Genesis provides the foundation for the Christian understanding of marriage.
This morning I want to skip the preliminaries and get right down to business. Our text this morning is Genesis 2:15-25. These verses are absolutely foundational to our Christian understanding of marriage. They are quoted throughout the Old and New Testament. The prophets quoted these scriptures. The apostle Paul quoted them. Jesus quoted them. These verses are about the marriage of Adam and Eve, and they reveal God's intention and design for every marriage.
So here is what we're going to do this morning. First, I want to introduce the eleven pillars of a godly marriage. These eleven pillars constitute God's design for all marriages. Whether you're dating, engaged, or married, you're going to want to write these down. These eleven pillars are expanded upon throughout the scriptures.
Second, for those of you who are single, dating, or engaged, I want to walk you through the three stages for building a godly marriage that will stand the test of time.
Finally, for those of you who are in troubled marriages, I want to walk you through the five phases for recovering a troubled marriage. So let's do this! Go ahead and turn to Genesis 2:15-25. If you are dating someone, are engaged, or are married, these eleven pillars are marriage makers! But be forewarned. These pillars can also be marriage busters. If even one of these pillars is neglected, it has the potential to unravel your relationship.
Pillar number one: Is he, and am I, demonstrating responsibility? Genesis 2:15
Genesis 2:15 (NIV) says, "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it." Before God brought Eve into Adam's life, he assigned Adam to work the garden and take care of it. I know it seems romantic to marry an irresponsible man who lives in his parents' basement and eats Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But it doesn't make for a very good marriage! Responsibility must come before marriage, just as the horse must come before the cart.
Here's what matters most. Does your spouse take the initiative to work or earn a living? Has he shown the ability to take care of anything or anyone? A house plant? A goldfish? Anything? Is he even able to take care of himself? You cannot build a life around an irresponsible person! You can try, but inevitably you will become his parent and he will become your child. There are a lot of single mothers out there carrying all the responsibility, raising a house full of children, and trying to raise their adolescent husbands. That's not a good situation to be in!
Pillar number two: Is he, and am I, pursuing the relationship in freedom? Genesis 2:16
Genesis 2:16-17 (NIV) says, "And the LORD God commanded the man, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.' "
When God created us, he created us to be free. We are just as free to pursue God as we are to walk away. If that's true in our relationship with God, it should be true in our relationship with one another. You cannot coerce love. You cannot pressure someone to love you. People say things like, "Marry me or else. Marry me because we've been living together. Marry me because we've slept together and because we've had a child together. Marry me or I'll never talk to you again. Marry me or I'll take everything. Marry me or I'll kill myself." True love honors freedom. It doesn't suffocate, manipulate, connive, and coerce. Coerced relationships are filled with lifelong resentment and regrets.
Pillar number three: Is he, and am I, embracing God's authority? Genesis 2:17
In Genesis 2:17 God set clear boundaries. Adam and Eve were free to eat from any tree in the garden except from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But what happened? Not only did Eve take the forbidden fruit, but she offered it to her husband, and they both die to the kind of life God intended for them. In marriage, your spouse exercises tremendous influence over you, for good or for evil.
If your partner is inclined toward evil, she'll entice you away from God. Your lives will be filled with trouble and pain. Consider what pain came into Adam and Eve's marriage when Eve took the forbidden fruit and enticed her husband with it! Even their children rebelled against God, and one child, Cain, murdered the other, Abel!
It's a gamble to marry someone who is not under God's authority. In 1 Corinthians 7:16 (NIV) Paul asks, "How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" Your partner will be the single greatest influence on you for the rest of your life. And your partner will be the single greatest influence in your children's lives too. This is why the Bible commands us not to become unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14.
Pillar number four: Is he, and am I, reflecting God's character? Genesis 2:17
Before marriage, young people overlook glaring character flaws in their partnera. But in marriage, character matters more than everything else! Her credit becomes his credit. Her family problems become his family problems. Her liabilities become his liabilities. Her name becomes his name. Her mistakes become his mess to clean up. His consequences become her consequences. His weaknesses, his flaws, and his vulnerabilities become her universe!
In marriage, character matters more than physical attractiveness, more than money, more than standard of living, and more than sex. Not only is character everything, but it's the very hardest, very last thing to change about someone!
