How do we survive the relational jungle? Whenever I watch "Man versus Wild" (reclined in my chair, with a cold soda and popcorn) I am always amazed at how easy survival looks. If Bear needs to light a fire, no problem! You can use some of this, a little of that, and presto! Hungry? You can eat these bugs crawling over here. You can cut some of this off of that animal carcass. Thirsty? Use your shirt to strain the muddy, bacteria-infested water.
Who ever said that relational survival would be easy? Case in point: Jesus Christ did relationships perfectly. Yet as you know, he did not do them painlessly. Instead he, "made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!"Philippians 2:8 (NIV)
Relationships cause pain.Nowhere is that more true than in our relationship with God. God has shown us perfect love in Christ, but we have caused him unspeakable pain. We reject his love. We reject his Son Jesus Christ. We sin. We become enemies of God asdemonstrated by our evil behavior.
Yet God is faithful to us. He cannot disown that part of his character that sent Jesus to the cross. God has resolved to never leave us or forsake us. He has chosen us, predestined us, loved us, adopted us, forgiven us, lavished us with grace, redeemed us, and blessed us. We are too precious in his sight for him to just give up on us.
Our relationships would benefit from our faithfulness.
Our relationships could sure use the same kind of faithfulness. God’s love is a covenant love. It doesn’t change like the direction of the wind, or the temperature, or by what’s convenient. If the relationship requires pain then let it be so. Pain is one of the costs of relationships. Relationships hurt, they bruise, and they break the heart. Regardless,faithfulness doesn’t flinch. Faithfulness resolves itself to seek the good of the relationship.
I saw a quote this past week. "Never, never, never,(almost)never give up."That captures the principle of faithfulness well. But as an utter last resort we stay the course, no matter how painful. And then last week we introduced a second survival skill: consideration. The key verse is Philippians 2:3 (NIV) which says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Paul introduces two choice phrases here,"selfish ambition" and "vain conceit." Selfish ambition and vain conceit represent our default settings.
By default we see our relationships as an extension of our goals, dreams, and personal ambitions. By default we use our relationships as a means of promoting ourselves. We see relationships not as an end in themselves, but as a stepping stone—as a means to some greater thing. This is true in the home, the church, and the workplace. And it'sdestroying our relationships.
Practice consideration in your relationships.
The principle of consideration is this: no onewants to be your stepping stone. Noonedeserves to be a servant of your ego. No onedeservesyourfootprint on his back. In every relationship there are costs and rewards. If the costs outweigh the rewards I may go along for a time, but I will not go along indefinitely. You cannot take and take and take and expect a relationship to survive.
A lot of husbands are inconsiderate of their wives. You work a long day and feel that your whole family owes you. What’s for dinner? Did you do my laundry? Did you do the dishes? Could you change that diaper again? Would you get me a drink? Would you be quiet? I am trying to listen to the television. Hey honey, let’s go to bed now!
Parents can be inconsiderate of their children. I see parents putting so much pressure on their children to excel in sports and academics. What is that really about? Is it really about love or is itself-ambition and vain conceit being masked? When children feel pressure without love and consideration, they rebel. When employees feel pressure without love and consideration, they quit. When the task becomes more important than the people doing it,the task gets derailed. Nothing trumps consideration.
Stephen Covey tells a fable about a farmer.There was once a farmer who bought a golden goose. A week later the golden goose laid a golden egg! The farmer was ecstatic! He cashed the golden egg and had a wild time. The following week hefound that the golden goose laid another golden egg! Again he cashed it in and spent the money. This happened week after week until one week the farmer just can't wait till the end of the week to get the golden egg.So he killed his golden goose andtook the golden egg out of it. He has another wild time with the money. But the next week he realized that therewas no golden egg, for he had killed his golden goose. The moral of the story is to never kill your golden goose. We sometimes treat people like the farmer treated thegoose.
Matthew 20:28 (NIV) tells us that, "just as the the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."As a matter of purpose Christ came to serve and to show consideration. You cannot violate this principle and hope for a relationship to improve. It won’t. People are the end, not some means to an end.
