This past week Lara and I went out to eat. We go to the same place at the same time and order the same thing just about every week. When we walk in the door the cook immediately begins cooking our order. The waitress prepares our drinks and brings out chips and salsa. We're treated like royalty.
So LaraandI are talking when allof asudden the waitress appears with some more chips. As she combined the chip bowls I said, "Refill, refill." The waitress looked at me funny and walked away. It was one of those moments where I thought, "Okay, what just happened?I hit a button."
This waitress is one who prides herself in being attentive to the needs of each table. Glancing down, I noticed that my ice tea was half gone. The waitress thought I was being rude and that I was rather bluntly telling her to refill my tea! In reality, I was referring to her refilling the chips. When she came back with ice tea it became a kind of joke.
But how easily we can be misunderstood! How many times in a given week does a misunderstanding develop in a relationship? Sometimes it’s something you say. Sometimes it’s what you don’t say. Sometimes it’s something another person says. An innocent comment which is taken out of context. A constructive piece of advice which is taken the wrong way. Misunderstandings are the stuff of relationships.
This past week Laraand I had a bit of a misunderstanding. I came home from work and she said, "Jon, I don’t want you to be upset, but I bought something today." Before I could even react she blurts out, "I bought Barry Manilow tickets for ten dollars each. It's in St. Louis and I hope that is okay with you. How often would we be able to see a legend like Barry Manilow for only ten dollars?"
"Barry Manilow tickets! Sweetie, I thought you loved me. What did I ever do to deserve this? Why would you torture me in this way?" She then proceeded to get her Barry Manilow CD out and play it in the kitchen in full volume while I cooked supper. So I started dancing for her and lip-syncing Barry Milli-Vanilli style, showing her what would be in store for her should she take me to her concert. The things you will never see. Oh, did you know that the New Kids on the Block are reuniting and going on tour? We're really hitting a rough patch these days in our house.
A review of some critical survival skills.
On a serious note, we have discussed come critical relational survival skills in recent weeks. Let’s recap. The principle of faithfulness calls us to remain faithful to God’s purpose in every relationship, no matter how difficult things become. For Barry or worse.
The principle of consideration calls us to truly put the interests of others first, instead of putting self first. People are not the means to our ends. People are an end in themselves. We’re to serve one another instead of being served. We're to give, not take, take, take.
The principle of humility calls us to take personal responsibility. Instead of looking out the window and blaming others, we look in the mirror at ourselves. The proud person refuses to change. He is always sitting in a high place, looking downhis nose in judgment on the other. The humble person asks, "What more can I do? How can I change? Where do I need to grow? How am I contributing to the mess? What actions do I need to take?"
The principle of understanding.
This morning I want to introduce a fourth relational survival skill and one just as important as all the others. It’s the principle of understanding. Stephen Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People lists this as one of the seven critical habits of successful living. He says, "Seek first to understand before being understood."
I wonder if you have ever been misunderstood? There are many times I am misunderstood. Being misunderstood is one of my spiritual gifts. Actually, it goes without saying that if you preach, you are going to be misunderstood. No matter how careful you are, someone almost always gets offended. Some of you have been offended by one or another thing I have said. But do you know that it is the rare exception that we ever go to someone who has offended us and ask for clarification? Instead we presume to know what someone thinks or feels. We pretend to know their motives, intentions, and heart.
When I was younger I remember playing catch with a disabled child named Jeff. Jeff had severely deformed hands, feet, and face. I loved that little guy and would absolutely never do anything to harm him. So one day we were playing catch with an inflated beach ball. Whenever I would throw the ball Jeff would raise his hands to catch the ball, but instead it would bounce off his head or hands and he’d run and chase it down. The little guy would just giggle and laugh. It was good seeing him having fun.
We were at church camp and some man happened to notice our little game. Not understanding the situation he grabbed the beach ball, walked over to me, glared at me, and crammed the ball into my face. He made a snap judgment about my character without understanding the situation. I don’t know about you, but I hated being judged like that. I resented that man and avoided him the rest of the week.
Few things create more resentment than misunderstanding. Few things create more resentment than misjudging someone’s character. Proverbs 13:15 (NIV) says, "Good understanding wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful is hard."
You want to win people’s favor? Practice good understanding. Seek first to understand before being understood. Let’s take a moment to establish some relational facts.
Some relational facts that necessitate practicing understanding.