Pillar number five: Is he, and am I, singularly focused on one another? Genesis 2:18-20
Genesis 2:18-20 (NIV) tells us, "The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.' Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found."
In Genesis 2:18 God provides a singular helper for Adam, not a harem. Adam and Eve only had each other. "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" make for great television, but in real life you cannot fully love two people. Inevitably, you'll begin to love one and hate the other. It's the same way in our relationship with God. You cannot love God with a divided heart. Men and women who commit adultery think that their double lives are hidden, but their spouses can detect a change almost immediately.
Pillar number six: Is he, and am I, sharing and integrating our lives? Genesis 2:18-20
The genius of marriage is that God created Adam and Eve for companionship. A marriage doesn't work when a husband and wife live separate lives, in isolation from one another. This is why one of the greatest casualties of war is marriage. For that reason, the Bible commands that a newly married man not to go off to war until he's been married for at least one year. For a marriage to flourish, husband and wife must be available to spend quality time and be in proximity to one another. Any kind of physical separation should only be temporary, and avoided at all costs.
Pillar number seven: Is he, and am I, serving one another in love? Genesis 2:18-20
God provided Eve to be Adam's helper. Before you snicker, keep in mind that in scripture, God describes himself as our helper! Jesus Christ came, "...not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." See Mark 10:45 (NIV). For a marriage to work, both husband and wife must learn how to serve one another in love. Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV) says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Pillar number eight: Is he, and am I, appreciating our uniqueness? Genesis 2:21-22
Genesis 2:21-22 (NIV) says, "So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."
The point of these verses is that man and woman are equal. Eve was fashioned out of Adam's rib. She is of the same essence as Adam. Her flesh came from his flesh. She is not inferior, subhuman, or a second class citizen. And yet Eve was different from Adam. She was unique. Their relationship was complementary. They each brought unique attributes, strengths, and characteristics into the marriage.
In marriage, it's easy to let gender differences divide us. This is why authors make millions selling books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. In a few weeks we're going to speak more on womanhood and manhood and what it means to embrace our uniqueness.
Pillar number nine: Is he, and am I, pursuing spiritual intimacy? Genesis 2:23-24
Genesis 2:23-24 (NIV) says that upon seeing Eve, "The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
On the surface, these verses don't appear to say anything about spiritual intimacy. But in the New Testament, Jesus quotes these verses in Mark 10:7-8 and Jesus says in Mark 10:9 (NIV), "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Malachi the prophet quotes these verses and warns Israel that God is acting as a witness between them and the wife of their youth. See Malachi 2:15. The apostle Paul quotes these verses and tells us that marriage is to be a reflection of Christ's love for the church. See Ephesians 5:22-33.
Passages like 1 Corinthians 7:5 remind us that spiritual intimacy must be a priority in marriage. Prayer, worship, devotions, Christian service, fasting, and Sabbath rest are spiritual disciplines. The best marriages are those where both husband and wife cultivate the spiritual disciplines together.
Pillar number ten: Is he, and am I, cultivating an exclusive relationship? Genesis 2:24
Genesis 2:24 speaks of husbands and wives leaving their parents and cleaving to one another. Marriage should be an exclusive relationship, autonomous, and free from interference. When a husband and wife come together, they must work hard to meet one another's emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. They must learn to communicate directly with one another, and handle problems proactively instead of triangulating through a biased third party like mom or dad. Family interference stirs up envy, rivalry, jealousy, and resentment.
And as children come into the picture, they must not be allowed to interfere with the marriage. It's not right, fair, or healthy to let your child meet the emotional needs your spouse should be meeting. So many parents develop an emotional codependency with their children that blurs the lines of what's healthy.
Pillar number eleven: Is he, and am I, living in authenticity and truth? Genesis 2:25
Genesis 2:25 (NIV) simply says, "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." After Adam and Eve sinned, they hid from God. They felt naked and ashamed. A red flag is when your husband or wife begins to hide from you. Her comings and going become mysterious. Her texting, twittering, schedule, phone calls, Facebook activity, and routine become secretive. Her speech becomes vague and elusive. He angrily resists accountability by saying things like, "Don't you trust me? Why are you asking? You don't need to know that. It's none of your business. I can't remember what I was doing yesterday. We're just friends, can't I have male friends?"
The steps for those who are single.
