One of the biggest problems in our lives could be summed up in these two short words- reactive living. If you look up the word "react" in the Encarta Dictionary it tells us that to react is to, "change chemically or to undergo a chemical reaction!"
When I was in grade school my parents bought me a chemistry set. It came with all these little bottles of chemicals, glass test tubes and pipes, and a booklet of experiments. If you want to make life interesting give your kids a chemistry set. I was quite the mad scientist, sitting back there in my bedroom, heating up test tubes, and mixing chemicals. I learned that some chemicals can be mixed and it’s no big deal. But if you mix other chemicals they spontaneously react against one another. When mixed together, certain kinds of chemicals can even trigger an explosion. But don’t worry, I still have all my fingers. They're extra crispy and well-done, but they still work.
Some relationships are perfect and some are reactive.
People are a lot like chemicals. Relationships are a lot like practicing chemistry. When mixed together, some people have nearly perfect chemistry. They co-exist peacefully. But mix those same people up with another group of people, or heat them up in a test tube, and K-WHAM! You’re likely to set off a chain of violent reactions!
We human beings can be quite reactive in nature. The Encarta Dictionary tells us that to react is, "to respond to something by showing the feelings or thoughts it arouses" "To respond to something by taking action." And that’s exactly what we do with other people. We react without first sorting through our feelings and emotions. We react without first untangling our thoughts. We react without first weighing which actions would be most honoring to God in a particular circumstance. It’s a real problem.
It’s what got the Seinfeld star who played Kramer into deep trouble. He was at a night-club doing a comedy routine when a few men began heckling him. He reacted, spewing racial slurs. Who knows, he may never undo the damage he caused in that one quick moment when he simply reacted.
How do we move beyond reactive living?
But what if we could move beyond reactive living, once and for all? What if Christ governed our feelings and emotions? What if Christ ruled the way we think about others, the things we say, and the actions we take? What if, instead of reacting, we could learn how to respond redemptively?
The scriptures and principles I am about to share with you are immensely practical. They will enhance your marriage. They will greatly improve your parenting skills. They will make you become an asset in your workplace. They will improve your effectiveness when managing others. These principles will help you students as well. In fact, I’ll say this to all the young people in this room. All adults secretly wish they could turn back the clock and do things differently in light of what they now know. I wish someone would have taught me these principles at a young age and held me accountable for practicing them. These principles found in the book of James will make you a success in the eyes of God and in the eyes of men.
There is practical advice found in the book of James.
Before we go further, I want to underscore an additional point. There isn’t a single person or situation that these principles don’t apply to. They apply to everyone. So let’s turn in our Bibles to James 1:19-21 (NIV). Not a single word is wasted in these verses. "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you."
As you’ll notice in your outline, anywhere there are people existing together,sharp differences and conflicts are bound to arise. Conflicts happen at home, at school, at work, and they even happen at church. There are times when the pastoral staff develop differences between them. For example, Jay is an unrepentant Redskins fan. His license plate even says Redskins, which is not a hard plate to get in central Illinois. I’m a Bears fan. Last week after church Sally Greenfield came up and said, "Go Colts!" That is completely unacceptable behavior for a staff person. Nic, well I’m not even sure that he knows what football is! And Brad, Brad’s alright because he’s a Bears fan. We have an alliance together.
But seriously, there are times when the chemistry on the staff goes combustible. A disagreement arises. Someone offends another with a stray comment. Someone doesn’t follow through in a way another person expected him to. There are a dozen different scenarios. If we're not careful, and even when we are careful, a minor infraction can mushroom into something major. We have a covenant, a written employee policy, to resolve differences. It says that disagreements must be addressed immediately.
But no relationship, no matter how holy, is exempt from conflict. In the New Testament the apostle Paul and the apostle Peter, two of the most prominent Christian leaders of all time, were deeply divided several times. Yet they repeatedly overcame their differences. Relationships are like gardens. You have to pull weeds every single day lest the bad plants overtake the good ones. And so here are some gardening tips from James.
First, when a conflict arises, quickly pursue understanding.
James says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen…" Conflicts escalate because of lack of information. Our first impulse is to react, and to not listen. Our first impulse is to rush to judgment, or to lash back, instead of getting the proper facts. Here, James is telling us to develop a new impulse—an impulse for listening.
