Welcome to the jungle. If you are a visitor, please let me explain the jungle décor or landscaping on our stage, as the case may be. (Note to reader- the auditorium stage was decorated in a jungle theme.) We are doing a series of ninetalks on managing difficult relationships. We’ve taken the show "Man vs. Wild", starring survivalist Bear Grylls, to represent just how difficult relationships can be.
Did you see Bear this week in USA Today? Bear is not just an actor. He was the youngest man to ever climb Mount Everest - and he finished it after sustaining a broken back. It was broken in three places. He doesn’t just have a small handful of skills. He has multiple character traits that allow him to survive in the jungle. Like Bear, you need multiple character traits to build healthy relationships out of your jungle.
There is no simple solution to relationship problems.
On the first Sunday of this series Dr. Jon Morrissette, did I say Dr.? That may be a bit premature, but he's working on it. Well Jon emphasized the idea that we would not be talking about a simple three step solution to our relationship problems. It's hard to make changes in our relationships. Instead we are focusing on correcting the belief systems that you have in the very core of your being. That’s how we improve our relationships and how we change the world.
So far we have looked at:
Faithfulness - to never give up on your relationships.
Consideration - showing regard, being thoughtful to others.
Humility - being teachable and humble.
Asking - to seek understanding.
Discernment - guarding your heart.
Courage - finding the strength to keep going when you are afraid. Great love motivates great courage.
Today our focus turns to a sixth character trait; self control.
Let me read you the lyrics of a James Taylor song called "Mean Old Man".
"On my own. How could I have known? Imagine my surprise. I'm just a fool, from a tree full of fools, who can't believe his eyes. I was a mean old man. I was an ornery cuss. I was a dismal Dan. I made an awful fuss ever since my life began. And it was effortless. I was a nasty tyke who was hard to like. I had to misbehave. I did things in reverse. Refused to wash and shave. I was horrid to my nurse. I got back what I gave, which only made me worse. I had to have my way which was bleak and gray. Oh, dear. Living in here, one hundred years of rage. It’s such a drag, this riches to rags, with just myself to blame. The dirty low down shame."
What I hear in this song is a man who one day woke up all alone. He had alienated everyone around him. Why was he alone? This is a picture of a man who was probably self centered, crabby, irritable, hot tempered, unkind, mean-spirited, and hyper-critical. In a nutshell, he lacked self control. Because he lacked self control, he damaged and hurt those aroundhim until they left him all alone.
Self control is defined as, "the ability to control your own behavior, especially in terms of reactions and impulses." Self control is simply being in control of yourself. It does not include negative statements like these. "I lost my temper. I couldn’t help myself. He made me do it. She pushed my buttons." Self control never looks for excuses. "I’m hard headed because I’m German." Self control never blames anyone else. "She had a tone when she asked me."
Self control doesn't include negative statements, blaming others, or excuses. Self control knows that "I" am responsible and no one else. I am in control of me when I have self control. I am responsible for me and my behavior.
The Bible is full of references to self control.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NIV) says, "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self–control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God–having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them."
Notice how, "without self-control" is stuck in the middle of a list of really nasty behaviors. It is right up there with all those negative words.
Proverbs 25:28 (NIV) tells us, "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." What this verse is saying is that in a person without self control, anything that triggers a poor reaction makes that person break down, scream, yell, and say negative things. In turn, his behaviors jeopardize his relationships.
Direct references to self control in the Bible.
Titus 2:11-14 (NIV) says, "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self–controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope–the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
1 Peter 1:13-16 (NIV) says, "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self–controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.' "
2 Peter 1:3-8 (NIV) tells us, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self–control; and to self–control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
The Bible also has subtle references to self control.
I Corinthians 9:24-27 (NIV) says, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training (self control). They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave (self control) so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
So there is no doubt that in the Biblewe are told to cultivate self control and to use self control in all our relationships. We have a God who is a holy God and who expects you to exert self control in your life. Jesus Christ never lost self control. When Satan tempted Jesus with bread and power, Jesus used self control and a knowledge of the scriptures to rebuke Satan. When Jesus was on the cross, he asked forgiveness for his executors. We need to become like Jesus and never lose control of ourselves.
Why should we add self control to our list of character traits for building relationships? Because self control will keep us from becoming ineffective and unproductive in our relationships and our lives.
We need to have self control over our tongue.
Clearly, one area in which we need to have self control is over our tongue. Your tongue control begins in your brain, I hope. The Bible has a lot to say about the need for us to have self control over our tongues.
Proverbs 13:3 (NIV) says, "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin."
James 3:6-8 (NIV) makes the same point a little more forcefully. "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."
James 4:11 (NIV) continues, "Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it."
In Ephesians 4:25-26 (NIV) and Ephesians 4:29-31 (NIV) Paul states the case for self control of the tongue. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin." "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."
The capstone verse is in James 1:26 (NIV). This verse sums up all the Bible's teachings about self control of the tongue. "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." In other words, you either exercise self control or you aren't acting like a Christian.
Christians are called hypocrites when they are seen raising their hands in worship, praying, and singing, but then in the parking lot they are observed yelling heatedly at their spouses or children. It's hypocritical to see someone worshiping one way then actually behaving in another way. Out of one heart two extreme behaviors can come.
Every person we come in contact with is someone we are to love. Are you disappointed in how you are living? Take heart! Jesus is working inside of you.
Self control is given to us through the Holy Spirit.
