The Way of a Father

Listen to me, my son.

I've been reading Proverbs over and over these past few weeks. There are 31 chapters, 915 verses, and 15,185 words. That's a lot of content to master! You could read Proverbs every single day and never exhaust their application to your life. Every time I read Proverbs I find myself saying, "I don't remember seeing that verse before."

But of the 15,000 plus words of instruction, I've been most struck by two simple words-- my son. These words occur dozens of times throughout Proverbs. Proverbs 1:8 (NIV) says, "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching." Proverbs 1:10 (NIV) says, "My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them." Proverbs 3:1-2 (NIV) says, "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity."

These are two of the most important words any man can hear. They are also two of the most important words any man can say. They are words of investment, encouragement, instruction, and rebuke. They are the words of one man lending strength to another man-- words of a father lending strength to a son.

One man can lend strength to another man.

Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Think about it this way. As men, we can lend one another strength, we can draw out each others' greatest good, and we can sharpen one another. Or, we can dull one another. This isn't only true of men, it's true of women too. But it's especially true for men-- that your relationships matter. You have become, and are becoming, like those you most relate to. Every relationship either sharpens you or it dulls you. No relationship is neutral. Relationships shape us.

This is why in Proverbs 1:10 (NIV) the father says, "My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them." It's why in Proverbs 1:15-16 (NIV) he says, "...my son, do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths; for their feet rush into sin, they are swift to shed blood." It's why Proverbs 22:24-25 (NIV) says, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared." It's why in Proverbs 24:1-2 (NIV) he says, "Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble."

The same truth is echoed in the New Testament. This is why in 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV) Paul warns us, "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.' " It's why in Galatians 5:9 (NIV) Paul warns how, "A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." One of the greatest mistakes we make as men is to think that we are somehow immune from the influence of relationships. We are not!

The greatest gift we can give, one man to another man, is to lend strength to one another. This was Jesus' method. He didn't recruit a single superstar disciple. No, he recruited twelve. When he sent them out, he never sent them alone. He sent them in pairs, two by two. Men are at their best when in the company of good men. But men are weakest when left alone, or when they are surrounded by bad company.

What kind of men are you surrounding yourself with?

One of the most important questions we can ask ourselves spiritually is, "What kind of men am I surrounding myself with?" Ideally, we all have perfect fathers who painstakingly mentor us in every aspect of life. This is what we see in Proverbs-- a father tirelessly mentoring his son to pursue paths of righteousness. But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a broken world, with broken men.

We live in a world of fearful men. Fearful men are afraid to lead or to do anything politically incorrect. These are men who are afraid to express anger, to take a stand, or to say 'no' when 'no' needs to be said. Men who are afraid to shun evil, to tell the truth, to speak against injustice, or to stand firm in the face of danger. If you've been surrounded by cowardly, fearful men your whole life, you may lack the courage, or initiative, or moral clarity to do what's right or good.

I was struck by the truth of Proverbs 10:24 (NIV) which says, "What the wicked dreads (fears) will overtake him..." We succumb to that which we fear. We succumb to the fear of danger, pain, suffering, death, displeasing our wives, our children, and our friends. But the only thing we should fear is God. We can fear men, or as Proverbs 3:5 (NIV) says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..."

Shouldn't we want to surround ourselves with courageous men who embolden our faith? We live in a world of fearful men who need to see men of faith.

We live in a world of failing men.

We also live in a world of failing men-- men who are failing inwardly and outwardly. So how do we know when a man is failing inwardly? In Proverbs 2:14 (NIV) the father describes those, "...who delight in doing wrong, and rejoice in the perverseness of evil." There are a lot of men who delight in sin, who want to sin, who look for opportunities to sin, who go out of their way to sin, who boast about their exploits, and mock what's good!

You can sense when a man's heart is bad and his conscience is seared. "Here, have a drink, take a puff, check out this magazine, watch this video, let's go to that club, let me show you how to cheat the system, here's how you can get even, here's how you can get ahead. You need to do what makes you happy."

There are so many perverse and corrupt men whose mouths are vile, whose eyes are always roaming, whose feet are always shifting, and whose faith is always wavering. These are men who are held captive by their desires. But then there are men of sound heart and mind, who guard their hearts, and whose outer life reflects God's character!

