Discernment
We have discussed some important principles regarding relational survival skills in recent weeks. The principles really do work. This past Friday we went to the Barry Manilow concert. We arrived early and found a parking space. As we approached the arena, ominous black clouds began forming overhead. The wind was picking up andthere were peals of thunder and flashes of lightning. It was such an apocalyptic moment."Come Lord Jesus," I prayed.
As I looked out across the entrance of the arena, dozens of husbands were being led by their wives into the arena. And they all had the same look on their faces like, "What am I doing here?" As Barry stood on the stage dancing and shaking parts of his body no man his age should shake, the women shrieked in delight while their husbands covered their heads in shame. Other husbands were sound asleep, awakened only by the occasional burst of applause. Those men were the salt of the earth.
Truthfully, it was a very good concert. Other than the song Barry sang about Lola being a showgirl, the concert was very wholesome. Pray for Lola. Seriously, we had a great time. The talent of the musicians was just phenomenal. Anything for Lara!
A summary of relational skills for survival in the relational jungle.
Allow me a moment to summarize where we have been in recent weeks. The principle of faithfulness calls us to remain faithful to God’s purpose in every relationship, no matter how difficult things become. I want to say more about this in a moment. The principle of consideration calls us to truly put the interests of others first, instead ofputting our own self interests first. The principle of humility calls us to take personal responsibility and to take a hard look at ourselves. The principle of understanding calls us to seek first to understand before being understood.
At the start of this series I told you that Tom Frydenger and I would be team-teaching this series. Something you may not know is that Tom has written several books. He is an expert on blended families. He has been in the process of writing a book on parenting. He has ministered to thousands of couples in his career. Starting next week I am going to hand the baton off to Tom and he is going preach through the entire month of May. I am asking you to make it a priority to invite friends and family to hear these sermons and to benefit from these messages. Every message will be immensely helpful.
During the month of May I am going to be unavailable to the congregation as I complete the rough draft of my doctoral dissertation. For me, May is going to be an intensive period of study and writing. During this time the elders and pastoral staff will make themselves available to serve you in any way they can.
If you feel there is an urgent matter that only I can address, I want you to contact Jay Brooks. Jay is my right-hand man and is fully competent to respond to anything you might need during this time. He can get hold of me if that shouldbe necessary. I would covet your prayers during this time as I work toward a major deadline of June 1. ByJune1 I have to have completed a rough draft of my dissertation—all two hundred to two hundred fifty pages worth. It’s tedious. It’s time consuming. And it’s not much fun for Lara either. She’s had to make an extraordinary sacrifice as well. "Dissertation Jon" isn’t very fun to be around. My dogs growl when Dissertation Jon walks through the door.
Throughout this summer and fall my rough draft may have to go through several revisions, which may affect my availability later. But I will keep you informed.
What does faithfulness look like in action?
Okay, let’s talk for a moment about faithfulness before introducing the survival skill discretion. In our life groups there have been some fantastic discussions. An important point of discussion has been this: What does faithfulness look like? To what extent should we be faithful in a relationship? Is there a point at which a relationship should end?
This is a difficult question. I would say that in general, we prematurely terminate relationships. Take divorce for example. Divorce is a horrible and painful experience. It should be the very last resort in a marriage. If you have made a marriage covenant and you are a husband, your obligation to God is to pursue reconciliation with the wife of your youth. What God has joined together, let no man separate.
But what does it mean to remain faithful to God’s purpose? What if the husband becomes physically abusive or violent? What if a spouse becomes emotionally abusive, so filled with hate thathe holds the whole house hostage to fear? What if a parent or grandparent physically or sexually abuseshis children? What if someone becomes a threat to your safety by virtue ofhis alcoholism or addiction? What ifshe endangers your health byher being sexually unfaithful? What if a person becomes dangerous by virtue of a mental illness?
Faithfulness to God’s purposes looks different in these circumstances. Take an evil person for example. There are people who are evil in a calculating way. There are people who have malicious, destructive, exploitive, and perverse desires—predators. In my last church there was a man who preyed on women and children. When parents were down in the basement eating a meal, he would quietly sneak upstairs where the children were playing. He would entice children with little games that I won’t describe. On a number of occasions he touched women in the congregation inappropriately. How do you relate to an evil person like that?
How do you relate to an evil person?
