Years back, Lara and I found a nice little shortcut over to the Target and Walmart area. When traffic is heavy we turn off of Veterans Parkway, take the Mather's Gun Club road, zig zag behind Panther Creek, cross the interstate and we're pretty much there. The first time we took that shortcut, we noticed this large yellow sign indicating the presence of a single lane railroad viaduct ahead. Seeing a number of cars approaching, we slowed down and watched as each vehicle took turns passing under the viaduct, each yielding to the next in line.
A while later we came back through the viaduct, but from the opposite direction. We noticed the exact same yellow sign warning about the single lane railroad viaduct. Vehicles coming from both directions were being asked to yield and to give the right-of-way to oncoming traffic. This sign presents a reasonable and gracious way of preventing a head-on collision. [Yield Sign]
This morning we come to one of the most overlooked verses in all of scripture. But it is also one of most important verses in the Bible about making life’s relationships work. In Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) Paul writes, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
When it comes to relationships these days, there are an awful lot of head-on collisions taking place. Collisions between husband and wife, parents and their children, employers and employees, and even the government and her citizens. There are also collisions between friends, families, neighbors, and fellow believers. Increasingly, people are relying on local law enforcement, the courts, and lawyers to arbitrate the single lane viaducts of life. Relationships are a mess. Families are in disarray. Friendships are shattered. Churches and communities are torn apart. There is utter turmoil and chaos in all our relationships.
But why does all this chaos exist? It exists because of our unwillingness to yield to one another, to submit to one another, and to honor Christ in all of life’s relationships. Think for a moment about a relational collision that is happening right now in your life. I just mentioned some examples. Maybe there are some very real differences between the parties in your marriage. It is amazing how even smallest of things can become so volatile.
One couple was telling me about their first big fight. Since childhood, the husband had always rolled up the toothpaste tube, carefully squeezing out every last ounce. But the wife could care less about how the toothpaste tube looked. She would callously squeeze the middle of the toothpaste tube. She even had the audacity to throw away a partially full tube of toothpaste. Well, the husband had taken about all he could take. One day he just exploded. "Let me show you how to squeeze toothpaste onto your toothbrush. You start at the end, you fold it over a little each day, and none gets wasted. Why is that so hard for you?" For weeks, they bantered back and forth, each becoming more entrenched in their respective positions. After several years of marriage they finally just agreed to disagree. Today they laugh about it. She still doesn’t roll up her toothpaste tube!
But many couples, even after years of marriage, aren’t so lighthearted about such matters. The little seeds of annoyance that were sown early on, have germinated. And now, a bitter root has grown up in the relationship. Conflict has become the new normal, the status quo. Such relational collisions certainly aren’t limited to marriages.
Like two wild elk fighting for dominance, parents butt heads with their teenagers. Each refuses to give in, escalating the tension to new heights day in and day out. Old friends exchange insult for insult, each refusing to forgive one another, each returning a fresh volley of hurt and pain. Bosses stubbornly insist on doing things their own way, while employees passively resist their efforts. Neither side is understanding the other and neither is looking out for the interests of company.
No, it's more important to be right. It's more important to have one’s way. It's more important to assert oneself and win. No matter what the cost, it's more important to protect our pride and ego. So we treat our relationships like the NCAA tournament in which there can only be one winner. That winner should be us. (Go Illinois!) Think of the decimation that our sinful ego is creating in our relationships. The image of two cars twisted together like candy wrappers, laying alongside a highway after a violent head-on collision, comes to mind.
Our problem is that we cannot come to terms with the first word in Ephesians 5:21 (NIV). "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
The Posture of Submission
Submission is a foreign concept for us. We want the power. We want the supremacy on land, sea, and air. We want to dominate. We want to be in control. We want to call the shots. We want to be on top. We want other people to march to our drum beat. We want other people to be the means to our ends. We want them to fulfill our desires. To admit a mistake, to ask for forgiveness, to yield to another person, to show gentleness or forbearance or meekness, to be generous, or to put someone else’s needs before our own is to show weakness. And showing weakness is unthinkable. Our greatest fear is becoming someone else’s stepping stone. Our greatest fear is to be exploited.
A lot of men are fond of skipping Ephesians 5:21and instead read the first half of Ephesians 5:22 (NIV) which says, "Wives, submit to your husbands…" I cannot tell you how many times wives have complained about how this verse gets used in the context of the household. A lot of men wield this verse like a club, beating their wives into submission. "Do what I say. Give me my way. Obey me. Serve me! But biblical submission is not what it first appears to be.
In Ephesians 5:21 Paul is talking about a general relationship principle that applies to everyone. He is talking to men and women, young and old, employers and employees, masters and slaves, parents and children, church leaders and church members.
