The Way of a Kid

Parents' greatest joy is seeing their children do well.

When it comes to parenting, how many of you feel like Mike and Frankie Heck? You're the giving tree. You've given up all your leaves, fruit, and branches for your kids, and now there isn't anything left of you but a stump! You're ready to take back your couch, your home, and your life!

As one reads the Proverbs a couple of things are readily evident. First, there isn't any greater joy parents have than seeing their children doing well. Proverbs 15:20 (NIV) says, "A wise son brings joy to his father..." Proverbs 23:24 (NIV) says, "The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son rejoices in him."

There is a particular way a parent's eyes sparkle, and voice quickens, when they're proud of their kids. We saw it a few weeks ago at the graduation banquet, as parents spoke a word of blessing over their graduating students. We have amazing parents in this church who've raised extraordinary kids. We've sent a number of kids to Lincoln Christian University. The faculty goes out of their way to comment about the high caliber of students we've sent to their campus. And I'm sure that's echoed everywhere we send our students.

There is deep grief when parents see their children failing in life.

But there is something else that is readily evident in Proverbs. There isn't any deeper grief parents have than seeing their children failing in life. Proverbs 17:21 (NIV) says, "To have a fool for a son brings grief; there is no joy for the father of a fool." Proverbs 17:25 (NIV) goes further, "A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him." Proverbs 19:13 (NIV) says, "A foolish son is his father's ruin." Proverbs 19:26 (NIV) says, "He who robs his father and drives out his mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace."

Would you agree? These are powerful emotions: joy, grief, bitterness, shame, disgrace, ruin. I don't know many parents who've been exempt from riding this roller coaster of emotion. There were times I disgraced and shamed my parents when I was growing up. I hope I've brought them more joy than grief, but I'm not sure! There were circumstances in our family where my parents spent night after night grieving at the dinner table, wringing their hands, and crying out to God in prayer.

If you've been exempt from grief as a parent, praise God! But I'll bet most of you have not. And for others, your children are still so young. And you've yet to have grandchildren and great-grandchildren!

Do you know that at an early age I resolved never to do anything that would bring pain to my parents? That doesn't mean I didn't sin, or never fail. But I wanted them to feel proud and honored by every aspect of my life. I wanted to maximize their joy. Shouldn't that be our goal? To maximize our parents' joy? The Bible commands us to honor our father and mother. If you're a parent, shouldn't it be your goal to maximize your own joy by doing everything in your power to set your child up for success?

A child's life needs constant energy.

This morning I want to talk about six aspects of a child's life that need constant energy. Proverbs 22:15 (NIV) warns, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child..." This means that if left alone, children are apt to destroy their own lives, and bring you tremendous grief. Parents, there is no more important and worthy outlet for your energies than leading your family. Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." That's the goal, but it takes tremendous energy and investment.

The more I read Proverbs the more I think we ought to rename this book of the Bible. The opening chapters are about a father's obligation to instill wisdom and discipline in a child. The closing chapter of Proverbs 31, is about mother's obligation to her family and children. Everything in between is what parents should be saying and doing to set their children up for success! The Proverbs don't just talk about parenting-- the Proverbs are parenting applied. They reveal what parents should be saying, and doing, and teaching to their children in every aspect and season of their lives.

There are six aspects of your child's life that need constant energy, and you cannot neglect a single area.

Shepherd their hands and behavior.

Before you roll your eyes at how obvious this first point is, ask yourself, "How fully aware am I about my child's behavior?" Proverbs 20:11 (NIV) says, "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." An alarming number of parents don't think their child's behavior is any of their business. But some behavior is safe; some is deadly. Some is productive; some useless. Some is redemptive; some is corruptive and even criminal, and addictive, and leads to calamity. What is your child's reputation at school? Among her friends? Among her teachers? In the youth group? On Facebook or on Twitter? Even a child is known by her behavior.

If a child is inclined to folly, why would you ignore what they do before school, during school, after school, overnight at their friends, on/off the court, in their room, etc? You cannot coach or correct what you don't observe or refuse to see. If you feel like saying, "Duh", go ahead.

Shepherd their mind and knowledge.

Parents, "How confident are you that your kids even know what to do if confronted with a particular situation? Are you content to let your kids wing it? To just cope the best they know how?" Proverbs 16:25 (NIV) warns, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Why, as a parent, would you ever want to throw caution to the wind and let your kid do whatever seems right to him or her? Your job as a parent is to instruct your child so he will know the way of wisdom.

Proverbs 1:2-4 (NIV) says the Proverbs are "...for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young..." It's kind of hard to complain about your child's behavior when you haven't taught him a better way, or set a good example for him to follow. Do your kids know what is right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, ethical and unethical? Have you set clear guidelines, rules, and boundaries for them?

