To love a woman, a man must love like Christ loved.
I have come to the conclusion that Jon asked me to teach using the classic training device. If you want someone to learn something, make him teach it! The reason I say this is because of the response I received from various members of my family upon sharing with them that I was to preach on this topic. I think it was after the fourth one giggled that I realized I must be preaching at myself today. So, I invite you along for the ride.
Now, if you are a young man, you may be questioning how a sermon on husbands loving their wives applies to you. As I have shared with my son, the core issue we are addressing here is what biblical love is and what is the focus of such love. If you are like me, you will find that women are not easy to understand. They are wonderful, beautiful, complex human beings who often confuse, confound, and frustrate us. Fortunately, their creator left us an instruction manual! But, as a man, I have an aversion to instruction manuals. C'mon, who needs directions? Oh, the countless hours and money I have wasted by not reading instruction manuals! Loving a woman is too important and too painful to learn strictly by trial and error. Let's consult the instruction manual together.
Here are a few facts that may surprise you about love.
- You don't fall into or out of love biblically. In fact, biblical love is very intentional and purposeful, and anything else is not true love.
- Feelings come and go, but true love does not leave. A relationship based on emotions will never last.
- No, there is not a soul mate out there for which you will never stop feeling a state of euphoric love.
True love is hard work and requires manly men. If, as I share, you feel like I am being harsh or asking the impossible, I probably am. God's word is like that, and I, like you, am subject to it. Being a real man of God is foreign to our world, and it is definitely not for the faint of heart. Men, let's look at what God has to say about love in Ephesians 5:25-33.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and care for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:25-33 (NIV)
Throughout this text, the relationship between a husband and wife is shown as analogous to the relationship between Christ and his Church. The love which Christ displayed appears to be a humanly impossible and improbable love. Yet, a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.
Within this text, we see four key points regarding Christ's love which we are to model.
- Christ's love is self-giving, not self-serving.
- Christ's love is action-oriented, not feelings-oriented.
- Christ's love is transforming, not stagnating.
- Christ's love is uniting, not dividing.
Christ's love is self-giving, not self-serving.
Now, as we read the text, some of you may have just leaned over to your wife or girlfriend and whispered, "Baby, you know I would die for you. I love you." Here's the question. What if she was unlovable? Most of us may make such a vow or confess such a love because we have a wonderful lady's love in return. But, therein lies the problem. The Bible's response to this attitude is in Luke 6:32 (NIV). "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them." Jesus's love is different. His love is completely self-giving. In Christ's case, we who became the Church did not initially confess our love to him. In fact, the Bible is very clear that we were unlovable, did not care to return his love, and were happy to help him die. Remember, Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. We were not friends, but enemies of God.
Romans 5:6-10 (NIV) states, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"
Christ's love loves the unlovable, even the evil, the violent, and the willful and murderous sinner. Since we have experienced such a self-giving love, how can we not love in the same manner? Christ commands us in Luke 6:35 (NIV), "But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked."
As we are beginning to see, love, as defined by God, is contrary to our world. Rather than self-serving, Christ's love is completely self-giving to a point that seems impossible. Understanding God's love is crucial to our understanding of salvation and God. Without knowledge of what true biblical love is, we will have difficulty demonstrating that love to our wives.
Christ's love is action-oriented, not feelings-oriented.
Love, biblically, is expressed through action. It is intentional and purposeful and not based upon how we feel about the object to which that love is demonstrated. The example we are given is Christ dying for us. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."
Christ's love was action-oriented. Again, let's highlight two key points.
- The objective of Christ's love did not demonstrate love to him and was unlovable.
- Christ demonstrated his love. This was not a feeling. As 1 John 3:18 (NIV) states, "...let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth."
Men, we are to love our wives whether or not they are loveable. We are to do it whether or not we feel like it. We are to do it even if it costs us everything.
Is this impossible? Apart from God, yes, it is impossible! This type of love is not of this world. It requires real men, relying on a real God, empowered by a real spirit, fighting a real battle against this world and our own flesh. To win, we must be willing to actively demonstrate this love by giving up every preference to self.
Now, a few of us men may be saying, "I like that lack of feelings part. I can do that." We are like the old farmer who was dragged to marriage counseling by his wife. She went on and on throughout the session complaining about his failure to be romantic in any way. Toward the end of the session, when asked for his response, he simply stated, "I told her I loved her on our wedding day, and if I change my mind I'll let her know.".
Well, the Bible has a way of getting us at every turn. In 1 Peter 3:7 we are commanded to honor our wives and to live with her in an understanding way. This means we are to be students of our wives and live with her and love her in a manner consistent with that understanding. Therefore, if she needs to hear that she is loved, we need to speak the words.
We must remember that love is action-oriented. It's not enough to be a student of our wives. Do we express that love in a manner consistent with that knowledge?
Christ's love is transforming, not stagnating.
Ephesians states that Christ died for the Church. Why did he do that? "...to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless."
Christ loved us for our own good. His love was focused on sanctifying us, cleansing us, and transforming us so that we would be holy and blameless. He did what he did because of us and for us.
Men, is your wife's holiness the focus of your love to her? What about you guys who are not married, but dating? Would God say that the woman in your life is living a more godly life as a result of her relationship with you? Do we lead our wives in holiness, or in sin?
Let me sum it up this way. Are we dying to self and leading the women in our lives in holiness, or are we seeking to satisfy our sinful desires, whether lust or whatever, and leading them to sin?
This is extremely important to God. Not loving our wives as Christ loved the Church can have dire consequences.
- God holds us accountable for our homes. He has established himself as the responsible head of our households
- Failure to strive towards what God calls us to can be an indication as to whether or not we are truly believers.
- If we are believers, I Peter 3:7 states that our prayers can be hindered during times of failing to love correctly.
The end game is her holiness. Sometimes this may mean we must struggle with doing what is best for her, despite the fact that our lives may, at times, be miserable because she doesn't agree. We may be tempted to please her and relieve the tension rather than do what is right in God's eyes.
Ladies, you can greatly assist your husband as he loves you, by pursuing holiness and by not being contentious.
However, men, we are not allowed to make our wife's behavior an excuse. In addition, we are to honor our wives and not present them in a bad light, even when their behaviors may be hindering our efforts.
This kind of love can transform even the most difficult heart. It may take many years, but Christ's love, when demonstrated, is powerful. Look! It changed your heart, didn't it?
Christ's love is uniting, not dividing.
The result of this kind of love is oneness. Christ's love for us resulted in believers becoming part of his body, the Church. In a similar manner, when a man and woman decide to love each other and become husband and wife, they are one.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
Therefore, when you love your wife, you are actually loving yourself.
"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and care for it, just as Christ does the church..."
It might be helpful to think of this from both directions. First, we should love her as much as we would love ourselves. Second, loving her in this manner is actually loving ourselves, and will pay dividends.
It very similar to the paradox Christ presents when he says the person who wants to save his life must lose his life. If you want to get all the benefits of a great marriage, you have to give everything and expect nothing in return. Marriage is not a 50/50 deal, as that implies two parties. Biblically, you are one. Therefore, you need to love with all you have and leave the rest to God.
The love of a godly man for his wife is like Christ's love.
In summary, the love of a godly man for his wife is like Christ's love. Christ's love is self-giving... action-oriented... transforming... uniting. Demonstrating such a love requires a strong man who is dependent on the power of the Spirit. It may seem impossible to love like this, but with God, nothing is impossible.
Let's pray.