According to various polls, attitudes about marriage are shifting radically.
There is increasing acceptance for marriage equality, open marriages, or non-marriage (cohabitation) so long as both parties are consenting adults.
There is increasing acceptance for divorce. There isn't the stigma attached to divorce, not like there was ten or twenty years ago. Divorce is extremely common, normal, typical, and even expected. It barely raises an eyebrow.
There is, however, growing intolerance for adultery. 91 percent of Americans have a deep disdain for adultery because of the enormous toll it inflicts emotionally, sexually, and financially on the unsuspecting party.
There is also a growing intolerance for traditional marriage.
The other day an elderly couple from Washington died in a car crash. The husband, Floyd Nordhagen, was 92 years old and his wife, Margaret Nordhagen, was 88 years old. When rescuers arrived on the scene, they found the couple, who had been married 68 years, holding hands. Floyd was always saying what a pretty wife he had. Fewer and fewer couples are choosing to make that kind of love work.
Now did you catch what I said? Fewer and fewer couples are choosing to make that kind of life-long love work for them. People these days are always hoping to find true love. But true love isn't something you find so much as it's something you choose-- moment by moment, day after day, week after week, and long into old age. When it comes to marriage, you reap what you choose. Those who choose what is good reap a harvest of righteousness, while those who choose what is evil reap unrighteousness.
This morning I want to talk about what it looks likes to choose the good, to choose God's very best, for your marriage. You know, not everyone earnestly wants nor seeks God's best for their marriage. Sometimes people knowingly sabotage their own marriages. Or worse, they sabotage their own marriages while sabotaging another couple's marriage! Though knowing what is good, they choose to do what is evil!
Sabotage can be quite subtle or it can be quite overt. But it is always sad. It's pathetic. It's outrageous. It's angering. But some people want their marriages to fail. And as their marriages crumble, they try to justify their own behavior while slandering, maligning, criticizing, and smearing their spouses. Instead of getting sucked into what is often a war of words, a war of innuendo, a war of he-said she-said, or a war of my-side or his-side, let's consider what God said, and let's consider God's side in all this.
God's True Wisdom
I want to unpack God's wisdom for healing and strengthening marriages. Our passage is 1 Peter 3:1-7. One of the first things my wife Lara noticed was that Peter wrote six of these verses to wives and only one verse to husbands! I know! Typical man, right? Who knows, perhaps it's because wives have the greater challenge. Far more women are spiritually engaged than are men. In Ephesians 8 it's a 3/8 ratio!
Let's begin with a general principle in this text. The principle is more actions, less words. You know, broadcasting your marriage problems with your family, with friends, with neighbors, with co-workers, with the whole church, or on Twitter and Facebook, won't bring healing into your marriage.
Have you noticed that the more you talk, the more justified you feel? The more you talk, the more the angry you become, and the more your spouse becomes the devil? And the more you talk, the more your talking partners agree with you and see it your way!
If your marriage is dissolving, I'm not discouraging you from talking to a small circle of trusted friends. What I'm saying is that healing doesn't begin until you begin acting differently toward your spouse. What Peter encourages in our text is action. Actions bring healing. And words? Peter says to be gentle and have a quiet spirit. Your spouse isn't won over by words, but by your conduct. They are won over by your actions. So let's begin with Peter's instruction to women.
Wives: Be Redemptive, not Reckless
1 Peter 3:1 (ESV) says, "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives." Now if I were a woman reading this verse, I would freak out. I would be especially upset if I were married to an unbeliever or to an ungodly man. But suppose we inserted a tiny phrase after Peter's command to be "subject" and the verse read, "Wives, be subject to (God's very best for your) husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word but by your conduct."
Submission means yielding to God's very best for a relationship. In Ephesians 6 Paul would say, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord." If a man is sinning against himself, against you, or against your children, you submit to God's will in that instant instead. But if a man is choosing good for himself, for you, or for your children, then you yield to him in that instant. In a relationship then, you are always yielding to what is good and righteous. And where any man deviates from God's will, there your submission to Christ trumps your submission to man. You obey God, not man.
Christ was a man, and he abided by this same principle. He was always subject to the will of his Father in heaven. That's the trump card. But Jesus could be subject to various men and authorities and even his parents at those times and in those ways where it was profitable for those he sought to redeem. When hurt, it's easy to become a wrecking ball or a bull in a china shop. Peter is suggesting that we step back and act according to the bigger picture, which is God's ultimate goal of man and society's redemption.
Wives: Be Respectful, not Disrespectful
1 Peter 3:2 (ESV) says, "...when they see your respectful and pure conduct."
The opposite of being respectful is being rude, showing contempt, and exhibiting hatred. Disrespect almost always comes in the form of words and attack. I cannot tell you how many times that I've sat down with a couple, with each one spewing utter hatred at the other, even screaming. If words were knives, I would have seen a lot of double homicides.
There is no healing in hatred. You don't have to agree to listen or to show respect or to be human when you are hating! Nor is your position weakened because you listen or show respect. Just the opposite. You're most heard and understood when you show respect. Let the truth simply be the truth, and let the facts simply be the facts.
