You may be surprised to hear this, but conflict is a normal part of human relationships. Wherever two or more people are gathered, inevitably you will find conflict. The wife pleads with her husband, "Lift the toilet seat when you use the bathroom. And put the toilet seat back down when you are finished." The next time around the husband boldly leaves the seat down, but chooses instead to work on accuracy. Conflict is present even in the most intimate of relationships! It’s also present and true in the least intimate of relationships. Wherever two or more are gathered, there you will find conflict.
A conflict is a difference between two or more people.
The question isn’t when or if there will be conflict because there already is! The question is whether our present conflict will be an occasion on which we choose to glorify the living and resurrected Christ. But what is conflict? It can certainly be a struggle of epic proportions such as Islam versus the West. Or North Korea versus South Korea, China, Russia, Iran, Iraq, or Israel. But let’s not think in such epic proportions. On a simple level a conflict is a difference between two or more people. It’s a clash between ideas, beliefs, and perspectives.
One parent believes in tight controls with the children saying, "Be home by 10 PM." The other parent is more trusting. "Just take your cell phone and call us if you have any trouble." One citizen believes that the Democratic party embodies the ideals of Christianity such as compassion, generosity, and tolerance. Another citizen believes that the Republican party embodies the ideals of Christianity such as personal responsibility, pro-life, and smaller government. A developer draws up plans to spur what he believes is positive economic development. But the neighborhoods see the very same plan as harmful to their community. One church member prefers worship that is traditional, liturgical, and highly structured. Another member prefers worship that is contemporary, creative, and spontaneous.
Believers aren't exempt from conflict.
Every conflict is a clash between competing ideas, beliefs, preferences, and perspectives. As believers we certainly aren’t exempt from conflict. When I first started preaching, the church I served had a set order of worship. You could set your clock and every week we would be doing the same things at the same time. The deacons would march down the aisle, followed by the song leader, followed by the preaching minister, me. One week I thought that I would mix things up a little. At the beginning of the service instead of me reading announcements, I asked the song leader to read the announcements. Suddenly a flash of anger came from her. The song leader pointed her finger into my chest saying, "Oh no you don’t. That’s the preacher’s job."
Believers aren’t exempt from conflict or from having strong differences of opinion. The question isn’t whether we will experience conflict. Again, the question is whether we will take the occasion to glorify God in our response. We Christians don’t always do so well with conflict, do we? We become angry. We blow our tops. We lose our cool, our composure. We dishonor Christ and we discredit ourselves.
I have one objective this morning. It’s to give you very practical measures to help you glorify Christ in the midst of conflict. My objective is the same objective that the apostle James had, as he penned James 3:13-18. He was deeply concerned and disheartened about the way believers were acting. Before we read these verses I want to share a testimonial about this subject.
Jon's testimony.
I have made it a priority in my life to do a better job with handling conflict. When I first began preaching and someone came up to me and got in my face and buriedhis finger in my chest, I’d get really angry about it. In college and seminary they never taught us preachers what to do. So I’d respond according to my flesh. My pattern for dealing with conflict was that I would withdraw, internalize things, and just let them brew inside me. As my thoughts would race wildly out of control, tension grew. Each conflict exposed an even darker part of my soul that I didn’t like seeing. Can you relate?
I discovered early on that my ministry would be defined by the way I handled conflict. One day an older man who had just started attending our church pulled me aside and literally said, "Jon, you can do a whole lot better in this area of conflict management. Here is how you do it." And he showed me practical principles that he had learned during his career about how to constructively handle conflict.
This is exactly what the apostle James is doing in James 3:13-18. He’s pulling us aside, he’s giving us perspective on things, and he’s giving us a plan for conflict management. James 3:13-18 (NIV) says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
The good nature of a conflict.
These first verses show us the good, the bad, and the ugly side of conflict. First, the good side. James 3:13 (NIV) says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom." I detect a touch of sarcasm in this verse when James says, "Who is wise and understanding among you?"
