Gentleness

Why can't we talk it out?

Have you noticed how difficult it's becoming for us to talk and work things out? An issue of U.S. News and World Report asked the following questions.

What percentage of people think incivility is a serious problem? 89%.

What percentage think mean-spirited political campaigns are to blame for this incivility? 73%.

How many think rock music is to blame? 67%.

How many think talk radio is to blame? 52%.

What percentage think that their own behavior is uncivil? 1%! (See U.S. News and World Report (4/22/96). Leadership, "To Verify.")

Gentleness speaks of how we approach one another.

Isn't that crazy? Society is becoming more rude, disrespectful, and coarse. But it's not me, it's everyone else! Of all the fruits of the Spirit, gentleness speaks of how we approach one another. It speaks of the kind of interpersonal dynamics that are to govern all of life's relationships.

A brief survey of scripture reveals the nature and importance of gentleness. In 1 Thessalonians 2:7 (NIV) Paul describes himself as being gentle, "like a mother caring for her little children." This is why high schools are given crying, leaking plastic babies with microchips that record how many times it's been dropped, kicked, or neglected. If you can learn to be gentle with a doll, perhaps you can learn to be gentle with a real life that is precious to God.

In 1 Peter 3:1-4 (NIV) gentleness is used to describe the powerful influence a wife can have on her unbelieving husband. "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." Ladies, it's not your nagging, it's not angry words, it's not your sexuality, the style of your clothing, or the flash of your jewelry. It's your gentleness that matters.

But gentleness isn't one-way! In Colossians 3:19 (NIV) Paul instructs husbands, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." In Colossians 3:21 (NIV) he warns fathers, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Gentleness is a critical necessity in our marriages, in our homes, and in child-rearing.

Gentleness is critical for church leaders and for young men.

Gentleness is also a critical necessity for church leaders. In 1 Timothy 3:2-3 (NIV) Paul describes how an, "... overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money."

Gentleness should be of concern to young men. In 1 Timothy 5:1 (NIV) Paul tells Timothy as a young man not to, "rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father." In 1 Timothy 6:11 (NIV) he tells him to pursue, "... righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness."

When slaves were mistreated by harsh masters, they were taught to respond with respect. See 1 Peter 2:18. When someone does evil against you 1 Peter 3:9 instructs us not to, "repay evil for evil or insult with insult, but (to repay) with blessing." Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." When someone questions our faith 1 Peter 3:15-16 tells us to respond with, "gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience." And why? The final part of 1 Peter 3:16 (NIV) gives us the answer, "...so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."

If someone is caught in sin Galatians 6:1 (NIV) says, "you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Galatians 6:2 (NIV) says, "Carry each other's burdens..." We don't shoot our wounded. We don't vote the weak off the island. We restore them with gentleness and great care.

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

When hardships come and the future seems grim Philippians 4:5 (NIV) says, "Let your gentleness be evident to all."

So what exactly is gentleness? My favorite definition of gentleness is power under control. My brother is an engineer in a factory that utilizes powerful robotic arms. He was explaining how those arms are powerful enough to toss lift a truck off the ground or toss a person around like a rag doll. But the same machine is delicate enough to pick up an egg.

An even better example is to imagine the grandeur of God's power, how he created the universe. Romans 1:20 (NIV) says, "...God's invisible qualities-- his eternal power and divine nature-- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." With his outstretched hand, God created the sun, moon, and stars. He separated the land from the sea, moved mountains, and carved valleys.

But then think about this. He tenderly knit us together in our mother's womb. He painted the delicate wings of the butterfly.

God has the power to deal harshly with us. He can put on quite a show of power! But in his sovereign wisdom, he does not deal with us according to what our sin deserves. In 1 Kings 19:11-13 (NIV) God tells Elijah to go out and stand on a mountain in the presence of the Lord, "...for the Lord is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood..."

Christ came to us in humility and with gentleness.

God could crush us, but he speaks to us in a gentle whisper. Zechariah 9:9 (NIV) tells us with what manner Christ would come to reign over his kingdom. Christ had the power to come with horses and chariots, with legions of angels and with great violence, but here's what he did instead. "Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey." Christ came in humility

When Christ came, he could have condemned us. He could have beaten us down for our sin and shame. But no, he did something else instead. Matthew 12:20 (NIV) says, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out..." Have ever felt like a bruised reed? Have you ever felt like a smoldering wick, just barely hanging on, beaten down by life? Isaiah 40:11 (NIV) says, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

In Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) Jesus invites, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

When Paul makes his appeal in 2 Corinthians 10:1 (NIV) he does so on the basis of Christ's, "meekness and gentleness." In 1 Corinthians 4:20-21 (NIV) he says, "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. What do you prefer? Shall I come to with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?" When Christ came near, it was in love, and with a gentle spirit. It was with great power that was perfectly under control, doing not as we deserved, but perfectly providing what was needed.

