Integrity
Welcome to the jungle. The jungle of relationships and the difficulty of navigating the relational jungle. We have been studying relationships in the context of "Man versus Wild" where the star of the show, Bear Grylls, seems to have the skills to work himself out of any situation, no matter how difficult or dangerous it is. Like Bear, we have to develop the skills we need to keep our jungle of relationships healthy, happy, and peaceful.
So far we have looked at faithfulness (never giving up on a relationship), consideration (showing regard and being thoughtful), humility (being teachable), asking (to seek understanding), discernment (guarding your heart), courage (finding the strength to keep going when you are afraid), and self control (being in control of yourself and your tongue). We need to develop every one of these characteristics in order to keep our relationships peaceful.
So what if I started communicating with Bear? I write to him and tell him that I am 57 and have climbed a mountain. Then I tell him that I also suffer a physical disability and still managed to climb a mountain. This catches his interest and he gives me an invitation to go on a safari with him. Let's examine how these characteristics might work in the context of me and Bear on a safari. Hmmmm. Me and Bear on a safari! Poor Bear!
Would Tom be faithful when on a safari? Probably not. I would say that it's too hard for me. I just want to go home! When Bear wants me to consider that we are filming this safari for millions of television viewers and I can't just give up, Tom doesn't exhibit consideration. Instead I say something like, "I don’t care about your viewers! I know that you are carrying everything, but would you carry me?"
Can Tom exhibit humility? No problem, because I am very teachable. I can learn everything, but I just can't put it into practice. On the other hand, I'm not sure I could learn to eat bugs! And about asking. Again, no problem for Tom. "How many more miles do we have to travel? How much longer do we have to be out here?"
And discernment wouldn't be a problem either. It would be very clear to me that I would have to guard my heart. I’d be so overwhelmed that I would be convinced that Bear was the devil! Courage?I'd have it till it was time to open the parachute and leave the safety of the plane. Could Tom exhibit self control while on a safari? I'd be happy to remain in control of my basic body functions. I don’t think I’d have any problem with my mouth, because I would not want to offend Bear and have him leave me to die in the jungle!
Let's be serious now. Keep this one question in mind when you think about all the characteristics that we just discussed. Are you fully connected with what you know? For example, couples talk to each other all the time, but do they use the relationship characteristics when speaking with each other?
Do we put the relationship principles into practice?
On Friday I was exhausted after working all week. Adrienne met with Tamara Holland here at church and theyrearranged the classroom that I use as my office in my counseling program. Somehow Adrienne set off the church's burgler alarm as she was leaving. She was very upset and started to make phone calls to anyone connected with the church who might know how to turn off the alarm. Before long Nic, Jon, Brad, and the police responded.
Needless to say, she was stressed! So I decided that it was a good night to go out for dinner and pick up a movie. When I watch a movie I want to be entertained. I don't want to have to think too hard, so I asked Adrienne to pick up a romantic comedy or an action/adventure. I waited for her in the car because my legs just wouldn't hold me up any longer. Aboutfive minutes into the movie we realized that the movie was a drama. A heavy drama.
Now here was a God moment. I wanted entertainment, but maybe God knew that I needed something else. God had handpicked that movie for us to watch. It was about a man with values. He made a promise, and his convictions put him at the odds with both criminals and the police. In the end, his integrity caused his girlfriend to leave him and added a long term responsibility to his life. He did what he said he would do because he believed it was the right thing to do. And this is our eighth character trait for handling difficult relationships. Integrity.
The definition of integrity.
The definition of integrity is the basing of one’s actions on an internally consistent framework of principles. Steadfast adherence to moral and ethical principles. Practicing what you preach. Walking your talk. Integrity is when what you are and what you say are one and the same.
You have integrity when you have integrated your values, ideals, morals, beliefs, and convictions with your behavior. You say what you believe and you act consistently. When you have integrity you feel good and you have self respect. When you lack integrity you feel bad and you lose respect in your own eyes. You trust yourself less and less and your self esteem suffers.
