Handling Disputes

Ignorance destroys many relationships within the Church.

In this church, people ask many questions. Personally, I'd rather someone ask a question than make an assumption. How many times have you made a wrong assumption about someone or something that was entirely false? Later on, you discovered the truth, but the damage was already done.

Ignorance destroys as many relationships in the Church as anything else. A mark of maturity is when we seek first to understand before making a judgment. Some of my best friends in this church are people who were offended by something I did, or something I said in a sermon, or something they thought I said, but who pulled me aside to say, "What? What did you mean by that?"

Questions can help us cultivate self-awareness, deepen our understanding, clarify our beliefs and values, reconcile our differences, and heal an offense. I teach a week-long class at Lincoln Christian University, at the Master's level, teaching pastors and Christian business people how to ask questions, seek understanding, and cultivate self-awareness. I teach those same principles to married couples, to parents and students, church leaders, and the ministry staff at Lakeside. It's infinitely less painful to ask questions than it is to make assumptions that destroy relationships.

Think how many broken relationships you have because you and/or the other person didn't seek understanding! Once in high school, I got fired after one day on a job. I was working in a factory. The supervisor called for a break, but I kept on working. Later on, however, I took my own break. I bought a Pepsi, kicked my feet up on my workstation, and thought nothing of it. The next morning I got the call to never come back. But I immediately went back to the workplace, found the owner, asked what I did wrong, apologized, and went on to work the whole summer.

We wouldn't have most of the books in the New Testament if the early believers hadn't asked questions. They asked questions about everything, and the gospel writers and the apostles painstakingly responded as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

Not all questions are good or beneficial.

But not all questions are good or beneficial. Questions can destroy a person's faith, create division, disrupt God's work, deplete the energy of leaders, and distract the Church from her mission. There can be such a fine line between a question that edifies and one that damages.

For example, consider 1 Timothy 1:1 (NIV) where Paul introduces himself as, "...an apostle of Christ Jesus by the command of God our Savior and of Christ Jesus our hope." In 1 Thessalonians 1:1 (NIV) Paul simply introduces himself as, "Paul." But to the Church at Ephesus it's this whole long thing, "Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God..." See Ephesians 1:1 (NIV).

The Church at Ephesus was questioning the apostle Paul's authority. Was it in their right to do so? You bet it was! People questioned Jesus' authority too. It's reasonable for people to ask, "Who are you? Where did you come from? What's your story? How were you called by God to preach?" In 1 Timothy Paul answers all these questions.

There were some people in the Church who were not asking sincere questions.

But not everyone asking this question was sincere. Some were insincere, impure, ungodly and sinful, unholy, irreligious, and untrustworthy. There is a spirit behind every question, a character, a history, a context, an attitude, an assumption, an agenda, or unmet needs. When it comes to church matters, the issue isn't always the real issue. The question isn't always the real question. It's imperative that we discern what is behind every question, whether it's our question or someone else's question.

In 1 Timothy 1:4 (NIV) Paul warns how some have devoted themselves to things that, "...promote controversies rather than God's work-- which is by faith." In 1 Timothy 3:2-3 (NIV) some of the requirements for becoming an elder include being, "...able to teach, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome..." In 1 Timothy 3:8-9 (NIV) it lists requirements for becoming a deacon which include being, "...men worthy of respect, sincere... and to keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience."

And Paul's concern for the conduct of women in 1 Timothy is the same. A godly person, and not just a godly woman, possesses a quiet, submissive spirit. As 1 Timothy 3:11 (NIV) says, they are, "...women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything." And what kind of women and men (See 1 Timothy 2:2) bring judgment on themselves? Those who get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house, gossips and busybodies, and those who go about saying things they ought not to.

It is obvious when a person is being destructive with their questions.

You can tell when a person is being destructive with their questions. If it's not one issue, it is another. If one person doesn't listen, they go to another. If no one is listening, they talk louder. If they feel their credibility is waning, they try even harder to impugn the motives of others. They go about being malicious and slanderous. They spread gossip and innuendo. They e-mail, twitter, text, facebook, call you, visit you, corner you, and triangulate you.

Look how Paul warns Timothy about such people in 1 Timothy 6:3-5 (NIV). "If anyone teaches false doctrines and does not agree to the sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching, he is conceited and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth..."

In 1 Timothy 5:1-16 they questioned which widows the church should help or not help. In 1 Timothy 5:17 they questioned whether elders should be paid for their ministry. In 1 Timothy 5:23 they questioned whether Timothy should drink wine for his ailing stomach.

It doesn't take much imagination to hear the innuendo behind their questions. "Why isn't the church taking care of every widow? Why are we paying men to be pastors instead of giving that to the poor? Why should we support a pastor who has to drink wine for any reason?" Can you hear the innuendo? Can you hear the presumption?

Paul used every question as an occasion for teaching the truth.

And what was Paul's response? In 1 Timothy 5:18 (NIV) he uses the authority of scripture to explain why men should be paid for the gospel. "For the Scripture says, 'Do not muzzle the ox while it is treading out the grain' and 'The worker deserves his wages.' " In 1 Timothy 5:19 (NIV) he says, "Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses." In 1 Timothy 5:24-25 (NIV) he says, "The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. In the same way, good deeds are obvious, and even those that are not cannot be hidden."

Didn't Abraham Lincoln say, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time?" Even if he didn't say it, it sounds like something he would say, so that's just as good, right?

Some of you know how suffocating it is to be on the receiving end of a hyper-critical, hyper-judgmental person. The facts don't matter. The truth doesn't matter. The word of God doesn't matter. Respect doesn't matter. You can't reason with them. They're never satisfied. They presume you're guilty, insincere, corrupt, and foisting a conspiracy.

Let me share two guidelines for asking questions in the Church. These are two guidelines for resolving disputes or church matters.

Honor God in everything you think, say, and do.

In 1 Timothy 1:17 (NIV)Paul says, "Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." Our highest duty is to glorify God in all we think, say, and do. So what does this mean in real life?

Make sure your thoughts are God's thoughts, your words are God's words, and your actions are God's actions. Is your heart pure? Are your beliefs and doctrine sound? Are they anchored in scripture? Do your opinions conform to the glorious gospel of our blessed God? Is your character godly? Is your demeanor peaceful and quiet? Is your faith sincere? Is your conscience good? Is it sensitive to the Holy Spirit? Are you lifting up requests, prayers, intercession, and thanksgiving for everyone, even for those in authority? Are you being fair, impartial, and as just as God?

We are accountable for every thought, every word, and every deed. Before you go about destroying the Church with your questions, you'd better make sure you are on the side of truth. In 1 Timothy 6:20 (NIV) Paul tells Timothy, "Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge."

Love others in everything you think, say, and do.

When you love someone, you do what builds her up. It is imperative in the Church that we relate to one another with the grace, mercy, and peace that comes from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. See 1 Timothy 1:2. There isn't a single issue in the Church that shouldn't be approached in love.

In 1 Timothy 1:3 when Paul commands Timothy to stay in Ephesus and command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer, nor to devote themselves to issues that promote controversies rather than God's work, what is the goal? Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:5 (NIV), "The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."

Ask yourself, "What is my goal?" The first and most important issue that outweighs all other issues, is love. In 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NIV) Paul says, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

They way we approach each other is as important as the issue itself. Let's learn to honor God, and to truly love people.

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time-- God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. To him be honor and might forever. Amen." 1 Timothy 6:11-16 (NIV)