A lot of parents make the mistake of only discussing the what instead of also discussing the why. It's not enough for kids to know your rules. They need to know the wisdom behind the rules. "Here is why we wait till marriage. This is why we respect authority, work hard. This is why we don't resort to violence, don't let the sun go down on our anger, withhold from the poor, gossip, overeat, or view pornography."

If you need help in this area, read and master one chapter of Proverbs each week. Before the end of the year you will be equipped to shepherd your child's behavior and mind. If you don't have that much time, read and master one proverb a day for next 31 days. In one month you'll be ready!

Shepherd their social relationships.

Parents, "Who influences your kids? Who do they run with? Who do they imitate? Who do they envy?" Think how relationships have set the whole trajectory of your life. Think how they've set you up for success or failure. Now ask, "What kind of relationships do you desire for your kids?" And, "What are you doing to help them cultivate those kinds of healthy relationships?"

Proverbs 24:1-2 (NIV) says, "Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble." Proverbs 22:24-25 (NIV) says, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared." In Proverbs 1:15 (NIV) the father commands his son, "...do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths."

There are some relationships in your kid's life that demand immediate intervention. There are some you need to watch and discern. There are others you need to encourage and cultivate. But never neglect your child's relationships. They set the whole trajectory of his or her life.

Shepherd their attitude.

Parents, "What is your child's attitude? What's behind her attitude?" Proverbs 30:11 (NIV) says, "There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers..." Something I have learned through the years is to never ignore an attitude. Sometimes a child will do exactly what you ask, and her behavior is right, but her attitude is all wrong. Never ignore attitude. The attitude is just as important, and often more important, than the behavior itself.

Attitudes are complex. Sometimes a kid's attitude is a reflection of his parents' attitude. How scary is that? Sometimes you have to observe an attitude for a while to discern its root cause. Are they ignorant? Are they misinformed? Do they have false expectations? Have they suffered an injustice? Are they masking pain? Are they afraid of something? Are they disappointed? Do they feel rejected? Did they overhear or see something they shouldn't have? Have you somehow discredited yourself to them? Are they blaming you or themselves? Is it shame or guilt? Are they just being selfish? Are they mad that they didn't get way?

My advice is for you to spend as much or more time talking about attitude as you do about behavior. Ask questions, probe, and reflect. You should probably spend equal time reflecting on your attitude too! Your kids experience extreme emotions and haven't developed the same mechanisms you have in order to cope. Discipline attitude, not behavior. If the attitude is right, the behavior will follow in time. If the behavior is right, be careful that the attitude is there too.

Shepherd their heart.

The word heart appears over seventy times in Proverbs. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." The heart is what we desire and set our affections upon. In Proverbs the heart can turn toward deceit, evil, wickedness, perversity, lust, adultery, anxiety, bitterness, hate, violence, sloth, greed, envy, folly, or malice. But the heart can also turn toward wisdom, understanding, love, purity, correction, and discipline.

Parents, upon what has your child set his or her affections? Is it healthy? Is it wholesome? Is it redemptive? Is it life-giving? Does it lead to eternal life?

You've heard Jesus' teaching that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. See Luke 6:45. Proverbs 16:23 (NIV) says, "A wise man's heart guides his mouth..." If you listen long enough, every man's mouth eventually betrays his heart. The heart directs the whole course of a person's life-- what that person says, thinks, feels, and does. The heart directs who they associate with, whether they hide, or whether they show transparency.

When the heart is bad, a person hides, they avoid, they disengage, and they slump their shoulders. They can become emotionally volatile, unpredictable, and erratic. But when a person loves the light, they come into the light. They welcome accountability, transparency, correction, and teaching.

But here is the problem. What if you child's heart is bad? What if your heart is bad? Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV) says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" This brings me to my final point.

Shepherd their soul to salvation.

As a parent you can point out the failures in their behavior. You can impart wisdom until your face is blue. You can intervene in their relationships, confront their bad attitude, and expose their heart's desire. But there is only one thing that is going to make a lasting change in their life. That's Christ. Your child needs to understand why they sin, and how Christ alone can change their heart. Apart from Christ, you are fighting a losing battle.

John 15:1-6 (NIV) says, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts out every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned."

As a final note this morning, ask yourself, "How am I helping my child abide in Christ?" And just as importantly, "How am I abiding in Christ?" Apart Jesus, you can do nothing. The path is obvious. You can be like that giving tree that gave and gave until it got reduced to a stump. Or you could come to the one who gave his life on a tree to forgive us, and rescue us, and set us free.