Some of you were raised in church. You made a decision to follow Christ and you have lived in a way that showed integrity throughout your lives. By contrast, I was morally bankrupt when I came to Christ. I did not have a churchgoing family and I knew nothing of the ways of Jesus. I needed to be born again. Like it says in John 3:3 (NIV), "In reply Jesus declared, 'I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.' "
I needed to become a new creature. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" I was a new creation and I could feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Do you remember how it felt when you said the sinner's prayer and when your sin was washed away in baptism? I felt free! The blood of Jesus had cleansed me.
That night after I was saved, I took my girlfriend home and I rolled out some blankets and curled up on the couch. She asked me if I was coming to sleep with her. I said, "I don't think I'm supposed to." At this point I had moment by moment conviction. I hadn't read the Bible yet, but I thought that it would tell me that I wasn't supposed to sleep with my girlfriend outside of marriage.
But I wanted to know several things. What does God think? How does God want me to act? What pleases God? I wanted to know how Christians should behave. I wanted to know how Christians thought and acted. This reminds me of a story that was told about Alexander the Great. At the end of a long day of battle Alexander was looking over his troops. There was one young soldier who was tired, disheveled, and more than a little road weary. Alexander looked at the young man and said, "What's your name soldier?" "Alexander," the young man replied. "Well," said Alexander the Great, "either change your name or change your ways!"
To develop integrity, we must read and study God's word.
In that same manner, those of us who claim to be Christians wear the name of Christ. Followers of Christ were first called Christians at Antioch. We wear the name of Christ and we want to represent him proudly. And to avoid moment by moment conviction, we must learn correct behaviors. How do we do this? By reading God's word. I don't want to know what you think God's word says, I want to read it and learn it for myself. I wanted to learn and learn quickly.
One sermon a week was not fast enough for me and it shouldn't be fast enough for you. One sermon and one Bible study a week wasn't fast enough for me so I found multiple Bible studies at Central Christian Church, Grace Baptist Church, the Pentecostal Church, and even an independent Bible study. And I found a mentor in one old man named Alvie Atteberry. He mentored me through hours and hours of reading and drinking in the word of God.
I had never before applied myself to reading and courses. But to grow, eventually you have to become a self feeder. We want to develop our core values around those that God gave us in his word. His principles became my principles. His values became my values. His truth became my truth. His rules for living became my rules for living. His rules for health became my rules for health. His rules for social laws became my rules for social laws. His rules for relationships became my rules for relationships. I learned all of this through reading and studying God's word. He is the master and I am his disciple. He is the teacher and I am the student. He is Lord and I am his servant.
You must have a set of morals and principles locked inside of you.
Before the issue of integrity can be considered, the question is whether or not you have a set of morals, principles, and convictions about right and wrong. These must be locked inside of you.
What the naturalists and humanists would tell you is that every man is supposed to make his own laws. You are not to submit to ideology. But that would take each person sixty to eighty years to finally have a set of values that are consistent and wise. God offers his values to us now, and they have been proven over thousands of years to work beautifully. His values are in his word.
I have read the Bible cover to cover nine times. I want to know for myself what God says. But before you tackle reading through the whole Bible, and you should read it and you should read it repeatedly, let me suggest that you start by reading these nine chapters over and over.
Leviticus 17, Leviticus 18 and Leviticus 19 in the Old Testament contain a summation of God's law to the Israelites. Why is this important to us? In Acts there is a summary of these three chapters when the Gentiles were instructed how to behave as Christians. If it was important then, it is important now.
Matthew 5, Matthew 6, and Matthew 7 should be memorized because this is Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. These chapters contain the heart and depth of all of Jesus' teachings.
John 3 instructs us in what it means to be born again. Ephesians 2 explains the nature of grace. The heart of this chapter is Ephesians 2:8-9. And 1 Corinthians 13 is the famous love chapter. When you look at everything in this life, love should be what motivates and guides you.
Your core belief system determines your integrity.
In these nine chapters you will find enough of what pleases God to be able to begin to develop your core belief system. And this is what determines your integrity.
Listen to what Paul tells Timothy in 2 Timothy 3:14-17 (NIV). "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God–breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
Paul said to Timothy that first the word of God must be learned and then you must be convinced of it. And once convinced, you must continue in the word, act out of the word, and habituate yourself to it. Do you want to become convinced? Get in the word. Do you want to have integrity? Act on the values of God that you find contained in his word.