In Psalm 18:35-36 (NIV) David marvels at the gentleness of God. "You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me; so that my ankles do not turn." The King James Version says, "Your gentleness has made me great."

Christians are not always known for our gentleness.

I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true. As Christians, we aren't always known for our gentleness. We can be harsh, legalistic, judgmental, vindictive, punitive, and impatient. Yet God asks us to clothe ourselves with his gentleness.

Ephesians 4:2-3 (NIV) says, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Colossians 3:12-17 (NIV) says, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Gentleness maximizes the redemptive potential of relationships.

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV) says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Gentleness maximizes the redemptive potential of relationships. You might get a short term gain by reacting harshly to other people, but you won't change that relationship, not for the better. And you certainly won't point people to God's gentleness!

In an article for Leadership Journal, Gordon MacDonald shares the story of a friend who was caught in the middle of a nasty church conflict that had spun out of control. When MacDonald asked his friend how the situation had been resolved, his friend told him that he had been confronted with a piercing piece of advice. "Someone has to show a little dignity in this thing. It really should start with you." MacDonald's friend took the wisdom to heart. Little did he know that he himself was about to be caught in the middle of an airport fiasco.

MacDonald was scheduled to fly from Boston's Logan Airport to Chicago, but the boarding pass attendant realized that he was scheduled to fly not out of Boston, but from Manchester, New Hampshire. MacDonald asked whether she could solve the problem for him. She could, but for an extra $360.

MacDonald was shocked. "I'm a hundred thousand mile customer on your airline. I give you guys a lot of my business. Can't you just get me on the flight for free as a courtesy?" But the boarding pass attendant said that her hands were tied. MacDonald would have to pay the $360.

The testy situation had reached its decisive moment. Though the problem was a result of MacDonald's incorrect booking, he felt "depreciated, blown off, and victimized by a big company that seemed to put a monetary value on every transaction." He described how, "the ungodly part of me wanted to say something sarcastic (about friendly skies, for example) that would hurt the other person as I felt hurt. Hurting her would help me to feel that I'd hurt the rest of the company-- all the way up to the CEO. Perhaps she'd call and tell him how I felt so that his day would be ruined like mine was about to be ruined."

But then he remembered the advice his friend had been given. "Someone has to show a little dignity in this thing. It really should start with you."

MacDonald swallowed his pride and applied the advice to the situation at hand. He writes about what happened next.

I said to the boarding pass lady, "Before I pay you the $360, let me say one more thing. Six weeks ago I came here to take a flight to the West Coast and discovered that the airline had cancelled the flight and hadn't told me. They said they were sorry, and I forgave them. Then two weeks later, on a flight to Europe, the airline lost my luggage for two days. They said they were really, really sorry. And, again, I forgave them. Last week, on a third flight, they got me to my destination two hours late. Your people fell all over themselves saying how sorry they were about the delays. And you know what? I forgave them again."

"Now here I am-- fourth time in six weeks-- wanting to fly with you again. See how forgiving I am? But this morning, the problem's mine. I forgot that I scheduled myself out of the other airport. And I am really, really sorry that I made this terrible mistake. You guys have said 'sorry' to me three times in the last six weeks, and, each time I have forgiven you. Now I would like to say 'sorry' to you and ask you to forgive me and put me on that flight without charging me the $360. You have three sorries, and now I'm asking for one. Does that make any sense to you?"

The boarding pass lady took her own time-out and considered my idea and then said, "It really does make sense to me. Let me see what I can do." She typed and typed and typed into her computer-- as if she was writing a novel-- and then looked up with a smile.

"We can do this," she said. Two minutes later I was off to the gate with my boarding pass. That morning, dignity won. The airline forgave me. The skies were indeed friendly. I didn't have to pay an extra $360.

More importantly, what could have become a hateful exchange or a vengeful act, became an opportunity to display God's gentleness and loving kindness. As we worship, would you consider what your life would be without the gentleness of God? Would you consider what your relationships might become with greater gentleness?

Condensed from Leadership Journal, © 2009 Christianity Today International, by Preaching Today. Gordon MacDonald, "Show a Little Dignity." LeadershipJournal.net (11-23-09)