According to CNNMoney.com and the Fairchild Bridal Group, the average couple today spends about $26,327 for their wedding. (source: The Bridal Group, http://money.cnn.com/2005/05/20/pf/weddings/). In today’s dollars, the average wedding in 1950 for one hundred fifty guests was $6,400. (Modern Bride Magazine) They also found that parents today are less likely to foot the ballooning bill. Really, now!
For fun, I want you to take a little test and see how well you do. Keep in mind that the wedding season is upon us and new numbers will be out later this year. In 2005, what was the average cost of an engagement ring? ($4,146) What was the average cost for photography and videography? ($2,570) How about the average cost of music for the ceremony and reception? ($1,250) And what about the average cost of a rehearsal dinner? ($1,153) And finally, how could we ever forget, the average cost of flowers? ($1,121)
The big question is what makes a great, lasting marriage?
Today, couples spare no expense preparing for their wedding day. In the United States alone, weddings are a one hundred twenty five billion dollar industry! We have the planning of lavish wedding ceremonies down to an art! But here’s the bigger question couples must ask. Beyond the wedding ceremony, what makes for a great, lasting marriage? Okay, beyond the honeymoon, what makes for a great, lasting marriage?
Tragically, couples today are not going the distance. First, there are those couples who do not even get to the altar. Instead, they opt to live together in a trial marriage of sorts. On the surface they appear to love one another. They even buy a home together and have children together! But just beneath the surface, their relationship is riddled with insecurities. They have doubts and fears. They don’t trust themselves or the stranger they are with. There are arguments, altercations, power struggles, and selfishness. The verdict on trial marriages is that they rarely last. You cannot build a relationship on insecurity!
When couples do make it to the altar, often after an extended trial marriage, they are quickly disillusioned. Before marriage, couples enter a dream-like state of mind. They believe the possibilities are endless! They believe everything is awesome and will be good tomorrow because they love each other and have found that special kind of love that will conquer the world. But then, their life together begins.
The unfolding drama of marriage.
Alexander Pope says that couples dream in courtship, but in wedlock they wake up! Communication becomes more difficult. Sexual problems increase. They become less willing to face problems and adapt. Husbands and wives begin reasserting their true selves. They become uncertain of one another’s love and they begin blaming one another. That time of disillusionment can quickly slip into a time of misery, where there is no hope and it appears nothing is working. Communication becomes dead, except for the essential and superficial stuff like,"What are we eating for supper?" Sex becomes dead, except for duty sex which becomes routine and manipulative. The couple doesn’t know why they are even staying together. They're both waiting for the other person to take the initiative. "I’ll start loving you when you start showing some love!"
If the perfect wedding ceremony were the key to a great, lasting marriage, weddings would become a one trillion dollar industry! Couples would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars! But as it is, great ceremonies don’t translate into great, lasting marriages. Have you ever gone to one of those weddings where you see the grandma and grandpa sitting there, then the parents from both sides? And then you see the bride and groom standing there before the altar? And then you start feeling sorry for their children who are yet to be born?
A picture-perfect wedding ceremony.
In Genesis 2:15-25 (NIV) we come across a picture-perfect wedding ceremony. Adam and Eve were the perfect couple. Having just been created from God, you couldn’t imagine a more handsome or beautiful couple if you tried. They didn’t have any weird genes floating around. They were perfect! It was as if God himself created just the two of them to be together. Oh wait, he did!
Genesis 2:20-23 (NIV) says, "But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.' "
And talk about the picture-perfect wedding ceremony. The creator of the universe showed up to officiate. Have you ever been to one of those weddings where you just prayed, "Please Lord, don’t let that minister mess up this ceremony." If anyone could have helped Adam and Eve get started on the right foot, it was God! In Genesis 2:24-25 (NIV) God pronounces them husband and wife. " 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.' The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
There is a lot that can be said about Adam and Eve’s relationship at this point. Their relationship was exclusive. They were one flesh. There wasn’t any other person or party to interfere. God, the perfect matchmaker, had joined them together. Their relationship was transparent; they were both naked and felt no shame. There was complete trust and truthfulness down to the most intimate parts of their lives. Their relationship was complementary; Adam had the perfect job, working as a gardener, and his wife worked alongside him, as his helper. They were a team, they cooperated, there was no competition or power struggle. Their relationship was spiritual.They knew God. They walked with him in the garden. They’d been taught by him. They lived within the boundaries God set for their lives. You take everything people say it takes to have a perfect marriage, and Adam and Eve had it!
Oh no! The bride and groom trip and fall.