David knew that integrity pleased God. God loves it when what we say and what we do are the same thing. After Davidhad collected materials to build the temple he said this prayer in 1 Chronicles 29:17 (NIV). "I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity."
Job was also a man who lived with integrity. Job speaks to his friends in Job 27:5-6 (NIV). "I will never admit you are in the right; till I die, I will not deny my integrity. I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live."
Job says, "I will not deny my integrity" because he does not want his conscience to beat him up. How does your integrity affect your relationships? You have a history with people. You were not born yesterday. You have some knowledge about life that may be incorrect according to God's principles. Or it may be absolutely correct. We act on the knowledge that we have.
An encounter with an angel.
Have you ever met an angel? Adrienne and I are convinced that God sent an angel to me. Here's the situation. I was having a struggle with integrity. At 26 years of age I complained to anyone who would listen to me that God was not being fair with me. He expected too much of me. I had sat under too many good teachers, excellent psotors, and wonderful Bible scholars. And I knew too much. I was having a problem with integrity because I knew too much. And I couldn't figure out how I could live up to all this knowledge. How could I live up to Jesus' expectations of me?
Adrienne and I were on a car trip when we saw a hitchhiker along the side of the road. He looked just like a Norman Rockwell Santa Claus! We looked at each other and said, "It's an angel!" So we picked him up. He rode with us for seventeen milesand the whole time he talked and talked and gave us his view of life. He talked about how man is changing, that good character is not a common virtue any more, and that man is becoming more and more depraved. And when we dropped him off he looked right at me, pointed a finger and said, "You have to learn to live according to the knowledge you have been given!"
Well, we rode the rest of the way to Peoria in shock. It was a moment when God used this man to set me straight. God wanted me to get the message that my behavior and my knowledge was to be consistent. I was told to live with integrity.
Integrity demands that behavior and knowledge are consistent.
Would you use a marriage counselor who had been divorced three times? An accountant who was in trouble with the IRS? A mechanic whose own car breaks down often? A business consultant with two of his own failed businesses? No, you wouldn't! And neither would I. We choose someone whose behavior is consistent with his knowledge.
And yet we hear parents say, "Do as I say, not as I do." How can I trust someone who doesn’t follow his own advice on values? How can I trust someone whose words and actions don’t match?
So many of my examples on integrity come from thirty years of counseling. I see married couples where one mate is going to divorce the other because of a history of specific behavior including things like abusiveness (physical or vernal), adultery, jealousy, controlling, meanness, and drug or alcohol abuse. The one being divorced or left behind makes all sorts of promises to change. But his spouse doesn’t believe what he is saying because she has watched how he has lived. She has observed his behavior. She she doesn't find integrity. There is no integrity.
What about the teenager who has lost privileges because of past rule violations, but wants to go out tonight? He makes all sorts of promises that include a broad spectrum of changed or improved behaviors tomorrow. "I'll clean my room. I'll do my chores. I'll study two hours." But the parent says, "I just don't believe you. Your past behavior doesn't match your actions."
Can I trust you in order to let you into my life? In order to love you, I have to be able to trust you. For me to trust you, you have to be trustworthy, which would mean that you have integrity.
Only Jesus Christ had perfect integrity.
Who is our example for integrity? Only one man had perfect integrity. His name was Jesus Christ. He was the only one who led a sinless life. 2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) tells us, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
And Hebrews 4:15 (NIV) tells us about Jesus. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are– yet was without sin."
It is easy to trust Jesus. It is easy to love Jesus because Jesus walked the walk. His behavior matched his actions. He had integrity. If anyone puts his trust in us, we must have demonstrated that we are trustworthy. When we live in Christ, when we focus on becoming like Jesus, when you and I set a high standard of ethics, principles, and morals and then we follow them, it is easy for others to trust us.
Trust is a necessary glue to bond all the relationships you have. If you ever give me a ride on a highway, don’t be surprised if I say to you, "My friend, you’ve got to learn to live by the knowledge you’ve been given."