finding someone who is highly compatible with us. And yet, one of the most commonly cited reasons for divorce is incompatibility or “irreconcilable differences.” But perhaps we are asking the wrong question. Maybe the question is not, “How compatible are we?” Maybe the more important question is, “How committed are we?”
I have always been intrigued by cultures in which marriages are arranged by families and where love is understood less as a feeling that precedes marriage and more as a choice that grows within marriage. In such cultures, commitment to family and covenant-keeping can be more important than compatibility.
I am not suggesting that compatibility is irrelevant; it matters. But compatibility cannot carry the weight that commitment can carry. Feelings change. Interests change. Circumstances change. People change. But Christian marriage is built on committed love--commitment to marriage; commitment to your spouse; and most importantly, commitment to Christ. As marriage spirals toward commitment being replaced by compatibility, marriage becomes vulnerable and disposable.
And that brings us to the ultimate model. The model for Christian marriage is not merely some successful married couple. The example to be emulated is Christ and His church. Paul makes that connection in Ephesians 5:21-33 in the context of instructing husbands and wives. He demonstrates that Christ loves His church despite her imperfections just as God continued to love Israel despite Israel’s unfaithfulness.
No wonder he calls this a great mystery. Christ models the faithful commitment Malachi demanded in marriage. By his Spirit that indwells us, Christ empowers us to live out the kind of covenant trust and integrity that God expected from the very beginning of creation. So “what God has joined together let no one separate.”
So where does all of this leave us? It leaves us at the foot of the cross, looking at the One who loves His church with a love that is faithful, sacrificial, and enduring. Marriage is not sustained simply because two people are compatible. It is sustained by a love that forgives, a commitment that perseveres, and a faith that endures.
But let's be careful. We do not honor Christ by pretending that every marriage is healthy or that every situation can be resolved simply by trying harder. We honor Christ by pursuing truth, practicing grace, taking covenants seriously, and seeking the wisdom and help we need.
If you are married, renew your commitment today not merely by remembering the vows you made, but by practicing the faithful love of Christ. If you are preparing for marriage, prepare for the marriage covenant, not simply the wedding ceremony. Develop the character, disciplines, and spiritual maturity that faithful marriage requires. If you are single, your value and calling do not depend on marital status. You can faithfully honor Christ in this season of life where God has placed you. And if you have experienced the pain of divorce, hear this clearly: Your past does not place you beyond God's grace. We are all called to live faithfully before God as recipients of His grace, wherever we are today. As a church we must help people prepare for marriage and experience healthy marriages by upholding biblical marriage while being a community of truth, compassion, and restoration?
May we never forget that the goal is not simply to avoid divorce. The goal is to learn to love as Christ loves.
Perhaps this morning you would like to continue this conversation after this service or perhaps you would like to have someone pray with you about something you are facing. Then make your way to the Point located to your left in our lobby. You can also sign up there for small groups or the Marriage Reset class, or the upcoming Partnership Luncheon to learn more about Lakeside’s vision and mission. Most importantly we encourage you to discover how God loves you and has paid for your salvation through a study called Explore Hope. Let’s pray.