James learned this from Jesus. In Matthew 5:23-26 (NIV) Jesus says, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First (as a matter of priority) go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The more time we allow to lapse after an offense, the harder it becomes to reconcile. Let’s be honest. Our impulse is to retreat, to go off and lick our wounds, to internalize what just happened, to build an alliance, to draw battle lines, and to judge the other party. Sometimes we use prayer or worship to cover our cowardice. "I’m just going to pray over this." Prayer is a wonderful thing to do, but the word of God says to be quick to listen, leave your gift in front of the altar, as a matter of priority go to your brother, and face your fears.
The only practical way I know to pursue understanding is to ask lots of questions. Why are you angry? How do you feel about this? Have I done something to offend you? It seems like something isn’t right between us. What did you mean the other day when you said…? I just noticed you were rolling your eyes. How should I interpret your actions? Tell me why you keep looking at me that way. I sense that you are avoiding me. Would you like one knuckle sandwich or two? No, don’t ask that last question. I'm just kidding!
The best person with whom to resolve a difference is the person you have the difference with! Don’t talk to their mother, their father, their friends, their acquaintances, or their former friends. Go to the person directly and immediately and pursue understanding. Write down five to six good questions for that person you have differences with, go to that person and listen to him!
Second, when a conflict arises, avoid becoming defensive and arguing your viewpoint.
James says we should be, "slow to speak…" When you’re talking you're not listening. When you’re talking you’re often justifying yourself before others. The ancient philosophers saw verbosity as a character flaw. In contrast, being slow to speak was a mark of character and modesty. The person who was slow to speak could prevent himself from making an error.
In the heat of the moment, how many times have you said something that you later regretted? You misquoted someone. You stretched the truth. You exaggerated. You mischaracterized someone’s actions. You lied to cover other lies or to momentarily bolster your credibility. In James 3:5-6 (NIV) James says, "… the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Many a conflict is escalated by a loose, uncontrolled tongue. Proverbs 14:29 (NIV) says, "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly."
Third, refuse to escalate a situation emotionally.
James says that we should be, "...slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." A lot of conflicts are escalated by our emotions. There's nothing like a fight to get the adrenaline flowing. Unfortunately, when we work ourselves up emotionally we are increasingly illogical and unreasonable. The emotion disables the mind. We stop thinking clearly. When angry emotions take over, it can be the beginning of the end!
Find ways to defuse emotions like anger. Stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop listening to the people around you who may be egging you on. Know what things trigger your anger. Did the person question your integrity? Did they judge you? Did they attack your spouse to get at you? Did they insult you?
Learn to put things in their proper context. Don’t give people free rent in your head. Don’t let another’s person’s lack of maturity bring out the worst in you. Again, ask questions. Don’t react. Make the aggressor explain their actions and bad attitude toward you.
Fourth, refuse to think evil and refuse to act sinfully toward the other party.
James next says, "Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent…" Nothing escalates a conflict like malicious thoughts and actions. Are you paying attention to the thoughts you are having about the other party? Are your thoughts holy? Do you want what’s best for them? Do you want them to grow? Do you pray for them? Do you believe in the possibility of their redemption? Or is your heart filled with darkness? Is your heart filled with bitterness, anger, and hate? Do you lay awake at night plotting ways to lash back and hurt them as they have hurt you? Do you think of ways to trip them up at work or school and make them look stupid? Have you developed a list of derogatory nicknames for them?
Are you paying attention to the thoughts you are having about that person? And just as importantly, are you paying attention to the actions you take toward this person? Actions can be very subtle. Actions like rolling your eyes, sighing, avoiding eye contact, turning away or avoiding, grinding your teeth, or scowling, can be subtle but damaging. Or actions can be very obvious. Shouting, yelling, name-calling, pushing, shoving, slamming doors, breaking things, and excluding a person are obvious actions.
Sinful thoughts and actions never lead to reconciliation. Violence only escalates conflict. This is why the Bible says in Romans 12:20-21 (NIV), "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Fifth, humbly embrace God’s word in every situation.
James says, "…and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." James 1:18 (NIV) tells us that God gives us birth, "...through the word of truth." Hebrews 4:12-13 (NIV), "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV) says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
All the wisdom and guidance we need to get our lives and relationships back on track can be found right here in the scriptures. James says, "be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry, get rid of the all the moral filth and evil, humbly accept the word." You don’t get any more practical and relevant than that.
Successful living comes down to this fact. Will you humbly accept the word of God? Will you let the word of God transform your life from the inside-out, so that you move beyond reactive living? Will you allow the word of God to shape all of life’s relationships, so you have the best chemistry possible with others? Will you allow the truth of God’s word to save you time and again and lead you into eternal life?