We all experience conflict at some point in life. I can't speak for you, but I can certainly speak for myself. I cannot think of a single season in my life where there wasn't some kind of a relational conflict happening around me. Now I didn't say that I was always the cause. I'm just saying that conflict is one of those constants in life. Right?
Sometimes conflict was with the neighborhood kids. Sometimes it was with my tormenters in high school, or even with teachers. Sometimes it was with coworkers, jockeying over sales commissions. In college I had a few unbearable roommates and became one myself! People in all the churches I attended from birth through my graduate education were always fighting about something. It was so exhausting and discouraging at times. From time to time, we have disagreements among the staff, and we have to have a come to Jesus meeting.
These type of conflicts can be and have been quite hard. But the most strenuous conflicts are those that boil up within your home-- with your spouse, your kids, your siblings, or your parents. It's one thing when someone hurts you who doesn't know you so well. It's another thing when it's someone you love, or should love. Or when it's someone you see every single day and cannot avoid.
Now Lara and I, we have a fairly peaceful home, so long as the dogs don't vomit on the bed, or hike their legs on the furniture, or jump on the kitchen table like cats. But in my family at large, there has always been a lot of relational conflict. Sometimes I've had to take the brunt of some things. But most times I'm the peacemaker. I'm the one who guides people through their emotions toward resolution. My major project that I completed for my Doctoral degree was a program designed to help people respond to conflict redemptively. I just took about twenty leaders through this training in the past few weeks, and will train twenty or more in January. It's really fun!
So I was reading along in 1 Peter, and along come these amazing verses in 1 Peter 3:8-17. My first thought was, "Wow!" These power-packed verses are like a survivor's guide to conflict! My second thought is that they don't need a lot of explanation! So let me chunk these verses into three parts.
Five inner attitudes we should choose when we're in conflict.
1 Peter 3:8 (ESV) says, "Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind."
Each of these words or phrases represents a choice, an inner response, or an inner decision that we must learn to make, especially in the heat of battle. So here are the five inner attitudes that I'll give you as examples, along with a question characterizing each attitude.
Decision number one: To have unity of mind.
Are you for or against the other person? If you align yourself against another person, attitudinally, what do you think the outcome will be? When you have a bad attitude toward someone, it oozes out through your words, your posture, your body language, your every look and every gesture. You cannot hide an attitude. If a person detects that you are against him, and people almost always detect your attitude, then there will always be conflict. That conflict will escalate until either you or your enemy is destroyed.
I saw this week where a Jewish leader is calling upon United States to drop a nuclear bomb on Iran. Our highest calling isn't to destroy our enemy, but to redeem our neighbor. God could have poured out his wrath and let loose his rage against mankind. But he chose to be for us and to demonstrate his love in Christ.
Decision number two: To have sympathy.
The question is, "What is the other person's viewpoint?" We can be so preoccupied with our own point of view that we never consider another's viewpoint. When an angry person storms into your presence and inflames you, your impulse might be to angrily defend yourself and respond in kind. But I've learned to take a deep breath and gently, respectfully ask questions. "Whoa. Help me understand. Help me understand your anger. Walk me through this whole thing."
Decision number three: To have brotherly love.
The question is, "What is the loving thing to do here?" What does this person truly need? To answer this question, you have to get beneath the surface and you have to get at the root of the problem. A person's underlying need can be a universe removed from the presenting crisis and issue.
One time I had a person confront me about where our church bought staples. And they asked if the staples we were buying at Store A could be purchased more cheaply at Store B. The difference in price was maybe 50 cents. We do try to be frugal, but when this person confronted me I asked, "I know that your concern is staples, but are you sure there isn't something deeper going on here?" Sure enough there was, and when we addressed the underlying need, the presenting need (cheaper staples) didn't matter so much!
Decision number four: To have a tender heart.
The question is, "Will you open your heart?" It's one thing to understand a person. It's another thing to open your heart to them. We have a tendency to hold people at arm's length, even when we fully understand where they are coming from. If the relationship is to change, there has to be tenderness, compassion, kindness, and mercy. Holding grudges and harboring resentment does nothing to heal a relationship. The heart must be inclined to do good.
Decision number five: To have a humble mind.
The question is, "Will you swallow your pride?" You may be completely for a person. You might sympathize with them. You might know the loving thing to do. Your heart might be receptive. But here is the final piece. Who's going to blink first? Who's going to humble themselves first, you or the other person? Why not let it be you?