First, things are rarely what they appear to be on the surface. Behavior never tells the whole story. I suppose one of my neighbors could say, "The Morrissettes are always yelling." Always yelling, or just yelling some of the time? Yelling about what? Yelling at who? The truth may be that Jon is yelling, "No, no, no! Bad dog.Get outside!" Or perhaps Lara is yelling, "No, no, no! Bad Jon. Hang up your clothes and don’t leave them on the bed." What is the whole story? In that instance the yelling would be justified, right? We rarely, if ever, get all the facts. And the facts that we do have are often pseudo-facts. They are biased interpretations, mere conjecture, and speculations that may have very little to do with reality. What was really said? What really happened? What was really meant?
A second thing is that we are prone to misjudging people’s hearts and motives. Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV) says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" We can’t even understand our own hearts, let alone the hearts of other people! There is only one person in scripture who knew men’s heart. That was Jesus Christ.I don’t know how to gently break this news to you, but you are not Jesus Christ. I am not Jesus Christ. We don’t know people’s hearts. We cannot see what is inside a person. We are not experts on the feelings, needs, motivations, intentions, or circumstances driving other people’s behavior. We're hardly experts on our own behavior. Only Jesus can speak authoritatively and unequivocally about others.
This is why Jesus said in Luke 6:37-38 (NIV), "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Friends, we are not omniscient! We are not all-knowing and all-seeing. Jesus warns us to be careful about judging people fromour limited vantage point. Our foolishness in this matter is what destroys our relationships. We’ve all destroyed relationshipsby our refusal to seek understanding before being understood.
Proverbs 13:15 (NIV) says, "Good understanding wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful is hard." Consider what Proverbs 20:5 (NIV) says, "The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out."
Your first impulse should be to seek understanding.
It is absolutely imperative thatas a matter of prioritywe seek understanding. When someone’s behavior offends you, let your impulse be to seek understanding instead of picking up stones. I thought of a slogan for you to put up in your cubicle at work, or in your locker, or on your refrigerator. Here it is. It'sprofound advice."Just ask."
I was in a local grocery store recently and bumped into a former member of our church. We were in the fruit department of Meijers.I was getting ready to buy some apples and this person sternly greets me saying, "Preacher, you'd better start eating healthy. Your hair is falling out." This person has a history of making such comments, and not just to me.
Now there are a number of ways that a person could respond in such a situation. You could rejoice that he no longer attends your church. "Thank you Jesus!" You could certainly ignore the comment. Proverbs 12:16 (NIV) says, "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." And for the record, I did both! Thank you Jesus whilemoving right along!
But one of the most effective things you can do is ask questions. Ask the person to clarifyhis remark. "I want to make sure I understood you, could you say that again? Help me understand what you mean by that comment. I appreciate your concern about my hair, but is there something else bothering you? Have I done something to offend you? Have you come across some dietary secret for preventing hair-loss?" Be a good counselor. A good counselor draws out understanding. They are likeprivate investigators. They sift a person’s heart and mind. They help a person bringher crooked thinking into the light, where there can be healing and restoration. You cannot fix something you cannot see.
Better than walking away is seeking understanding. Some of you have been walking away from bad relationships for your entire life. It gets you nowhere! Someone offends you, so you cut them off and you move on. How much better to address the problem instead of running away from the problem. How much better to seek understanding than to give someone free rent in your head for months!
The truth is that most people don’t understand how their behavior is affecting you. They are unconsciously incompetent. They don’t realize how they are coming across or how they’ve made you feel. By seeking understanding, you can raise their self-awareness and cause them to grow. That is a good thing! The cost of silence is more of the same!
It is true that some people have malicious intentions. They call you names, insult you, put you down publicly, and bully you. They have it out for you. They will repeat this behavior until someone asks them to take responsibility for it. The mere act of asking someone to repeat their insult can help them realize how childish they're being. Asking them to clarify their remark is even more effective. "What did you mean by that? What would make you say that to me? Have I done something to offend you?"
I am really challenged by Proverbs 2:1-5 (NIV). These verses hold true in our relationship with God. They certainly hold true in our relationship with one another. It's some of the best relational advice you can find. "My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."
Survival skill number four is seeking understanding. Just ask. Turn your ear toward wisdom. Apply your heart to understanding. Call out for insight. Cry aloud for understanding. Look for understanding as if for silver, as if for hidden treasure. Stop judging. Draw out understanding. Accept that you don’t know all the facts. You aren’t Jesus! Good understanding wins favor.