The Bible has many teachings about relationships.
According to Google, the term "submission" is one of most searched terms driving traffic to our church website. People also search for phrases like "Jesus," "dealing with difficult people," and "I want to kill my husband." People are curious about what the Bible teaches about relationships. I wonder why that is? Do you know?
Our culture says that you'll be miserable following biblical guidelines in your relationships. Yet our culture's prescription for relationships hasn't exactly produced happiness. Nor has it produced enduring families, emotionally healthy children, or a moral society. In fact, the harder our culture drives its prescription for "love" and "relationships" down our throats, the scarier and more fragmented and more broken and more violent our society becomes! People are being driven to the brink.
I saw yesterday how the CDC estimates that one fifth of our children have some form of mental illness. When you think of mental illness as an inability to cope with the pressures of life, that statistic begins to make sense. Maybe you've come this morning because someone is driving you crazy-- literally. Maybe you feel stressed out, overwhelmed, defeated, discouraged, frustrated, angry, or even a bit volatile. It's going to be okay. Take a deep breath! Let the Bible be your guide.
Over the next few weeks, we're going to examine some biblical principles for relationships. This morning we're going to focus on the ladies. Next Sunday I've invited Steve Helm to speak to our men.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
In Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) we find this overarching advice for all relationships. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." This verse is all-inclusive. Paul is giving his best advice to all of us, male and female, young and old, single and married. What irritates people about this verse is the word "submit", as in "submit to one another." Maybe your stomach is already starting to churn. Maybe you're saying, "Come on! This is the 21st Century. This is America-- home of the brave, the land of the free!"
I admit that submission sounds rather oppressive. It has overtones of subjugation, slavery, and suppression. But stop kidding yourselves. Every single one of us is submissive to someone or something. And we're not always submissive for the same reasons. For centuries, psychologists have observed that wherever two or more creatures meet, there is submission. In every dog pack, an alpha dog emerges. On every sports team, on every boat, in every nail salon, in every classroom, and in every lobster tank, one creature inevitably assumes the alpha posture, while the others assume the submissive posture.
In one form or another, we submit every day to something or someone.
Let's not over-spiritualize an everyday reality. We submit all the time. Sometimes we submit to others out of fear, intimidation, threat, or punishment. To the degree that someone can make our lives miserable, we are likely to submit to their demands. Better not to exercise your freedom of speech than to risk getting audited. Better to say yes than suffer your husband or boyfriend's wrath.
But we also submit to fulfill a need or desire. We submit if a person grants us safety, food, water, shelter, job security, their time or attention, peace and quiet, or rest. Think how often you as a parent submit to your children. They want something. You don't want to give in. They become inconsolable. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion and to restore peace, you give in. You submit!
You submit all day long, every day! You submit to your employer to gain health benefits. You submit to gain social rank, self-esteem, praise, and approval. You submit for physical pleasure and yes, even sexual pleasure. You will compromise your character and submit to something you know is bad for you in the end game. But if it makes you happy right now, then you submit!
The first part of this verse is, "Submit to one another..." To submit is to yield. It is to give another person influence over your life. Submission can be a really good thing. For example, when your house is burning to the ground and the fireman grabs you, he's going to save your life! You're going to want to submit to him!
To whom are you going to submit?
But submission can be a really bad thing. For example, when a man is pressuring you to give up your chastity, to give up your faith, to move in together, and to do something you're not comfortable doing, submission is bad. When he wants you to violate your conscience, to take unnecessary risks with your health, your job, your future, and your kids, you can lose everything!
Recently I was talking to a good friend who is a mother, and I asked her, "What lessons do you teach your daughters?" She used the analogy of gold coins. As a woman, you've been entrusted with these gold coins. Your time is a gold coin. Your attention is a gold coin. Your financial security is a gold coin. Your future, your energy, your privacy, your chastity, your purity, and your sexuality are all gold coins. How foolish and reckless to throw all your gold coins on just any guy!
But what do you do with your gold coins? You hide them. Where do you hide them? You hide them in Christ. See Colossians 3:3-4. You do this so that if any man ever comes looking to take your gold coins, the only way he'll ever find them is if he's seeking Christ first, with all his heart! And if he's seeking Christ with all his heart, then he is just the kind of man to whom you might consider giving your life in marriage.
The issue isn't whether you are going to submit to someone or not. The issue is the kind of person you are going to yield your life to. Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) tells us that the kind of people we all ought to submit to are those people who are fully seeking and who are fully yielded to the Lord. In this verse Paul says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Submit to the extent that going along with a person or thing glories the character and beauty of your Lord.
So, suppose one of your gold coins is your time, attention, and affection. Along comes this guy who is behaving like a total jerk, disrespecting you, sexually harassing you, and pushing the boundaries. Here's how it works. Withhold your coins. Don't smile. Don't make eye contact. Don't look in his direction. Don't get into his car. Now inevitably, he will up his game. He will try harder than ever to capture your attention. So long as he is behaving like a juvenile, you ignore him. But when he realizes what a fool he is being, and he begins seeking the Lord whom you love, only then do you give him a little time, a little affection, and a little attention. But don't give the whole farm away! Show him that as he pleases your Lord, only then are you pleased.
Submit to someone only to the extent that he is seeking the Lord.
Here is how Paul applies this principle specifically to women. In Ephesians 5:22 (NIV) he says, "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord." In other words, submit, yield those coins, but only to the extent that a man is seeking the Lord. If you are a woman, the only person you owe absolute submission to is your Lord. But to the extent that a man, and in particular your husband, wants to please your Lord, then yes. Yes, you can follow, submit, and yield. But never throw your coins away on Christ-less man.
The apostle Paul invited us to follow his example as he followed Christ. Now that's a godly man. That's just the kind of man you want to marry. Paul is saying, "You follow. You submit. You yield. But only to the extent that I am following our Lord."
Submission is an investment.
The best way to think of submission is as an investment. Whatever or whoever you submit to is what you are investing in. Whatever you submit to, you get a full return on, with compounding interest. You reap what you submit to. If you submit to the Lord, you will enjoy some pretty good relationships. But if you submit to people indiscriminately, whether they're in the Lord or not, it's not going to go well for you.
I want to end with a few summary thoughts. First, submission is conditional. We never submit unconditionally to men, at the expense of pleasing God. In Acts 5:29 (NIV) Peter and the apostles defy the threats of the high priest by saying, "We must obey God rather than men!" That is the red line in relationships.
Second, submission is powerful. It's the singular most powerful way to reinforce the best and worst in any relationship. Submission is the most powerful way to change the trajectory of a relationship. When you submit to good, goodness grows. When you submit to evil, evil grows.
Third, it's never too late to choose submission. Suppose you have always given in to a man, or to a situation. It's been one compromise after another. Submission is just as powerful later in marriage as it is before marriage. 1 Peter 3:1-6 illustrates how an ungodly man can be won over through the principle of submission. This happens as a woman chooses modesty, gentleness, a quiet spirit, and respectful behavior. When a woman cultivates inward holiness instead of only external beauty, trusts in God to provide her needs instead of being held hostage to her husband's demands or to the fear of rejection, a man can be won over to Christ.
Fourth, give space for submission. Don't give up on the dream of the Ephesians 5:25-31 man. Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) says, "... the wife must respect her husband." When angry, it's hard to give a guy a second chance. It seems easiest to walk away, start over, and remarry. What we're saying is, have patience, trust God, be strong in the Lord, be a disciplined investor, and seek counsel.