Whenever a conflict brews, one of our first steps usually is to justify the righteousness of our cause to others. We claim to know the mind of God on the matter and we build our case and proceed to gather people around us to influence them to our position. If a person’s cause is so just and so true James says, "Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom." Have you ever noticed? Just beneath a person’s words is an attitude. Just beneath a person’s words are actions. Often, theattitude and actions are so loud that they drown out everything the person is saying.
Do you listen to a person’s attitude? Do you pay attention to his actions? His attitude and actions, more than his words, reveal the righteousness of his cause. The only good way to handle a conflict is with an attitude of humility. The only good way to handle a conflict is to love the other party by doing good to them. We should see none of this below the belt, knife-in-the-back kind of stuff so typical of pagans.
As we’ll see, humble people love peace. They want to work through things. They allow some give and take and they're open to having their perspective changed. They're forgiving. They don’t make a conflict personal. Does this describe you when you are in your conflict?
The bad nature of a conflict.
Conflicts can go from good to bad in a big hurry. And friends, they most often do go bad. As we just saw, a first sign of trouble is when your attitude sours toward the other party. Another sign of trouble is when you cannot bring yourself to do good to that person. James 3:14-15 (NIV) says, "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil."
James observes how quickly a conflict escalates. In the beginning we think it's about some grain of truth or some insight that we have discovered about the other party. You notice something about your spouse, about a fellow employee, a fellow student, a teacher, or your pastor, and then a weakness in your church fellowship.
But notice what is happening in James 3:14. We begin to harbor bitter envy. We become resentful of the other person, wanting what they have. They're happy, but I am not. They're successful, but I am not. They're close to God, but I am not. They're content, but I am not. We also begin to harbor selfish ambition. We make it our mission to bring that person down. "That person is blocking my path and they're keeping me from gaining more power, from being recognized, from getting what I want. If I can somehow weaken her, discredit her, or destroy her, then I could seize what I’m after.
Notice thatbitter envy leads to selfish ambition which leads to boasting! And noticethat the next step is to, "deny the truth." A bad sign is when being "right" is more important than "being" right. James observes how in the heat of a conflict with emotions running high, our brains shut down. We deny the truth. We ignore the facts. We shut our eyes and ears. And our worst fear? We could be wrong! We might have to retract our words, repent of a sinful attitude, seek forgiveness for our evil deeds, or confess our impure motives. Again notice the sarcasm in James 3:15 (NIV). "Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil."
The really ugly nature of a conflict.
A conflict can go from potentially good, to bad, to the really ugly. James 3:15-16 (NIV) says, "Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warned us to pay attention to the fruit. If yourcause has truly originated in the heart of God, there will be righteous fruit. On a personal note, your life will be full of the fruit of the Holy Spirit which is list in Galatians 5:22 (NIV) as, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
If your cause is righteous, relationships will be strengthened and true reconciliation will be your goal. Instead of denying, avoiding, or blaming, you’ll forgive and you’ll grow! If your cause is righteous, it shouldn’t be destroying your marriage, your relationships with your children, your relationship with friends and family, the unity of your church, the integrity of your worship, or the integrity of your Christian witness. When a conflict originates from the evil one, the fruit is all bad! There is disorder, confusion, chaos, tension, and as James says, "every evil practice." Take a hard look at things. Are things going from good to bad to really ugly, really fast? If so, it's time to take a spiritual inventory and get right with God.
How do we redeem a conflicted situation for God's glory?
I want to spend the rest of our time talking about how to turn things around. How do we redeem any conflicted situation for God’s glory? James doesn’t leave us without practical advice. In fact, he lists eight seeds that we absolutely must sow in the midst of every conflict, small or great. You can think of these things as a checklist for the heat of battle. These are things you can take a hard look at to make sure that glorifying Christ is your very first priority. If you are sowing all eight of these seeds, you’ll have a clear conscience before God.
James 3:17-18 (NIV) says, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
Seed number one relates to your motivation.