You can apply this principle to some of the toughest cases. Jesus taught us to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. What if your enemies felt your consideration instead of your indignation? What if your enemies overheard your prayers? What if they sensed that you for were truly for them? In time, your generous spirit could very well melt the hardest heart.
The third survival skill: humility.
Allow me to introduce a third relational survival skill. We'll call it humility. Sometimes the best way to understand a word like humility is to consider its polar opposite. The opposite of humility is pride and arrogance. A humble person can be changed, they can adapt, they can be taught, they can listen, and they can take responsibility. A proud person refuses to change and adapt.She cannot be taught,she doesn't listen, and thereforeshenever grows. The proud person alsoblames external factors.Sheis perpetually looking out the window at others instead of in the mirror at herself. Sheis alway using second and third person pronouns (you, him, her, them). She never uses the first person prounoun"I" as in "I did this.....I did that.....I'm sorry. Pride condescends.
When it comes to relationships we are all so very proud. When is the last time you heard someone take responsibility for the breakdown in a relationship instead of merely blaming the other person? Yet every counselor will tell you that it takes two to tango. There are two sides to every story and two sides to every relationship. Many times the problem lies with the person doing the blaming.
Pride blinds us. Arrogance is a way that we insulate ourselves from criticism, blame, personal responsibility, and from changing. If I can shift the focus entirely onto you, no one will see my faults. It’s the wife who wants counseling for her husband. It’s the employer who complains about employees not being dedicated anymore. It’s the parent who wonders whyherchild won’t receive correction andadvice.
Arrogance begets arrogance. Pride begets pride. If you want to destroy a relationship, always take the parent role. Always be right.Always be the one to give advice and have answers.Always be the one pointing the finger of blame at the other andrefuse to listen. Be unchangeable, unmoved, and inconsiderate. It'svery ineffective!
The biggest problem in our relationship with God is our pride. The biggest problem in our relationships with each other is also our pride.
Wisdom from Proverbs.
In Proverbs 1:1-7 (NIV) we find an apt description of relational humility. "The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:for attaining wisdom and discipline;for understanding words of insight;for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,doing what is right and just and fair;for giving prudence to the simple,knowledge and discretion to the young- let the wise listen and add to their learning,and let the discerning get guidance-for understanding proverbs and parables,the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,but foolsdespise wisdom and discipline."
A key word in these verses is the word "listen". In Hebrew it is the word "sha ma" and means"to listen intelligently." The wise listen. The wise learn. The wise adapt. The wise can learn from anyone, especially God. But the fool thinks she knows everything.
We find an example of this immediately in Proverbs 1:8-19 (NIV). Consider the wisdom that the father gives his son."Listen, my son, to your father's instructionand do not forsake your mother's teaching. They will be a garland to grace your headand a chain to adorn your neck. My son, if sinners entice you,do not give in to them. If they say, 'Come along with us;let's lie in wait for someone's blood,let's waylay some harmless soul;let's swallow them live, like the grave, and whole, like those who go down to the pit;we will get all sorts of valuable thingsand fill our houses with plunder;throw in your lot with us,and we will share a common purse'-my son, do not go along with them,do not set foot on their paths;for their feet rush into sin,they are swift to shed blood. How useless to spread a netin full view of all the birds! These men lie in wait for their own blood;they waylay only themselves! Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain;it takes away the lives of those who get it."
Now consider what happens when a person lacks humility as told in Proverbs 1:20-33 (NIV)."Wisdom calls aloud in the street,she raises her voice in the public squares; at the head of the noisy streetsshe cries out,in the gateways of the city she makes her speech: 'How long will you simple oneslove your simple ways?How long will mockers delight in mockeryand fools hate knowledge? If you had responded to my rebuke,I would have poured out my heart to youand made my thoughts known to you. But since you rejected me when I calledand no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my adviceand would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster;I will mock when calamity overtakes you- when calamity overtakes you like a storm,when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind,when distress and trouble overwhelm you. Then they will call to me but I will not answer;they will look for me but will not find me. Since they hated knowledgeand did not choose to fear the LORD, since they would not accept my adviceand spurned my rebuke,they will eat the fruit of their waysand be filled with the fruit of their schemes. For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,and the complacency of fools will destroy them; but whoever listens to me will live in safetyand be at ease, without fear of harm.' "