Phase number one: singlehood.
Now let's switch gears. If you are single, you need to give attention to the various phases related to forming a lifelong marriage. Phase number one is singlehood. When you are single, your job is to meet people and assess their capacity to embrace the eleven pillars. But more importantly, your job is to assess yourself, and prepare yourself to handle the emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial responsibilities of marriage.
Phase number two: dating and courtship.
Phase number two is dating and courtship. The purpose of dating is to assess your boyfriend or girlfriend's readiness for marriage. And it's important that you listen to godly parents and friends who will speak the truth to you. Is she responsible? Does she give me freedom and space? Does she honor God's boundaries for our relationship? Does she have Christ-like character? Is she faithful? Does she make time for me? Is she considerate and kind toward me? Does he appreciate my uniqueness and individuality? Can we grow together spiritually? Does he have a healthy relationship with his parents, with healthy boundaries? Is he truthful and transparent, or secretive?
Phase number three: engagement.
Phase number three is engagement. If the answer to all these eleven questions is yes, get engaged! If the answer is no, reconsider. Engagement then becomes a time to grow in these eleven pillars. It's a time of preparation and introspection and listening to the direction of the Holy Spirit. Better to break off an engagement than to follow through with a marriage built on the wrong foundation.
Recovery strategies are for those who are in troubled marriages.
Recovery strategy number one: marital renewal.
Now let me speak to those who are in troubled marriages. If you find yourself in a troubled marriage, consider four strategies for recovery. Recovery strategy number one is marital renewal. If you are having trouble in your marriage, identity one or two of the eleven pillars that you want to grow in. Read a few books on marriage. Attend a marriage retreat or seminar. Discuss your frustrations with one another. Be positive and encouraging to one another. The goal of this phase is to strengthen your relationship and guard it from external threats. But what if your spouse is uncooperative? Then you move on to recovery strategy number two.
Recovery strategy number two: pursue grace and truth.
Recovery strategy number two is pursuing grace and truth. The goal of this stage is to restore integrity in your marriage. The grace part is learning how to extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness. It is to learn how to let God heal the scars and pain of your troubled marriage. The truth part is learning how to hold your spouse accountable, in a spirit of humility, grace, and understanding. It is learning to leave vengeance to God, to not sin in your anger, and to maximize the possibility for redemption. It's a time for intensified prayer, fasting, and counseling. But what if your spouse hardens his/her heart and escalates sin? Then proceed to recovery phase number three.
Recovery phase number three: separation.
Recovery phase number three is separation. Sometimes it becomes necessary to physically separate from a wayward spouse. Read Genesis 3. Read Romans 1. These passages are about separation. The purpose of separation is to humble a person and let him experience the brokenness of his ways. If he is having an affair, separation forces him to deal with reality and take the blinders off. If he is becoming abusive, it forces him to respect you. In our relationship with God, he forces a choice between the tree of life or the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He doesn't let us partake of evil and have life! When we got expelled from the garden, it caused us to long for the life we lost, and then we were inspired to seek God. The goal of separation is to humble a wayward spouse and woo him back. But what if your spouse continues to go his own way? Proceed cautiously to recovery phase number four.
Recovery phase number four: divorce.
Recovery phase number four can be divorce. Sometimes it becomes imperative that you protect yourself and your children-- physically, emotionally, and even financially. God made a provision in the law for the victim to pursue divorce under certain circumstances, should it be necessary. But even in divorce, the goal should be reconciliation, if the wayward spouse comes to her senses.
But check it out. If you are in recovery phase number four, and your spouse repents, you don't go back to recovery phase number one! First you go backwards, to recovery phase number three. You maintain separation. You test her readiness to live according to the eleven pillars. And if she proves herself, you go to recovery phase number two and you learn to live in grace and truth, with real accountability and real forgiveness. And only after that can you step back into recovery phase number one and give her even greater trust.
Recovery phase number five: remarriage.
But what if divorce doesn't humble your spouse? In your future, there is the possibility of remarriage, but only after you have exhausted all four recovery phases and allowed many, many years to pass after phase number four. It's absolutely critical that you don't even begin to pursue a new relationship until you've exhausted every possibility for reconciliation. Remarriage signals the permanent end and failure of a marriage, and the total failure of reconciliation. Proceed cautiously.