Wives: Be Pure, not Impure
1 Peter 3:2 (ESV) says, "...when they see your respectful and pure conduct."
When something is pure, it is undefiled, unpolluted, uncontaminated, and unadulterated. But when something is impure, it's divided, mixed, and spoiled. When a relationship is going bad, it's easy to be entangled in a second, often adulterous relationship. Here, your spouse is the devil himself. But this other guy is so nice. He listens. He cares. He seems to have the qualities that your husband lacks.
You can't heal one relationship while ensnared in another. A lot of men are pretenders. They can pretend to be one thing, but become entirely different after they've ensnared you. They can be quite adept at amplifying the negatives of your spouse in order to lure you away. And soon you're on your second marriage, then your third, then your fourth. And your life is becoming infinitely more stressful and complicated. You're better off remaining pure, focused, and faithful to the healing of your marriage.
Wives: Be Rooted, not Superficial
1 Peter 3:3-5 (ESV) says, "Do not let your adorning be external-- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands..."
I don't think these verses need a lot of commentary. Beauty can help a marriage, but beauty doesn't make a marriage nor save a marriage. You can be pretty on the outside while self-destructing on the inside, right? A man can fall in love with your body, while showing utter contempt for you as a person, right? God sees the heart and the character of who you are on the inside. This is what sustains you when things are going bad.
Wives: Be Hopeful, not Desperate or Fearful
1 Peter 3:6 (ESV), "...as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."
I don't know what you think about Abraham. Try reading the story of Abraham, but put yourself in the shoes of Sarah! Remember when Abram, out of fear, offered Sarah up to the Egyptians as his sister? Remember when Sarah was barren, and out of fear, Abraham went and impregnated Hagar so he could have offspring? Remember how Sarah, instead of trusting God for a child, became abusive toward Hagar?
I cannot imagine anything more terrifying for a woman in Bible times than divorce-- especially for a woman who was barren or getting along in years. If Sarah left Abraham, what options did she have? Her impulse throughout Genesis was to turn to sin and try to appease Abraham, as a way to secure her future and livelihood. But what she eventually learned was to trust God with all her needs.
It's when we're desperate and fearful that we become the most sinful, superficial, reckless, disrespectful, impure, and damaging to others. Late in life, Sarah learned to trust and yield to God's very best, and that is what ultimately saved her marriage to Abraham. And Hagar? After Isaac was born, Abraham dumped her in the dessert and sent her away a single mother. But like Sarah, God provided for her too, as she learned to yield to God's best for her life and for her son. And Abraham? What a clown he was at first! But what an incredible man of faith he became, only later.
Alright men, here is your single verse! You do realize that whatever I say, my wife is going to hold over my head for not just the rest of this week, but the rest of my life!
1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
Men: Be Understanding, not Callous.
Live with your wives in an understanding way. Another phrase for understanding is showing empathy, or being considerate, appreciative, supportive, and aware.
I'm just going to get myself in trouble. Most men don't have a clue how much their wives deal with on a given day. And what's more, men and women deal with things in an entirely different way. Plus, men and women speak an entirely different language. Actually, I think my wife is multilingual! Meanwhile, I only speak barbarian or caveman.
No excuses. We have to live with our wives in an understanding way.
Men: Be Honoring, not Chauvinistic.
I don't know how many women will appreciate being called a, "...a weaker vessel..." But let's take Peter's metaphor at face value. Suppose a man and woman were seagoing vessels, or ships. The man might be a mighty powerful warship or freighter, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and the battering of waves and ice. Whatever kind of ship a man imagines himself to be, when he sees his wife in the harbor he should yield to her. He should honor her, defer to her, and dignify her. She should be the most precious, beautiful vessel in the harbor. You should never just barge ahead of her, leaving her in the turbulence of your chauvinistic wake. You shouldn't ride roughshod over her. Nor should you leave her behind while you sail the seven seas. The best way to honor a woman is to be with her, sail with her, enjoy her, and cherish her.
Men: Be Grace-sharing, not Arrogant.
Sometimes we men don't like to admit we're wrong. From time to time, Lara and I mix it up a little bit. We've always had a healthy dose of conflict! Not too much, but just enough to spice things up occasionally! Most of our conflicts happen because I lack empathy and understanding, or I'm a preoccupied jerk. Or perhaps I see something as being trivial, but she sees it as being catastrophic, not trusting my judgment!
A while back we mixed it up and afterward Lara asked, "Why don't you admit when you're wrong?" The unadorned truth is that I can be too proud to admit I'm wrong. But what I told her was true too. "When it's so blatantly obvious I'm in the wrong, I don't want to keep rubbing my nose in the truth. I just want to move forward and do better the next time. I don't want to keep dwelling on it."
The truth is that we're not above giving or receiving grace. Peter says we're heirs, together with our wives, in the grace of life. We don't need grace more or less than our wives. We need it as equally and fully as our wives.
Men: Be Prayerful, not Disengaged.
This is Peter's final point, a reminder for men not to let their prayers be hindered. There are a lot of things that can hinder a man's prayer life-- the chief of which is sin itself. A red flag for men is when we cannot bring ourselves to worship or pray unhindered, before our holy God. It's when we cannot bring ourselves to worship or pray, unhindered, with our own families, or our own wife. It's hard to pretend to be spiritual when you're empty on the inside. When men check out of worship and prayer, what follows is rarely pretty, and points to a much more severe situation. If you've been drifting, keep coming back to prayer and worship and the word. Lead your family.