Only in Ephesians 5:22 and later in Ephesians 5:25 does Paul begin to apply the concept of submission to the marriage relationship. Wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to reciprocate that submission. Submission isn’t a one way street. Submission isn't a win-lose relationship with people we have been able to dominate through our character, competence, craftiness, or position. In fact, submission isn’t based on hierarchy at all. Submission is two-way street. It is a dynamic relationship of mutuality and of give and take. Over at the railroad viaduct, large trucks yield to Yugos, the rich yield to the poor, and the powerful yield to the insignificant. Submission is based on mutual concern and on mutual well-being.
Jesus Christ submitted himself to his father's will.
One of the things we forget about submission is that Jesus Christ submitted himself. He submitted himself to his father's will, but he also submitted himself in death, to us. Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV) says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Philippians 2:5-8 (NIV) continues, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!"
In Mark 10:45 (NIV) Jesus tells his followers that he "...did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
One of our problems, and one of the reasons our relationships are in such messes, is that we see submission as a sign of weakness. But for Jesus, it was a sign of strength. Submission was a sign that even Jesus, the very Son of God, would voluntarily became our servant. Your position of authority, your wealth, your strength, your power, your competence, your skills, your education, your age, your experiences, or your gender don't exempt you from the principle of submission. If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for you.
The call to mutual submission
In Ephesians 5:22 wives are instructed to submit to their husbands. But in Ephesians 5:25 men are told to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
In Ephesians 6:1-2 children are admonished to honor and obey their parents. But in Ephesians 6:4 parents are commanded not exasperate their children, but to provide training and instruction.
In Ephesians 6:5 slaves are taught to serve their earthly masters wholeheartedly. Yet in Ephesians 6:9 masters are commanded to do the same for their slaves. Masters are to serve their slaves wholeheartedly.
The concept of submission, if applied biblically, will turn the cultural hierarchy of relationships upside-down. Instead of looking at people as extensions of our will or as objects to be manipulated to fulfill our desires, we make ourselves the servants of others. We submit. Christ serves the Church, but the Church submits to Christ. Husbands sacrificially love their wives, but wives submit themselves back and show proper respect to their husbands. Parents love, care, protect, train, instruct, and serve their children. But children obey their parents. Employers put their employees first by paying them a fair wage and by being kind and generous. But employees serve wholeheartedly as to the Lord.
The biblical concept of submission is not subjugation, or conscription. Subjugation is when you totally defeat someone and forcefully make them do your will. Conscription is taking someone against their will into your service. It's what the government does with the draft. Biblical submission is not compulsory. It is not subjugation or conscription. It is completely voluntary. It is a choice a person makes willingly to put the interests of another before their own interests. It wells up from within a person. Submission is part of the heart of God, that he would put our interests first and serve us.
Now let’s get back for a moment to thinking about what is wrong with our relationships. More often than not, we are putting ourselves first. We are refusing to submit ourselves for the good of others, and this is what is destroying our relationships.
How would marriages be transformed if both husband and wife were to put other's interests first? How would families be transformed if instead of pressuring children to conform to their high ideals, parents would truly put the needs of their children first? Understanding the pressure they're under, walking with them in life, being available, offering encouragement, taking time to talk, and empathizing.
How would workplaces be transformed if employers were truly concerned about the needs of their employees and went the extra mile in wages, scheduling, benefits, and working environment. But employees, in turn, also worked wholeheartedly? What would happen if instead of you waiting for the other person to put your needs first, you put their needs first? What would happen if instead of the other person initiating reconciliation, you took the first step? What would happen if instead of being served, you became the servant?
Our egos, our pride, and our selfishness is what is destroying our relationships. Instead of bringing out the best in others, our selfishness brings out the worst in other people. Selfishness is the great destroyer of friendships, families, marriages, workplaces, communities and churches. But submission promotes healing and reconciliation. You will not see any change in your broken relationships until you swallow your pride and begin putting the needs of the relationship and other person first.
Submission to people is never absolute.
Now, I want us to jump back and take another look at Ephesians 5:21-22. In Ephesians 5:21-22 (NIV) Paul writes, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
I included both verses because I want you to notice that submission, especially within human relationships, is never absolute. The only person who has absolute authority over your life is your Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Our submission is to always be done out of reverence or out of a fear of Christ. Our submission is always, "as to the Lord." Obedience to Christ is always the trump card for whatever another person expects or demands of us. We must never submit to anything other than God’s perfect and holy will. We must most certainly never submit to the sinful desires of another person.
In 1 Corinthians 11:1 (NIV) Paul says, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."
There is a limitation to following, obeying, or submitting to another person. When a person stops following Christ, when he stops honoring God, when he stops valuing God’s will over their own, he's forfeited any right to govern your life.
So let’s put both parts of Ephesians 5:21 together, submission and obedience. Submission says to the other person, "You first. I’m your servant. I value you. I want the best for you. Help me understand. I was wrong. Forgive me. I forgive you." Obedience says to the other person, "Our relationship has to honor Christ. Christ has to be magnified and glorified. His will has to come first before anything we want. Sin cannot take a foothold in our relationship."
It takes humility to submit to others and to put God first. But humility brings healing to even the most tumultuous relationships.