Something I've asked students through the years is to describe the place of warmth in their families growing up. So let me ask you. How would you answer? What was the place of warmth for you growing up? Where did you feel most loved?
Some students share glowing accounts of feeling loved, safe, encouraged, cherished by their mom and dad... They reminisce about family vacations, laughter at the dinner table, and prayers before bedtime.
But most students do not share such warm sentiments. They describe feeling angry, afraid, ashamed,... exasperated. They recall toxic emotions, separation and divorce, alcoholism and addiction, abuse, abandonment. Some even sought refuge outside their home--at grandma or grandpas, at a neighbor's house, youth group, a school activity, or with a boyfriend/girlfriend.
These students believe their stories would be so much better if only they had a better home life. So what about you? How might your story have been better if only your home had been filled with more laughter, encouragement, and prayer?
We can't change what happened--our family is our family. But one thing God can do is redeem our painful past, and redeem our homes so we can live a better story going forward. One of the signs of the coming Kingdom of God was the hearts of fathers turning back to their children, and children back to their fathers. It was enabling husbands to honor their wives, and keep their marriage bed pure, while fulfilling the high and noble call of fatherhood.
Over the past few weeks we've essentially been talking about fidelity to Christ Jesus--Knowing the hope held out in the gospel, trusting in Jesus Christ, surrendering to Jesus as Lord, inviting the Spirit of the Living God to crush our Spirit of rebellion so (as Daniel preached last week) we can live a holy/godly life. What if the story of your family had been one of fidelity to Jesus, fidelity to God's purpose, God's Holy Spirit?
These next few weeks we flip the coin over and talk about fidelity to one-another in relationships. Fidelity means faithfulness, commitment, determination. It means possessing a fierceness about living a better story so everyone in our marriages and homes can live their best story. How might your story change if every member of your family began investing as much energy fortifying your family as they've spent tearing it apart? How would society change if fidelity were commonplace again?
I've yet to meet a person who doesn't agree that fidelity is the better story (fidelity to God and others) and that infidelity is always the less desirable, more tragic story... We have the story of our lives to prove it. With this in mind, let me share some thoughts about what fidelity might look like as it relates to your home.
First, fidelity is an invitation to share grace. This is the starting point.
If we're going to live a better story we have to fight hard for grace. Call it grace, call it mercy or forgiveness, call it tolerance and respect, love, call it whatever you want. For fidelity to occur we have to resolve whether our circle will be open or closed. Will I share grace with this person? Not "can I" but "will I?" If our heart is willing, God will make our body able. But our first order of business is to say yes to sharing grace. Grace opens the door for us to live a better story in our marriages and families.
By the way, I'm not talking about the other person sharing grace--I'm talking about you sharing grace. I've poured over my Bible and I've not found a single verse telling us to demand the grace of others. Grace has already started with God, but it has to start with us before we can expect it to start with our spouse, or child. This is why the Bible says, "love as Christ loved you" "forgive as you've been forgiven" "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." Pray for your enemies. God's kindness leads people to repentance. We reap what we sow. Share grace, reap grace.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 captures of essence of sharing grace: "Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
In every rotten marriage, the husband and wife always maintain a list of wrongs. When a couple calls for marriage counseling, you always get the list. Some people's lists are quite long! 50, 60, 100 items! Oh how we love to collect, document, and rehearse all the injustices we've suffered. But the more we rehearse our stories of injustice, the more we believe our stories, and the more the legend grows in our mind, and the bigger the devil our enemy becomes.
Love doesn't keep such a record of wrongs. What that "list of wrongs" really is--is a list of justifications, it's your best case for not sharing grace. People have some of the most ridiculous excuses for not sharing grace! {she turns lights on; he flattens toothpaste tube}. If your intention is to reconcile, you have to throw out your case.
I don't know about you, but I am pretty glad that while I was still sinner, in Jesus, God threw out his long case against me and chose to shower me with his mercy, kindness, and grace. Our list doesn't give indication about the wrongs of our enemy so much as it indicates we might still be in our sins, not knowing the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. In Matthew 6, Jesus warned that if we will not forgive, our heavenly father will not forgive us. There can never be a relationship until we adopt a fierce resolve to share grace. And we cannot share grace until we throw out the case we've made against sharing grace. When it comes to fortifying our families, sharing grace is a necessary starting point. Sharing grace is saying yes to one another, that there is hope.