The good news is that self control is given to us through the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV) gives us a list of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self–control. Against such things there is no law." Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. When you come to Christ, he puts the Holy Spirit in you and the Holy Spirit gives us his fruits. I can call on the Holy Spirit to help me with all of life's little annoyances.
The key to personally experiencing the fruit of the Holy Spirit is found in Galatians 5:24-25 (NIV). "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." And Colossians 2:20 tells us that we need to die to self in order to get self control. We need to live in Christ.
Let us go back to our James Taylor lyrics. After an instrumental interlude, in the second verse he comes back and says, "Silly me. Silly old me. Somewhere outside my mind. Clever you, walking me through. Willing to lead the blind. Just in the nick of time. Who gets a second chance? Who gets to have some fun? Who gets to learn to dance before his race is won? Who gets to shed his skin? Who comes up born again? Who was a mean old man till you turned him into a golden retriever puppy dog?"
What a contrast between those two verses! James Taylor may have been speaking metaphorically when he spoke of being born again, but the truth is that unless you surrender your life to Jesus, become a new creature in Christ Jesus, and bury your old nature in baptism, there is just too much you have to exercise self control over unless you take those steps. When Jesus Christ caught me, the old man disappeared and the new man appeared. I turned from a mean old man into a happy puppy dog.
The old Tom Frydenger was a long haired, drug using, gun toting, mean son of a gun! You can't see that in me now, can you? You can't see that now because the old man Tom is dead. Jesus Christ changed me by taking those steps. If you haven’t taken those steps, today is your day. Meet me in the front row after the service.
Here’s a little ditty of a song. Imagine big band sound with Andrew sisters' harmony. "No bribing, no striving, no conniving can do. It will never make no change in you. You can hold your breath, stand on your head, but the change won’t come till it’s Spirit lead. Abiding. That’s when the changes come. Abide in Jesus. He's the best at getting it done."
We are tempted in every way and sometimes we lose self control.
As Christians, even if we are abiding in Jesus, even if we are born again, we are tempted in every way. We feel physical pain. We get emotionally hurt. We get negatively surprised. We get shocked. And our reaction often comes out of our mouths. And sometimes what comes out reflects a lack of self control. Wouldn't it be nice if only good stuff came out of our mouths? Things like ouch, phooey, aarrggghhh, fiddlesticks, ah shucks! Let it be those types of words or phrases and nothing more.
As part of self control of our tongues, we need to stop cursing. When we curse we spread pain, ill will, distress, misery, irritation, discontentment, injury, and woundedness. Cursing and speaking recklessly spreads your pain to others and keeps it growing. Passing your pain onto others does not make you feel better. And it does not reflect Christ's nature. When you lack self control and you get hurt, your words will keep the pain growing as you dump it on the next person and they dump it to the next person and so on.
Saints, part of having self control is absorbing the pain in our environment and releasing back into it the presence of the Holy Spirit. When harshness comes to you, send back love instead.
A man reaps what he sows with his words.
Do all of you know the law of reciprocity? It is clearly stated in Galatians 6:7 (NIV). "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." Look at this verse closely. These are very strong words. A man reaps what he sows.
If a man sows peace, calm, mercy, forgiveness, patience, understanding, love, kindness, and tenderness, then those things will come back to him. I don't know about you, but I will sow with my mouth the fruit that I want to come back to me. What do you want the words you say to accomplish? What do you want to accomplish with the words you speak?
Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Words are powerful. In Genesis 1 God said, "Let there be…" And guess what? It happened! God spoke the world into existence through his words.
The four gospels are full of phrases that Jesus said. He said to the leper, "Be clean." Jesus said to the sick, "Be healed." When Jesus said, "Come out", the demons fled. When he said, "Lazarus come out", Lazarus was raised from death to life. When Jesus said, "Quiet, be still", the storm stopped and the waters calmed.
What do you want the words you say to accomplish?
The Bible tells us to encourage one another. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV) says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
Encouragement phrases.
In a teacher's publication that I read there are a list of phrases that teachers and parents can verbally speak to encourage children. These are encouragement phrases. We can use these kinds of phrases in our jungle of relationships.
How did you do that? That's really nice. Keep up the good work. That's quite an improvement. Thank you very much. That's clever. That's an interesting point. Congratulations! Now you've got the hang of it. Terrific effort! Super! Beautiful! You've got it now. Nice going. I appreciate what you've done. I think the others would like to see. No one says it quite like you. That's coming along nicely. That's going to be great. I like the way you ____. I'm glad that you're my daughter/son. I can tell you really care. You're a good leader. It looks like you put a lot of work into this. It makes me happy when people work together. That's an interesting way of looking at it. You're incredible. I like the way you're working. How does that make you feel? You really paid attention! What neat work! You really outdid yourself. Very creative. Good thinking. You're right on track. That's a very good observation. That's a good point. Excellent! Oh, I see your point. You make it look easy. You are so helpful. I'm glad you're here. That's encouraging. Thanks for sharing. It must make you feel good that ____. I like the way you worked that out. It's fun to play on your team. What I love about you is ____. You're a good friend because you____. (Adapted from the work of Edward S. Kubany)
How do you think that it would transform your relationships if you used some of those phrases when speaking to others? Can you control your tongue to say those things?
The bottom line is that it's not about becoming a Christian so that I can stop sinning. The decision that I need to make as a Christian is whether or not I will become God’s agent for healing, peacemaking, encouraging, inspiring, motivating, and revealing Jesus to my world. If I am going to be God's agent, I will have to do it through self control of my actions and my tongue. The decision is yours. Yes or no?