But oh, what a tragic turn things take in Genesis3 as the bride and groom trip and fall. InGenesis 3:1-9 (NIV) Satan first deceives the woman. "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden?' The woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden', but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' 'You will not surely die,' the serpent said to the woman, 'For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.' When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' "
Isn’t it interesting that one of the first relationships in the Bible to be impacted by sin is marriage? Adam and Eve made a choice to transgress the boundaries God had set for them. "You are free to eat from any tree, but do not eat from the tree in the middle of the garden." Sin can undo the most perfect wedding ceremony, the most perfect marriage, and the most deeply spiritual couple the world has ever known.
Don’t be so confident to think that your relationship with your husband or wife and your relationship with God can handle the sins of your choosing. The consequences of choosing sin for Adam and Eve were horrible. They listened to Satan. They believed his lies. They lusted after evil. They transgressed God’s command. They took the fruit. They shared with each other. Their eyes were opened. They felt shame for their sin. They hid from God. They came under God’s curse. Eve experienced pain in childbirth. She entered into a power struggle with her husband. Adam's work became painful, and not so enjoyable. The ground produced thorns and thistles. Only by the sweat of his brow could he eat. His destiny was becoming like dust. One of their children became a murderer. Evil continually increased from generation to generation.
Why are we so arrogant to think we can transgress God’s law and still live life to the fullest? Every choice is a choice for God or a choice for evil. A choice for life or a choice for death. A choice for God’s blessing and favor or a choice to fall under God’s wrath.
Life's most challenging transitions.
Think for a moment about life’s most challenging transitions. You know, there is love at first sight, your first date, your first kiss. Then there is the engagement, months of planning, the wedding, and the honeymoon. But then you wake! You have unfulfilled desires. Your expectations for one another change. You buy a home and there are repairs. For better or for worse, you realize you are married to your in-laws. Bills begin mounting. Work is stressing you out. Conflict increases. There is frustration, weight gain, career changes, oh surprise- your first child! Your beauty is fading. You notice greener grass. Your parents pass on. "Honey, what’s causing this- another child!" Parenting challenges. Mid-life crisis. Menopause. Grandchildren. Retirement. Lack of mobility. Health problems. Terminal illness.
Watch out for those marriage busters.
How will you navigate life’s transitions? As a couple, will you live within God’s will in marriage, or will you transgress the boundaries he has set for you? And what about those marriage busters? Credit problems. Debt. Business success or failure. Alcohol. Substance abuse. Drugs. Physical exhaustion. Sexual frustration. Loneliness. Low self-esteem. Greener grass infidelity. Pornography. Gambling. Addictions. Interference from in-laws. Selfishness. Pride. Marriage is one of the first places where the effects of sin show up.
The terrible pain of a story gone awry.
What’s it going to take to make your marriage a great, lasting marriage? In Malachi 2:10-16we see the terrible pain of a wedding story gone awry. Through Malachi the prophet, God identifies for the descendents of Adam and Eve and for the children of Israel, that their misery has come from profaning God. They did not respect their creator, God almighty. They did not respect his commands. They did not respect his sanctuary. They did not respect the sanctity, purity, and holiness of the marriage relationship. They did not respect God’s desire to have godly offspring. Instead, they broke their covenant with God. They broke their marriage covenants. The instability of the marriage institution caused their land to become filled with violence, just as Adam and Eve’s son became a murderer.
As goes our relationship with God, so goes our relationships with one another, with our spouses, with our children, and with our grandchildren. Your marriage is a reflection of your relationship with God. If your marriage is a mess, it is because your relationship with God is a mess. And the solution is heartfelt repentance, coming clean before God, and guarding ourselves against sin.
Malachi 2:10-16 (NIV) says, “Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob— even though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty. Another thing you do:You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, 'Why?' It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one?Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel, 'and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."
Moving toward happily ever after.
So what about moving toward happily ever after? In Ephesians 5:21-33 it’s obvious that Jesus Christ is the key to a great, lasting marriage.As a couple, if you can both identify your need for Jesus Christ, if you are both willing to respect God and submit to the lordship of Jesus Christ, if you are both willing to pattern your marriage after God’s love for Israel and Christ’s love for the Church, there is hope.
It doesn’t matter whether you were the perfect couple, came from the perfect family, had the perfect wedding or had the perfect wedding officiator. If you accept God’s perfect sacrifice, you will be made perfect in God’s sight. That’s God’s promise!
Let me just wrap up by reading Ephesians 5:21-33. We are the church, the bride that Christ loves and makes beautiful. But we are also to become like Christ in the way we love our wives and in the way we respect our husbands. Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV) says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."