Second, fidelity is an invitation to share truth
If you're going to live a better story you have to fight hard for truth. So, we all know the truth. The truth is obvious! It's whatever I believe! Well, not quite. In leadership circles, there is this theory developed by a guy named Chris Argyris, known as the "ladder of inference." It reveals how when our heart is bad--when we refuse to share grace--our eyes, everything we see and inexperience, are filled with darkness!
So we all begin at the first rung of the ladder. You observe some event. Your husband comes home from work and makes a comment.
You select or fixate on some detail about your husband's behavior. You catch him yawning, and notice him glancing in the direction of the television.
You add meaning, you interpret his behavior. You tell yourself, "He's more interested in watching the television than talking to me!"
You formulate an assumption. "He doesn't care what I have to say."
You then reach a conclusion. "My husband must not love me anymore."
You then formulate a belief. "All men are ungrateful, selfish pigs. Never trust a man again. Girls rule boys drool."
You then act upon your beliefs. "Well, I'll show him!"
The problem is these steps happen instantaneously, and form a vicious, seemingly irrational, self-reinforcing cycle! So the solution is two-fold. First, you have to check your heart. Are you willing to share grace? If your heart is evil, you'll always see the other person in the worst possible light, selecting their worst moments, spinning it in the worst possible way, demonizing them. So check your heart!
Second, you have to walk in the truth.
(A) One way to walk in the truth is to pray. It's amazing what God shows you when you get on your knees and actually pray for someone. This is why the Jesus tells us to pray for your enemies.
(B) Another way to walk in the truth is reading God's Word. The word gives us God's perspective on reality. The light of God's word judges and exposes everything.
(C) Another way to walk in the truth is confront. The word confront has a negative connotation, but it literally means "with your face." Face your enemy. Go to them. Sit down with them across the table. Explain what you observed, selected, interpreted, assumed, concluded, believed, acted upon. Walk them through your ladder of inference. Or have them walk you through their ladder of inference!
(D) Another way to walk in truth is find a peacemaker. A peacemaker is a person who serves as a witness. They listen to both sides neutrally. Their impartial. They ask clarifying questions, and foster understanding. It can be a mutual friend, counselor, pastor, or just about anyone.
(E) Finally, walking in the truth requires submission. You have to decide if your more vested in the truth, or being right, being angry, being proud/obstinate. When a person refuses to submit to the truth, there is little hope for reconciliation. The heart wants what the heart wants. Some people are just graceless and truthless. They duck, dodge, avoid, malign, gossip, slander, threaten. Its sad.
Third, fidelity is messy, risky, and costly
Fidelity is messy because the truth often lays somewhere in the middle. If you want to know who is right in a relationship, the answer is you are both wrong. You have both sinned. You have both inferred. You both need to listen, learn, and walk in the truth. Its messy unpacking the truth. Its emotional, it's frustrating, it's scary being vulnerable about why we've acted the way we've acted.
Fidelity is risky because there are no guarantees. Even when we share grace and share truth to our fullest ability, and give due diligence to all we've outlined, some people's hearts are just set on doing evil. You could die for them, and they'll still remain your enemy. There is great risk in love. But there is greater risk in not-loving. Fidelity is the better story--love maximizes the redemptive possibilities in a relationship!
Fidelity is costly because it may very well cost you everything. So allow me to jump to my final thought. . .
Fourth, fidelity is the essence of God's Love
If you're going to live a better story you have to learn to fight like God. When you read your Old Testament, God is Father, and he likens the nation of Israel to a son. So how does the Father relate to his son Israel? Well, the Father is "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, he relents from acting with calamity." He could have taken Abraham's son Isaac, but spared him. Or his son Israel, but didn't.
When you read your New Testament, God is still Father, but he's a Father willing to send his One and Only Son to die, to pay the ultimate cost, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. In the New Testament the church is the bride of Christ. The manner in which Christ love the church becomes a pattern that fortifies our marriages and families.
As we move into our time of communion, consider a portrait of what it looks like to fight for fidelity--to remain resolute and steadfast, and to demonstrate fierce resolve necessary to walk in grace and truth. No matter how messy, risky, or costly this might be, ask yourself, "How might fidelity to Christ, and fidelity to my family, change my story for the better?" As our ushers prepare to serve communion... listen...
[READ EPHESIANS 5:18-6:4]