Being faithful to God’s purpose does not mean to be stupid. Being faithful means this. Pray for your enemies. Pray for evil people. Take immediate action to protect yourself and your family. It especially means protecting your children. Do not allow an evil person unfettered access to your children. Read the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus tells us not to resist an evil person. Ifhemakes a demand, it's often best to pay the immediate price. It's better to lethim take the car, or take your cloak, or take the house, or whatever than it is to risk your family or well-being. It can be better to start over with nothing than to try to conduct a salvage operation. Being faithful to God’s purpose can mean separation. It can mean breaking your association with someone, even cutting off communication. Insome instances it can mean divorce.
In my view, you relate differently to an evil person than you do to a self-centered person. A self-centered person doesn’t typically have the intention of hurting you.Her problem isthat she is singularly focused onherself.She looks to her own interests and not to the interests of others.Her mind is onher ego, an achievement, makingherpoint, getting recognition, or being prideful.She issocially incompetent, like a bull in a china shop. Insensitive. Inconsiderate. Being faithful to God’s purpose means things like praying. Establishing clear boundaries. Demonstrating self-respect. Being considerate. Overlooking an insult. Showing understanding and patience.
Some people are simply impulsive and immoral. They just make bad choices for themselves. They eat in excess. Drink in excess. Spend in excess. They are promiscuous. They choose poor relationships. They speak without thinking. They are more a harm to themselves than to others. They're like a dog chasing a rabbit on the interstate, completely oblivious to the danger. Being faithful to God means praying for them. It means offering words of warning, guidance, and instruction even when they don’t seem to be listening. It means asking good questions that encourage self-reflection.It means helping them build hedges of protection. It means modeling righteousness so that they see a better way. Being faithful means letting them experience the consequences for choices so they connect cause and effect. The worst thing you can do for a foolish person is rescue them from pain bybailing them out! Pain is one of the most effective teachers and is a gift from God to turn us to our senses!
Some people, actually most people aren’t evil at all. They are perhaps angry, hurt, frustrated, or offended. They feel thatthey have suffered an injustice. For example, if you have an affair instead of working things out in your marriage, you are a fool if you think things are going to be peaceful and fine with your spouse. Your spouse is going to feel jealous, hurt, betrayed, and even vengeful.She is going to lash out at you. She is going to protectherself. She'sgoing to curse at you.She's going to flush the wedding ring down the toilet.
Faithfulness to God’s purpose means things like praying, taking responsibility for your sins, establishing communication, asking forgiveness, offering reparation for damages, pursuing reconciliation, addressing the injustice, rebuilding trust, seeking mediation, and if necessary, arbitration. If you hurt someone you owe it to him toweather his emotions because you’re the cause. But don’t you dare demonize him, disparagehim, or lie about his character in order to save face.He is more normal than you think. Take some responsibility. Seek understanding.
Characteristics of discretion.
I have spoken extensively about faithfulness, but what I have really been talking about is showing discretion. Discretion involves looking beyond the surface of a relationship and showing good judgment. It’s asking what this relationship really needs.What dynamics are at play here?
This past week I heard the story about a bear trainer who was killed instantly when in a flash of rage, the bear he was training bit his neck. You might be able to put a dress on a bear and make it stand on its two hind feet, but you best not forget that it's a bear! Bears have a bear nature. Lions have a lion nature. Guess what else? Humans have a human nature.
The Bible offers a very sobering analysis of our human nature. James 1:14-15 (NIV) says, "but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."
We all have good and evil desires. Our desires can make us vulnerable in relationships. Every second, advertisers exploit our desires to sell products. Drink this beer and you’ll sweep women off their feet. Buy this product and feel young and beautiful. In your life group this week you are going to discuss Proverbs 6. You’ll notice how the adulteress woman exploits a young man’s desires to take advantage of him. There is another example in Proverbs 1 where friends entice a young man to commit a crime for monetary gain. Our desires leave us terribly vulnerable. Our desires set us up to be dragged away and enticed to sin and experience death.
1 Peter 2:11 (NIV) says, "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul."
Discretion demonstrates tremendous caution. It asks, "What desires within me are healthy, constructive, beneficial, and life-giving? What is the other person truly seeking in this relationship? Areher desires healthy, constructive, beneficial, and life-giving?" In the interest of time, I’m going to ask Tom to talk on this more next week.