Is there any hope for some of the difficult relationships in your life?
Think about the most difficult, frustrating relationship you have in your life. If this one relationship would change, then your whole life would be better, right? You would rather not have to deal with this person at all. "Lord, take him away." But these relationships aren't going away anytime soon. It's a relationship with your spouse, your kid, your soon-to-be ex wife, your neighbor, your boss, or your in-laws.
This morning I want to be instructive. Maybe you have tried everything. Maybe there is absolutely no hope. Or, maybe you haven't tried everything! Maybe there actually is hope! And maybe there are some tiny shifts you can make that will net huge gains!
This morning I want to share five relation-shifts you can make in order to give a relationship every opportunity imaginable to get back on track. I am teaching out of Ephesians 4 and Ephesians 5 using the English Standard Version of the Bible. Remember, this person isn't going anywhere. What do you have to lose? In reality, you have everything to gain. And at the very least, you have a less messy relationship.
Relation- shift number 1: From running to facing.
Our first temptation when relationships go bad is to run. If you're in a physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive relationship, don't feel guilty. Develop a plan. Evacuate yourself and your children to a safer situation. The men in our church will help you if you are in danger. We also have many police officers in Springfield and at our church who are adept at handling any situation. There are situations where running, or a period of separation, are very appropriate.
But in most circumstances, what's needed is perseverance. Perseverance is a willingness to stay in a situation, and really wrestle with God's purpose for that relationship. In Ephesians 4:2 (ESV) Paul speaks of walking, "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love..." This is pretty good advice for relationships.
Humility says, "Maybe there is more to the picture that I am missing. Maybe I am being too harsh, hyper-critical, or overly subjective. Maybe there is something God wants and God sees here in this situation that I need to understand." Gentleness says, "Maybe I need to stop pushing so hard, and rethink my approach." Patience says, "Maybe I need to let this relationship simmer in the crockpot instead of throwing it in the microwave." And what relationship couldn't benefit from, "bearing with one another in love."
When we run from difficult relationships, those same patterns resurface in new relationships. What ruins the first marriage, then ruins the second, third, and fourth marriages. What soiled your relationship with Church A, soils it with Church B, C, and D. Initially it seems easier to run than to grow. But in reality, the opposite is true. It's easier to grow than to run and keep repeating the same painful pattern time and again.
Relation-shift number 2: From silence to truthful.
In Ephesians 4:16-24 Paul describes the main ways that relationships are ruined by ignorance, self-delusion, hardness of the heart, sensuality, impurity, darkened understanding, and deceitful desires. Isn't that true? The problem is that we're far more apt to tolerate a situation than to confront it. We'd rather fake a peaceful attitude than keep bringing up a situation that creates tension in our homes, or marriages, or work places.
The problem is that our silence shelters, and gives rise to evil. Your silence is permissive. Evil behaves like mold. If you cover up the mold, it keeps growing until it ruins everything. When a person gets ensnared by an evil desire, the longer he waits to speak up, the harder it becomes to confront, or eradicate, that evil from the relationship. It can take a single day for a situation to grow from bad to worse.
In Ephesians 4:15 (ESV) Paul encourages us by saying, "...speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ..." In Ephesians 4:25 (ESV) Paul tells us to, "...put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." In Ephesians 4:23 (ESV) he speaks of being, "...renewed in the spirit of your minds."
So the two shifts are that we stay engaged in a relationship, and we apply appropriate tension to the issue at hand, speaking truthfully and courageously.
Relation-shift number 3: From retributive to redemptive.
Another temptation in bad relationships is to be retributive and revengeful. One spouse blatantly lies about the other, so everyone (including her own children) feel the same way she feels. An injured party lets anger brew night after night, day after day. Through litigation, a claimant gets selfish, and goes after everything the other person has in order to totally ruin them. Out of hurt, we speak nasty, unwholesome, hate-filled words. We let the bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice spew. Our reaction to hurt can be far more damaging and egregious than the precipitating incident!
I've always been taught, "Don't burn your bridges." In Ephesians 4:25-32 Paul explicitly describes that this means. It means to put away falsehood. Speak truthfully. Remain loyal. Don't sin while you are angry. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Do not give the devil a foothold in your life because of your anger and hurt. Do not be a stealing, greedy, conniving thief. Live an honest life. Work with your own hands. Labor. Don't leverage a wrong like a get-rich quick scheme. Don't let corrupt talk come out of your mouth. Speak words that build up the other person, and show grace. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit. Put to death the bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. Here it is in a nutshell. Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) says, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Relation-shift number 4: From carefree to Christ-like.
And it's now that we're getting down to brass tacks. When someone hurts us, we often treat this as Get-out-of-jail-free card. "Now that I have been hurt, I am free to commit crimes and misdemeanors with impunity. I can be free of care. I can be sexually immoral! I can be impure and covetous. I say and think whatever I feel because I've been hurt."
Positively, Paul instructs us to be Christ-like. Ephesians 5:1-2 (ESV) says, "Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
But Paul also gives a stern warning. In Ephesians 5:3-12 (ESV) he says, "But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret."
We're just as responsible for our actions, as for our reactions to others. The Bible teaches us to overcome evil with good. We are not to do more evil. And just as important, it reminds us that we're accountable to God for every action, thought, word, and deed.
Relation-shift number 5: From self-gratification to gratitude.
In Ephesians 5:15-21 (ESV) we read, "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ."
The way I would summarize this last relation-shift is to keep your focus on Christ during times of conflict. It's easy for a conflict to become all-consuming, and for us to forget the many good things God has provided for us in the midst of our sorrow. It's also easy to miss the many ways God is at work in our circumstance. When you feel sorry for yourself, don't turn to marijuana or alcohol to medicate your pain. Call on the name of God. Understand and submit to God's will. Let God's glory shine forth in this thing.