Five outer actions we should choose when we're in conflict.
Choice number one: Bless and be blessed.
1 Peter 3:9 (ESV) says, "Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing." Okay, so this verse is a promise. I've never seen someone get ahead by repaying evil for evil or insult for insult. The only way to change the evil dynamic of a relationship is by blessing the other person. Evil is what she expects, but blessing her completely blindsides her and fundamentally changes her paradigm of you.
Choice number two: Keep your tongue from evil and deceit.
1 Peter 3:10 (ESV) says, "For 'Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit...' " Some of the most miserable people I know have loose lips. "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that." The happiest people I know guard their tongues. And maybe it's that simple. Do a little post-game analysis. Most conflicts start with unfiltered words. And many relationships would heal if more tongues were guarded.
Choice number three: Turn away from evil, and do good.
1 Peter 3:10-11 (ESV) says, "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good..." It's a promise.
Choice number four: Seek peace and pursue it.
1 Peter 3:11 (ESV) continues, "...let him seek peace and pursue it." It's a promise. Jesus taught that before the sun goes down, go and be reconciled to your brother! Wanting peace isn't the same as making peace. Wanting is passive. Making is active.
Choice number five: Pray with vigilance.
1 Peter 3:12 (ESV) says, "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." You will never pray so hard as when wrestling with the inner questions I mentioned earlier. You will never pray so hard as when faced with the choice of blessing a person, guarding your tongue, doing good, and seeking or pursuing peace. But look what Peter says. God answers these kinds of prayers! You know we always pray for physical healing. How often do you pray for relational healing? How often do you pray to have the right attitude and to take the right actions in a situation?
Sage wisdom and advice to keep in mind during conflict.
Because of time restraints, I'm just going to read these off to you and give you the corresponding verse. If you want to see how these things play themselves out in real life, you'll want to read the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 through Genesis 52.
1. No one will probably harm you if you are zealous for good. In 1 Peter 3:13 (ESV) Peter asks, "Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good?" The overwhelming majority of people respond positively to a positive attitude and godly action.
2. You're blessed, no matter what. You are blessed regardless. In 1 Peter 3:14 (ESV) Peter says, But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed." When the favor of God is upon you, no one can take it away. God will make good on whatever price you pay for doing good.
3. Trust God, and don't be fearful or troubled. In 1 Peter 3:14 (ESV) Peter says, "Have no fear of them, nor be troubled." One of my favorite Jesus quotes is when he tells his disciples in Matthew 10:28 (ESV), "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." We're victorious, whether in life or death!
4. Always honor Christ, no matter what. In 1 Peter 3:15 (ESV) Peter says, "... but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy..." No matter how hard things become, the one thing we must always do, and never waver in, is honoring God in everything we say and do.
5. Gently and respectfully explain your hope. 1 Peter 3:15 (ESV) continues, "... always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect..." We don't have to be emotional. We don't have to be defensive or insecure. Just take a deep breath and let the truth speak for itself. Conflict always provides an opportunity for you to point people to Jesus.
6. Maintain a good conscience. 1 Peter 3:16 (ESV) speaks of, "...having a good conscience..." The Holy Spirit is faithful to nudge you if you're stepping out of bounds. Never violate your conscience. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
7. Let your enemies _(blank)_ themselves. Hey, that can be misunderstood! Be careful how you fill in the blank. The proper response here is, "Let your enemies shame themselves." Peter says, in 1 Peter 3:16 (ESV), "...having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame." The path of the righteous is like the rising sun, shining ever brighter as the day passes. But that same sun exposes the foolishness of God's enemies. Let time shame your enemies.
8. It's worth fighting for good. Finally, 1 Peter 3:17 (ESV) says, "For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil." The merit of living a Christian life cannot always be judged in this life. But future generations will look back on our lives, much like we look back to the stories of old. Some parts of Joseph's life really stunk. But when you consider the totality of his life from start to finish, you realize how from God's vantage point and from the vantage point of history, God's goodness was momentarily hidden as Joseph suffered. But then when God's plan is fully unveiled, we're left speechless. And likewise with Christ. God's goodness was hidden as Christ suffered and died. But when his glorious plan was unveiled, we were left speechless.
God is asking us not just to survive, but to learn to thrive during conflict. Joseph is an example. Jesus is an example. But we too can be examples.