Is your motivation pure or impure? Just ask yourself, "What is the conflict really about? What is it that you really want?" James 4:1-2 (NIV) says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God."
Seed number two relates to your objective.
Is your objective peace-loving or quarrelsome? A peace-loving person will stay the course, working hard at reconciliation. In contrast, a quarrelsome person will not resolve a conflict. They want a separation or a divorce and they’ll do anything to undermine any attempt at reconciliation. They’ll avoid, deny, exaggerate, lie, or whatever else it takes to keep the conflict alive.
Seed number three relates to our posture.
Is your posture considerate or inconsiderate? Are you truly listening to the other party? Are you personally making yourself available for conversation? Are you meeting with them to understand their perspective? Have you spent as much time trying to build understanding as you have spent building your case? Are you taking their thoughts and feelings into consideration?
Seed number four relates to our attitude.
Is your posture submissive or proud? Submission is the same thing as humility. Humility is a willingness to change and grow. It’s a willingness to subject your interests to the interests of others. Proud people don’t think about others, they think about themselves. What’s in it for me? How can I get ahead? How can I get what I want? Are you taking a servant, submissive, humble posture to the other party?
Seed number five relates to grace.
Are you full of mercy, merciful, or unforgiving? Most conflicts come down to one thing. Are you willing to show forgiveness? Forgiveness acknowledges the fact that the other person cannot atone for his sins or for the wrongs he has committed against you. He can't say enough, pay enough, or do enough to ever undo the pain he has caused you. Forgiveness acknowledges the fact that the only way for the relationship to move forward is to let go and give the hurt to God. If your cause truly originates in the heart of God, you’ll show the heart of God by forgiving others and by being full of mercy. Unforgiveness is of the devil, not of God.
Seed number six relates to behavior.
Are you bearing good fruit or bad fruit? This conflict, what effect has it had on your life? Has it brought out a deeper, more profound expression of love? Has it brought out the kind of joy and happiness that can only be of God? Has it brought greater peace and unity in your relationships, your family, your workplace, and your church? Has it caused you to be more patient and understanding? As a result, are you becoming a more kind and considerate person? As a result, are you demonstrating goodness by doing good deeds to those you're at odds with?
Throughout this conflict have you demonstrated self-control, keeping a tight reign on your tongue, not gossiping, and not losing your temper? Remember thatthe fruit of the Spirit is, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control."
Seed number seven relates to acceptance.
Are you acting impartially or partially? Maybe the real issue is that you just don’t like the other person. They’re different. They have a different skin color, ethnicity, background, or economic standing. They’re rich, they’re poor, they’re attractive, they’re unattractive, they’re self-sufficient, they’re needy, they’re tall, they’re short, fat, skinny, charming, boring, whatever.
Seed number eight relates to authenticity.
Are you being sincere or insincere? Are you just going through the motions or are you genuinely being a peacemaker? James 3:18 (NIV) says, "Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
Now look down through James’ list of eight seeds. Think of a specific conflict you having with another person, at church or otherwise.
Pure Impure
Peace-loving Quarrelsome
Considerate Inconsiderate
Submissive Proud
Merciful Unforgiving
Good fruit Bad fruit
Impartial Partial
Sincere Insincere
Next to each item, put a check mark by the positive things you are doing. Put a check mark by the areas of concern. Are there more checks on the left or on the right?
I surrender my conflict to Jesus' will.
Just now the worship team is going to sing the song, "I Surrender All." You are certainly welcome to sing along with the worship team if you so desire. What I would really like to see happen is that we use this time to pray for one another. First, you might stand where you are and pray for a situation happening in your life. If you’re a guest, do not be uncomfortable. Meditate on the words you’ll hear. Second, some of you might walk over to another person and without asking all the details, just put your hand on her shoulder and briefly pray for a situation in her life. You can pray silently or out loud if you wish. Third, during this song you are welcome to come forward and myself or one of our elders, Life Group leaders, or shepherds will pray with you. After the worship team sings we will have communion. Use that time to continue praying and to continue reflecting on James' words.