Proverbs 4:23-27 (NIV) says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

Such men are a breath of fresh air. But do you really want to become a Proverbs 4:23-27 man? We need more men of sound heart and mind, who do not waver, who delight in righteousness, who hate sin, who shun evil, who are outraged by evil, who live holy lives, and who can lend strength to those who are weak.

We live in a world of unfaithful men.

I know some of you have experienced the pain of divorce. I can only imagine how difficult it is for some of you to sit in church, replaying your divorce in your mind, wondering how, or why, things went so wrong. I don't want to add to your guilt. Shame is Satan's strategy to destroy your soul.

Yet Proverbs is full of wisdom about marriage. As men, we are particularly susceptible to sexual sin. One man said, "Samson was the strongest, Solomon was the wisest, and David was the greatest-- and yet all three fell to sexual sin. Who are we to think we're stronger than the strongest, wiser than the wisest, and greater than the greatest?" In Proverbs the father repeatedly warns the son how vulnerable he is.

In Proverbs 2:16-17 (NIV) he warns the son about the way of the adulteress, with her seductive words, "...who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God." In Proverbs 5:15 (NIV) he admonishes the son, "Drink water from your own cistern." And in Proverbs 5:18-21 (NIV) he tells his son to find satisfaction in his wife. "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines his paths."

As men, we need to teach our sons and daughters chastity, purity, and holiness. We need to teach them what it means to enter into a holy covenant before a holy God. We need to teach husbands to drink from their own cisterns. We need to confront those men who would set their affections on another man's wife, who go around flirting even though they are married, whose opportunistic eyes are always roaming.

Proverbs 6:27-29 (NIV) says, "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes getting burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished."

Sexual sin isn't like playing with fire. It is playing with fire-- eternal fire, not to mention the fire of a man's jealous rage. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NIV) says, "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

Faith begets faith. A pure heart begets a pure heart. Marital faithfulness begets faithfulness. Iron sharpens iron.

Our world is full of passive fathers.

If you are a father, I'd encourage you to sneak off for a few hours this week and read Proverbs. If I were to summarize your responsibility to your children I would say you need to be your child's most compelling educator-- more compelling than any actor, musician, showman, friend, neighbor, coach, teacher, or youth pastor they know.

I'm going to talk about this more next week. But you cannot be ambivalent about your kids' lives. You need to show positive and negative emotions. Joy, delight, love, and a sense of pride. But also anger, frustration, and disappointment. Don't smile at sin. Don't withhold praise when it is deserved. Your emotions powerfully reinforce what is good and bad in your child's life. See Proverbs 3:12 and Proverbs 10:1.

Tend to your kids' relationships-- all of them. Know their teachers, their friends, who influences them, and where they are. Have them earn your trust over time. See Proverbs 1:10.

Reason with their minds. Teach them to think, and don't just give them rules. Show them cause and effect. Show them where this choice or that choice leads. Expose them to the pain, hardship, and destruction that wickedness brings. Show them that God makes the path of the righteous smooth. The father does this repeatedly throughout Proverbs. Here is the way of wisdom, here is the way of stupidity-- yes, stupidity. Here is the way of the righteous, here is the way of the adulterer. Here is the way of the ant, here is the way of the sluggard and glutton. Here is the way of the mocker, here is the way of the humble and contrite.

Kids aren't stupid, so show them what you see! Show them how people all around us reap what they sow. And then teach them to sow seeds of righteousness.

Don't withhold physical discipline. Proverbs 13:24 (NIV) says, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Proverbs 22:15 (NIV) says, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." Proverbs 19:18 (NIV) uses even stronger language. "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death."

Fathers must educate their children by example.

Let me summarize. Your character educates. Your example educates. Your emotions educate. Your relational intervention educates. Your words educate. Your actions, and especially physical discipline, educates. One thing I never saw in Proverbs was a verse telling men to just pray about their kids' behaviors. There is a time to pray. There is a time to seek wisdom and sound counsel from God's word. But there is also a time to act, to speak, to teach, to admonish, to rebuke, to discipline, to love, to restore, and to be proactive.

Fearful men. Failing Men. Unfaithful men. Passive parenting. Do we agree that God is calling us to something better? He is calling all of us, as his sons and daughters, to lend strength to one another, and to let our iron sharpen iron.

...To be men of courageous faith.

... To be men with a heart after God.

... To be men faithful to God and to our wives.

...To be men who practice love and engage their families.